5.3 what? M. What's M stand for? Million. Millions of people have watched Brian Blackmon's TikTok videos featuring his nearly 90-year-old landlord, Elaine. 5.3 and 8.6 million people. Watching it. Unbelievable. But Elaine has done far more for Brian than help him become a social media sensation. Before the videos went viral, she offered Brian, a homeless stranger at the time, a place to live, and helped him find sobriety after decades of battling addiction I was watching MTV with my dad in the living room, and Quiet Riot Bang Your Head video came on MTV, and I come from a family of musicians and, and painters and just artistic people. And I remember hearing those sounds and watching that video and was like, "Oh my gosh, what is that?" Like, that's what I wanna do. I wanna play guitar. I want a guitar right now. I wanna be a rock star, end of story. That was just it for me. And I knew that from a really young age, from that very moment. So when I told my dad that's what I wanted to do, his response to me was, um,"It's one in a million. You'll never make it. You're not that one in a million that will ever make it." I wanted to take sex, drugs, and rock and roll to another level to prove my dad wrong that I could do it. So you're living this life, sex, drugs, rock and roll, but things started to go wrong, as they do for everybody who, who can't stop using and who becomes dependent, eventually. Um, what happened? My first rehab was 17, 18. Right-- I dropped out of my senior year and, um, was kicked out of my parents' house. Welcome back to Grieving Out Loud. Today's guest knows what it means to rebuild a life from nothing. Brian Blackmon spent years battling addiction and even homelessness before a stranger, his landlord, took a chance on him and changed the course of his life. That single act of trust became the foundation for everything he's built since then. Brian is the founder of Crab Crew Life, a high-accountability platform built to move people out of survival mode and into real, sustained change. He's created a structured, no-excuses approach to daily transformation, and he now leads a global community committed to accountability, resilience, and honest leadership. I am so grateful to have him here to talk about that unexpected act of kindness and how it set him on a path to help others do the same. Please welcome Brian Blackmon. Thank you for being here. Thank you, Angela, for having me. I'm really grateful to be here. Thank you so much Oh, of course. we start off talking a little bit about your background? You know, where you were born and raised, um, know, how you were raised Sure. Uh, Fort Worth, Texas. Born and raised in Fort Worth, Texas. Um, from a just an amazing, loving, um, caring, supportive family. Um, definitely brought up in a Southern Baptist Christian home. Uh, church every Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, Wednesday night choir, and, uh, church camp during the summer where my grandfather at the time, uh, you know, was one of the counselors. And just a lot of love and support. Um, just a, a great family. I, I had a, a wonderful life, um, or childhood I should say, it's interesting you say that because so often, and we're gonna talk about your battle with substance use disorder, but so often people have this idea of, well, there must be something wrong with the family for someone to end up suffering from substance use disorder. There must be something that did wrong, somebody did wrong, and, and people don't really understand the disease of the brain that it is Yeah, that's a huge misconception that, you know, you-- If I showed you pictures of what I looked like just even three years ago, you know, you wouldn't even recognize me. But in my 20s, actually from the time I was, like, 18 roughly, when things just really started taking over my life as far as the drugs and, and the drinking up until… I mean, my hair was down to my back. I was super skinny. I had no light left in my eyes. And I think that, you know, when you see somebody that has that kind of appearance, you automatically think, like, they must have grown up in that circumstances. Their parents or their family must be exactly like that. And if you stuck me beside my, my family, which I have plenty of photos of, you would be like, "There's no way that this guy came from that family." But yeah, that's a huge misconception Right. So you mentioned your use started pretty young, and that is a factor for people. The age of first use can set people up, especially those who are susceptible for substance use disorder True. And, and I didn't grow up in a family of drugs and alcohol. I mean, that just wasn't something I saw. It, it… They weren't like that. It wasn't So far removed from that. What happened with me, I, I'm not sure. Uh, uh, the only thing I can equate it to is from a young age, the world and internally was loud. Um, it, it, it wasn't necessarily anxiety, I don't, I don't think. It was just my emotions through everything. I- if I was excited about something, it was, "Yeah!" You know? And if I was, um … And I never really felt down, but just every emotion was through the roof at, at all times, and I didn't know how to cope with it. And when I first started drinking, uh, the age of 13, I had, uh, taken a beer from my aunt and uncle's party, who I was living with after my parents got a divorce. And I remember taking that first drink and, and, and realizing that something quieted inside. I, I didn't know that's what was happening, but looking back on it now, it's like I realize something, some- a seed was planted A couple things you said there really, um, struck me. First of all, big emotions. And I would say my daughter, who we know suffered from substance use disorder before her death, had those big emotions always from the time she was an infant. You know, she cried louder than my other kids. Everything was more intense. She very-- she felt things very intensely, and I hear you describing that. And then you mentioned, while your family sounds wonderful, it was not perfect. There was a divorce, and I do believe that children of-- now I'm not blaming parents because we know, always say there are so many, um, families where there is divorce, and so many kids come from divorced families that do not develop substance use disorder. But I have learned over the years, a-and I was divorced from Emily's dad, and I have learned over the years that children of divorce really experience grief, right? Because their nuclear family doesn't stay together, and they grieve that, and so they do experience grief. And grief can be at the root of so many addictions. So that's not to blame the parents, I wanna make that Right. Sure But can certainly be a factor Definitely, definitely. I was already acting I was already acting out way before my parents, uh, divorced. I was always the wild child. I was always the black sheep. I was the firstborn, and I kind of just went wild from a young age However, when my parents got a divorce, it sent me over the edge. But I didn't know that at the time that that's what was happening. You know, it wasn't something like I was-- I thought, "Oh, my parents got divorced, so it's time for me to just go wild." It just set something off, and I think for me, it, it was a lot of anger. My parents got a divorce unexpectedly, and then my, my parents' best friends, this other husband and wife, um, and their daughter who was my age, her parents got a divorce. And then, I don't know, a year later or something like that, I, I remember my dad announcing that he was marrying my mom's best friend. Um Oh. Well, that is very confusing for a kid, and it, it sounds very scandalous, right? Ja I actually have some people I know in my community, the same thing happened. W- one spouse left for a friend, and then they ended up s- actually swapping spouses, and the other spouse got together with the other spouse, I think that's very, can be very confusing for kids It, it was. And, like, I didn't see my parents… I didn't grow up in a family that I saw a lot of fighting and arguing. It- if there was, I didn't see it. I didn't hear about it. My, my dad would be at work already when my mom would get me and my brother up for school in the morning, and then at night, you know, she would cook dinner every night and breakfast every morning and sent lunches with us to school. But my dad worked a lot of overtime, so by the time that my mom got my brother and I to bed, my dad still wasn't home from work. So we would go to bed, didn't see him. Wake up to go to school, didn't see him. So he wasn't there a lot. But when he was there, um, my dad and I didn't have this bond. He liked, um… He was a sports guy in high school and, and when he was, you know, younger, and I have none of those abilities. My brother got all that. So I felt like possibly my dad spent a little bit more, um, concern and, and wanting to be around my brother's sporting events. While my mom was taking my brother to, uh, to football practice, she was dropping me off at the local junior college for art classes, you know. And so, Mhm. uh, I, I think I had this, this animosity and, and anger towards him and, and so when they got a divorce and that happened the way it happened, I think that that definitely spiraled me out Right. So you're using already, um, you know, that first beer at 13. By 18, what was happening in your substance use? I was a full-blown heroin addict at 18. Heroin at Mm-hmm Mm-hmm And how old are you now? 48 Okay, so that was quite a few years ago, Yeah. don't think heroin was as prevalent as it has been in the last 10 to 15 years since we saw the opioid crisis explode. Ja and I, I, I mean, I bet that was something that was really shocking to your family, they even know? They didn't know what it was at first. So by the, the ninth grade year, um, high school parties, you know, meeting new people, uh, I started drinking and smoking pot, which quickly-- I was always hanging out with older people. Um, and again, I don't have this Still to this day, I don't have this, um, could that kill me? I can laugh about it now because it's so crazy to think that I did not even have that fear. You know, I, I, I just didn't. And so I started doing coke and, and acid and skipping school and, you know, partying in, in the ninth grade. Um, and it was going into my 10th grade year. It's, it's all kind of a blur. It was going into my 10th grade year or in the middle of my 10th grade year, roughly, I was introduced to heroin at a party. And my friend took me into the bathroom, and on the back of the, the toilet lid was a line of cocaine and a line of this brown powder. And he said, "You gotta try both of them together." And there was no fear. It wasn't… I just, I do remember asking, "What is this?" And they said it was heroin. I was like, "All right. Let's do it. You said it's fun. Let's go." And it almost killed me. I ended up leaving the stopgap that, you don't have that, you didn't have that in you where you would be like, "Oh, wait a minute." Self-protection. What do you wanna call that? I, I don't think my daughter had that either. Just a stop button is the way I always refer to it Yeah.'Cause I always say she, uh, she showed that in lots of different areas of her life, including gymnastics, where she'd get up on a balance beam and do things that, you know, most people would never even attempt to do, right? Right so there wasn't that fear, uh, and that translates over into other areas of someone's life, I think, too, Definitely. more susceptible. Definitely these highly addictive substances, you know, Yeah, and right? so a couple of things. So when I was seven, six, seven, MTV, you know, had just come out and, and one of my earliest memories that I attached this moment that I'm about to describe later on in my sobriety, I went all the way back and realized that this was the defining moment that planted the seed for everything moving forward. I was watching MTV with my dad in the living room, and Quiet Riot Bang Your Head video came on MTV, and I come from a family of musicians and, and painters and just artistic people. And I remember hearing those sounds and watching that video and was like, "Oh my gosh, what is that?" Like, that's what I wanna do. I wanna play guitar. I want a guitar right now. I wanna be a rock star, end of story. That was just it for me. And I knew that from a really young age, from that very moment. So when I told my dad that's what I wanted to do, his response to me was, um,"It's one in a million. You'll never make it. You're not that one in a million that will ever make it." And that, without me knowing at the time, planted that seed. And so as I got a little bit older, I, you know, continued to watching, um, MTV and seeing like bands like Mötley Crüe and Poison and Guns N' Roses and, and all these bands that were running the Sunset Strip in LA, partying with these beautiful women and just living this excessive lifestyle That's all I cared about. I wanted to take sex, drugs, and rock and roll to another level to prove my dad wrong that I could do it. So when I started playing guitar in, in bands in the Fort Worth-Dallas area, that's exactly what I did, and there was no fear in that. So that, what you were saying that, that, that fear of just putting yourself out there and doing things that most people would look at and go, "Are you kidding me? No way," that's where I excelled Yeah. So interesting. So it, I think there are, with addiction, you know, there are personality factors, um, genetic factors, and obviously the environment has to be right, right? You have to have access to things. So, um, but, but things-- So you're living this life, sex, drugs, rock and roll, but things started to go wrong, as they do for everybody who, who can't stop using and who becomes dependent, eventually. Um, what happened? My first rehab was 17, 18. Right-- I dropped out of my senior year and, um, was kicked out of my parents' house. I was, you know, living with the guy that I was getting heroin from. And, um, I remember the first-- my frien- parents, do you think your parents did the right thing by kicking you out, or was that the wrong thing to do That's a great question. That's a great question. Well, at the time that they kicked me out, I had already put them through so much that at, at this point it was my mom and my stepdad and they're like, "We- you can't live here anymore." And it was destructive, you know, throwing, uh, getting angry, and I was just so mad. It was destructive, it was hurtful. You know, and they finally got to a point where I, I, I believe with all of my heart they had tried everything. They had my mom and my stepdad both, which my stepdad, most people don't end up with stepparents that are, um… You know, I, I, I, I truly look at my own stepdad as more loving and more of a, a dad father figure to me than, than my actual, um, biological father. But yeah, I, I, I can't say that it was wrong or right. I, I believe wholeheartedly that they made the best decisions that they could. I don't have children myself. I know they don't come with, um, with instruction manuals, so I, I can only imagine, you know, what they were feeling and, and how hard of a decision that must have been, but I can't say that it was wrong or right as parents and as, as a parent who really struggled with my daughter for, you know, a period of time, y- it's hard to know what the right thing is to do, right? When someone's causing so much chaos in your home, I don't know if there were younger brothers or sisters there. Um, you know, it's just, it's really hard, and you get a lot of advice, and some of the advice you get is, you know, the tough love advice and bad advice. And, it's just hard to know, and then you second-guess yourself. You know, "Did I do the right thing?" so you're kicked out of the house, and you're living with your… Did you say your heroin dealer? Yes. And, um, all my friends that I started doing it with, at this point were already using needles. They'd already skipped past the snorting it. Uh, smoking it wasn't even a thing. Like, we didn't do that. We were either snorting it, and all my friends started, um, shooting up already. And I've always been terrified of needles. Even though I'm just covered in tattoos, for some reason needles didn't sit well with me. And so the guy that I was living with had stuck a needle in my arm, and I freaked out. I pushed him away, ran out of his apartment, got on my bicycle, rode to the gas station, called my mom from a payphone and said, "I need help." Like I, "Something's gonna happen to me." And, um, she came and got me, and that was the first rehab I went to. But a- after that, it was just constant trouble. It was jail. It was, you know, all… I would not carry insurance, and I'd get pulled over and get a ticket. It would turn into a warrant. Next thing I know, I'm pulled over for speeding and getting picked up on the warrant and going to jail, and it was just that over and over and over. And then my mom was like, "Brian, we can't take this anymore. You're gonna get kicked out. We're gonna send you to, um…" Then my dad started coming over and, like, trying to intervene, you know, taking my car away or, you know, "You need to go to rehab or you're not gonna get your car back." "Fine. Whatever. Send me to rehab." So I'd go to rehab again, you know, to get a selfish, for a selfish reason, to get back something that, you know, that I needed at the time A car. Not really to get well, to get healthy. Ja, nein. Ja And so how many years did that go on for? Till I was 28 and ended up getting sentenced to seven… I was in county jail for a year, little over a year, and then, uh, got sentenced to seven or eight months in, um, in prison in South Texas. And so that, it was like 18 months total. So during that time was the, that was the longest stint that I'd ever, you know, gone without anything in my system What was your crime? Uh, I had gotten raided by the authorities, and I don't mean the Fort Worth Police Department. I was dating a girl who- whose dad was an FBI agent, and so was her brother, and I was being watched, and I got raided. And I got charged with three to five Xanaxes. After all the raiding that they did and tore my house apart, um, the only thing that they found, this is a whole nother wild story, but in short, they found some Xanaxes. And, um, they charged me with a controlled substance under one gram, and I got put on probation for, like, five years. And I just didn't stop. I, I just kept going. Mm-hmm. so finally they started, um… You know, I was doing drug tests for probation, and the City of Fort Worth, when they locked me up and I went into probation one day, they had counted out, I think it was 21 total, uh, chances. I'd, I'd failed 11 drug tests and 10 false positives. And finally I went into probation one day and they said, uh, "All right. Well, here's, here's what's gonna happen next." Two officers came in behind me and put my hands behind my back, and I didn't come home for 18 months Are you ready to protect the next generation from the dangers of substance use? Emily's Hope has created a comprehensive K through 12 substance use prevention curriculum designed to educate, empower, and equip students with the tools they need to make healthy choices. Our age appropriate lessons start in kindergarten and build through high school using science, real stories, and interactive learning to help kids understand their bodies, brains, and risk of drug use. We're already reaching thousands of students across multiple states, and we're just getting started. Visit emilyshopeedu.org to learn more and share our curriculum with your school administrators and counselors. At Emily's Hope, we believe prevention begins with education. Let's work together to keep our kids safe. Do you think drug use should be criminalized? Man, that's a great question I-- you read these studies or you hear these stories about other countries that are doing it, making it safer, and it drops the crime I don't know enough about that to say yes, that for sure works. I, I think that people are going to do it no matter what. S- in, in California, the… I've been here since 2020. It is definitely illegal to smoke pot or have the possession of marijuana in the state of Texas as of right now. Right When I moved to California and saw that people are just walking down the street, I would- living in Venice, and it was the craziest, scariest thing, well, one of them, to walk into a dispensary on Abbot Kinney in Venice, buy a huge blunt or some weed, and an officer be standing right there on the side of the street, and you could smoke a joint right there in front of him and no consequences. That was wild to me. But a part of that also, when you're not throwing people in jail for having … If you have a, a, a pipe full of methamphetamines and you're sitting there on the side of the street and you're smoking it, do I think you should go to jail for that? That's taking up tax dollars. That's spending so much money and time and effort and paperwork and tax dollars to just take somebody to jail that's gonna turn around and get right back out and do it again. There's so many avenues to that, that I, I, I just don't know what the best answer is. I really don't I don't think we do know what the best answer is, but I do think it would be great to have some altern- and of course we have drug court now and think drug courts and things like that. But i- instead of punishing people for their addiction, to treat them. Not that-- because probably getting away from the substances for 18 months at age 28 was probably good for you. I, I got out right before I was 30, so yeah, yeah yeah. But, but I mean, a way to put, put-- sentence people to treatment, I mean, instead of sentencing people to prison, because it is a disease of the brain, and if, if, if we could shift our cultural ideas about this. And now not that-- now if someone does commit crime, uh, and oftentimes people, uh, methamphetamine is a especially-- can cause a special, you know, especially cause violence, a violent crime, you know, while high, that may be a different type of thing. But Sure we've figured out how to really handle it in this country Well, there's an- another avenue to that that I think is extremely important to look at. I got arrested. I went to jail. I went to prison. But I didn't wanna go back, so I did whatever it took because I'm resourceful and I know how to play the game. I did whatever I had to do to not go back. I wasn't ready to quit. You could send me to Timbuktu where I know nobody. G- give me an hour, and I will find exactly what I want. So you send somebody to, to drug rehab for the, the crimes that they committed or for having a certain amount on them that's over the legal limit to have on your possession, whatever it may be. If they're not ready to change their life and to walk away from that lifestyle, lock them up all you want, send them to rehab all you want. As soon as I got out of every rehab, I may have stayed sober a month afterwards, maybe, maybe. Going to AA meetings, NA meetings. And I thought, "You know what? I, I'll just do what I gotta do." Never did I look at these situations and, and think, "I'm done. I'm ready to change my life. I'm ready for a different path." So you can lock me up all you want, put me in rehabs all you want. If I'm not ready to make that life-changing decision, what's, what … You just wasted however much money it was to send that person to that rehab or however many tax dollars you spent a day to house that criminal or that drug or alcoholic in that cell to feed them and, and house them and, you know, s- Yeah. And I, and I know what you're saying is true. I know it's true that people have to be ready to make that change, and it has to come from within. It can't come externally. It ha- and, and sometimes external pressures can spur someone to make that change from within. The problem you have with today's drug supply is that it's so deadly, right? So how do you save people? How do you protect people? I always say with our naloxone or Narcan, you know, we just wanna keep people alive until we can get them help, until they're ready for help. But I mean, it's, it's so-- it's a frustrating thing. I- if, if the drug supply wasn't so deadly and people had more time, you know, maybe at, you know, they could g- continue to use or sometimes people grow out of addictions. That's another thing I've read about. You can actually grow out of addiction. Um, it is a frustrating… It is a really complicated problem. W- we want easy solutions And I don't think that there is one. So one of my really good friends in, in Dallas, Texas just a few months ago was partying with some friends as he kind of works in the music industry and like producing and just things like that, and was working with some big people in LA. And they'd flown to, to Dallas, and he was hanging out with them, and they were drinking and doing coke, you know, and just nothing more, just doing that, you know. And, um, it was laced with fentanyl, and it killed him, Right. Um- A common, a tragic and common story yeah, w- and, and what I don't understand is why? Why would you wanna kill off the people that you're making money from? If you're looking at it from that perspective, I mean, that, it just makes no sense to me. that question is something I've been asking for eight years, and I've asked DEA agents that. And I f- and what I've heard, the, the, the e- explanations I've heard is that, well, first of all, the line's out the door, so there's gonna be someone to replace that person who died. The cartels don't care if people die. They just want more and new customers. And also, they don't die because fentanyl is so highly addictive, are gonna come back for more. Um, and so those are the explanations I've heard. But it, it do- it, it doesn't make a lot of sense Doesn't. And I'm sure I can, I can't even imagine, like, what you went through with your own daughter and having those questions and wanting those answers and trying to just understand it. I, I can't even fathom what somebody has gone through in, in, in that position, what, what you were experiencing. And I, I, I often think that because my mother said something to me, uh, many years ago that- She told me that if-- She was always worried if I was not gonna make it, right? That was her biggest fear, was that she's gonna talk to me one day, and the next day I'm not gonna be here, and she's gonna get that phone call. So she went-- She, and she had done everything. She went to her, uh, I think it was the preacher of our church or a counselor and, and said, "What do I do now?" And that person that she was talking to said, "Do you feel like you've turned over every rock, every stone? You have depleted every bit of energy, every bit of financial resources that you have to your, um, availability to save him?" My mom said, "Yes." That guy, whoever it was said,"You have to just let it go. You have to just know that if something were to happen to him, you feel in your heart that you made every attempt possible, um, to save him, and it w- it was just out of your hands." And when my mom told me that, it, it, it… I don't know that it even really scared me for her because I was still going through it so much. It was just kinda like,"Oh, well, that's not gonna happen to me, so why would you even worry about that?" I think there's a certain amount of, um, narcissism within addiction. Now, I'm Oh a narcissist you know, or people who suffer from substance use disorder nar- nar- all narcissists. I'm not saying that. But within the addiction, um, you're so caught up, people are so caught up in themselves that they can't really look at something from another person's point of view or perspective Right. And I think for me, I, I think that word gets thrown around a whole lot when people really aren't truly that. When I think of a narcissist, I think of somebody who truly has no empathy and no care for anybody else whatsoever, Right never that way. Like I, I love my mother more than any person on the planet and had the same amount of love for her then. I just didn't have that fear because I didn't think that it would happen to me, even though people around me, three of my best friends, had already overdosed from heroin addiction And died? Yes, ma'am. Yes. I can still hear those mothers', um, screams and cries from the funeral. And we left, we would literally leave the funeral and went right back to our drug dealer's house and got heroin, and I was also smoking a lot of crack at the time as well, and to party afterwards. That's just what we did. So I think there's this level of selfishness without question, Without might be a better word than narciss- narcissism, but question, self-absorbed. sh- yes. Yeah. I, I, 'cause I still had empathy and love for people and love for my family and, and, and even really daughter was, yeah, one of the most loving, kind people in her personality, you know? But once the addiction set in, it felt like nothing else, it, it, there, your whole world becomes about using and, and when you're gonna use. And so, and how you feel and how things are impacting you, and you don't think about how your behaviors are impacting your family or others Sure. Y- you know, I, that makes me think that if I'm not feeling good from whatever it is that I need, that, that addiction, the alcohol, the heroin, the crack, the, the coke, the meth, whatever it is, that in a sense gave me this, this feeling of love and belonging and okay. Like I could breathe. If I wasn't and I was needing it, like going through any kind of withdrawal because it had been 12 hours or whatever it may be, why would I wanna hang out with my mom or be around anybody? Because I'm angry. Like, I, I, I can't talk to you. I can't function. I, I can't deal with you until I can deal with this. And so that becomes a huge selfish, self-righteous, in a sense, um, way of living, you know?'Cause I … Why would I wanna be around my mom if, if I'm going through withdrawals, or anybody for that matter, you know? So I had to feed myself before I could even begin to, um, to function outside of myself And, and I mentioned at the beginning of this podcast that you found yourself homeless. How did that happen, and how old were you? Uh, that was shortly after I moved to California. So I moved here during 2020. I was 42 Okay. S- Yeah, 42 and, so six years ago Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. And so I had this, um, house in Venice that I moved in with a guy that, um, I'd known for a weekend. Um, and we were partying so hard. Like, when I moved here, I wanted to live in LA my whole life, so now I'm here, and I'm definitely pretty hard into my addiction. Still, like, the… Once I got out of prison, like, it just went right back. Once I got on probation and parole and all that stuff was done, I went right back to it all, and I hadn't stopped until 962 days ago today. But when I got here, I was like, "All right. I'm in LA. Let's, let's go." And that's exactly what I did. And I mean, I was… I let loose, to say that. I mean, parties in the Hollywood Hills with people, and I've done some things that, uh, still to this day, I question how I survived it all. But I ended up not getting along with this person anymore and, um, we had both known some homeless people because it was a way… In Venice, it's just everywhere. Venice is the… All the crazy life that I've lived and the people that I've done things with and, and survived, nothing could have ever prepared me for Venice Beach, California. Nothing in this world. And it was scary, and it is cold, and it is hard, and it is a wild place and, and I lived that. So, and, and homelessness is just apparent. Like, it is just in front of your face, and that's not something that I'm, I'm used to being from Fort Worth/Dallas, Texas. Yes, we have homeless people there, but I don't walk out of my front door and see it on the street right in front of me, and that's what this new environment was like. And so I got to know a lot of these people because, well, that's where I would get drugs, you know? So I made friends with them So I ended up, you know, going first into a, a hostel. And if you know what that is, it's just like this little hotel where it's mixed people, you know, coed, and people would come in from all over the world and stay a weekend and move on to the next destination. Well, I lived in one of those in Venice for a while, and then when summer hit, it got so expensive that I was running out of money. I didn't have a job. I, I-- All the money that I'd saved to get to California was… I pretty much didn't have a dollar to my name at this point and definitely couldn't afford to stay in the hostel anymore. I was given a tent by these guys for no reason. They just said, "Do you want a tent? We have to go back to Colorado. We can't take it with us. It's brand new." Uh, and I was like, "I guess I could put it in my storage. I don't know why I'm gonna ever need it, but sure." You know, another thing to add to my collection of crap. Next thing I know, I needed it, and I was setting it up and breaking it down every morning and every night at the, um, on the library lawn in, in Venice. Um, I couldn't even keep my car running long enough overnight because I had no money left, and, uh, my friends, you know, would sometimes send me a $20 bill, you know, just to put gas in my car, and I'd put $10 of gas in and use the other $10 to, you know, go get a little bit of meth or, you know, whatever. Meth mainly. Um, and then, you know, I'd use change to go buy bottles of, you know, whiskey and vodka and whatever else I could get my hands on just to calm the nerves. And so it turned into this- A major fight or flight situation, but I was already living in a fight or flight, just flying by the seat of my pants and just fighting to survive every day, and this just piled on top of it made it What, what do you want people to know about what it's like to be homeless? It makes you feel like you're literally worthless W- when you end up not having a roof over your head and nowhere to go, that level of fear, when I already explained to you I've never had fear in my life This was a different kind of fear because it, it got so low It got so lonely It's like I can still feel those feelings. But I, I was so determined not to go back to Texas, um worthlessness, just the scum of the earth. Like, do I not deserve more than this? What about shame? Were you ashamed too? If there's one thing that I've ever felt shame about, it might have been that very part of my life. I've never really shamed myself because I've always understood the decisions that I've made that led me to where I was at, and I just rolled through them and dealt with it and tried to make different decisions. They definitely weren't always the best decisions or ones that I was proud of at that time Looking back on it, I have no regrets. Nu- none. But man, i- i- it, how am I gonna get out of this? And th- and this is what, this is what launched me to, to get out of it however I could possibly get out of it. So in Venice, you know, it, it's, you have a lot of people with a lot of money, and then you have people that are poor, right? disparities. Yeah. And so I, I use this, this analogy that I would see people, um, throw a, a nice chandelier out into the trash because they got a new one. And the library lawn in North and South Venice Boulevard had so many, like, mobile homes and, and trailers and cars, and people were just living out of it. It was just nuts. And then the entire library lawn was just full of tents. It was like its own little community. And when I first started setting up there, there was like four or five. I went back a year later, and it was just, like, overgrown with that same exact spot, like its own little community. But I would see these homeless people go and grab that chandelier, hang it up in their tent to make it more comfortable, to make it feel more like a home And when I started seeing things like that happen, that's when I knew that I'm not about to get comfortable. And here's the other thing, like, I didn't have anybody with me. So a lot of these, these people that are living in these tents were couples or friends, and a lot of them weren't really single-handedly there by yourself. Because if you're there by yourself, there's no way you could leave your tent up the rest of the day and go to the beach, or go into the boardwalk, or go out and hustle and go do things. Because you would come back and everything that you have would be gone within two minutes of you walking away and blinking. So I had to tear mine down every single morning when I finally, you know, came to, and then I would have to put it back up every single night, and then I would have gang members that would come and shake it and say, "Dude, you stole our fucking tent. You know, give us our fucking tent back." And, you know, the f- just the scary situations like, "Am I gonna survive this?" So it, it depleted me. It beat me up. It mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually just beat me up If you or someone you love is struggling with substance use disorder, we want to remind you that help is available. With fentanyl and the drug supply, there's no time to wait. Please reach out and get the support you need. We've put together a list of helpful resources on our website, emilyshope.charity. You'll find a link in our show notes. And then you decided to find a place to live, but weren't making steps to be sober or No. yet No, no A quality that I do have that is, I will have to admit, is exceptional is I am resourceful and I'm great with people and I know how to talk and communicate and just make friends with everybody. And so I met this one person who knew this other guy who had a, um, apartment in Santa Monica and he was like,"Dude, I'll give you a month to let you, you know, help you get back on your feet." And at the time I was waiting for, um, I think he let me do this because he knew that I was gonna get some money from the state of California for COVID, right? So that was one thing that did save me is I ended up getting some money for, for COVID from the state of California. And so he let me move in and, um, hang out in the spare bedroom and turns out he was an even worse alcoholic than I was and, um, we started, you know, arguing really bad and, and it got pretty wild. And so I ended up leaving there, and I was sleeping… I'd started this, um, I'd started this virtual reality business. I'd taken the money that I got from the state of California and went and bought a bunch of virtual reality headsets, and I set up this really cool shop and spent almost every dollar I had because I believed in this idea so much. And then that guy that helped me, um, gave me a place to rent in a building to set this all up at, uh, flaked on me and wanted a bunch of money from me and then kicked me out of that. So I was living in a, um, a U-Haul that I had turned into this, like, mobile virtual reality business. And I would park in the Santa Monica parking lot and, um, charge people, like, 10 bucks to play virtual reality. And so I just kept going through all these different people that were trying to help me, and then that guy had a girl that I'd met that she had an apartment in, um, in, uh… Let's see. I went from Santa Monica to, um, Culver City, and she had a, a room that she rented me, and I ended up getting a job in the, uh, in the music industry, the audio and video industry that I have a degree in. So I started to somewhat kind of get some momentum and, and get on my feet a little bit. Her and I had a falling out, left there, ended up homeless again, then met somebody else that took me to, um, Woodland Hills and then Canoga Park and then Huntington Beach. Um, but all of this was in fight or flight mode. Like, this was just off the seat of my pants, just meeting somebody that said, "Okay, I'll take a chance on you," and I just would burn bridge after bridge after bridge, you know? And, um, and then when I say I was guided to Huntington Beach, it was truly out of an inner voice telling me that this was a location I need, needed to go to. I, I knew one person here, and I came and met her one day off of an Instagram post. We didn't know each other. I just we kind of communicated through Instagram off of a funny post, and she said she lived in Huntington Beach. And one day I had nothing to do, and I was in, uh, in LA, and I was like, "Well, I'm gonna come meet you." And she was like, "Please don't. I don't know you." And I was like, "No, I'm on my way." And, uh, that's what I did. And I liked the vibe here. And so couple weeks later, the girl that was giving me a chance to live in her office of her business in Canoga Park came over to her office one day and said, "You gotta go. There's some things on my video cameras that I saw you doing in here, and I can't, uh, can't have you here anymore." Another bridge I burned And, uh, got to hunt the beach and Ended up, you know, and getting scammed in this house that I was living in. These people were just renting rooms to people, getting their deposit, getting their first couple months' rent, and then kicking them out. It was a husband and wife, and they would keep their money. And I'd been there for, like, four months and paid a huge deposit and was paying rent there, and then they kicked me out one day out of… for no reason. Like, just for no reason. Showed up at the door with a, um, an eviction notice. I called a few attorneys, and it just so happened that one of the attorneys that I called was, um, he had family in Dallas and he saw my 214 area code number and said, "Are you from Dallas? We Dallas people gotta help each other out. What can I do for you?" I told him the situation. He ended up getting me all my money back. So now I had some money, but I was homeless, and I didn't wanna spend it on a hotel, and I, I just wasn't able to find any kind of, um, any place to live because I was so twacked out and drunk and, uh, people just didn't welcome me to… I used to s- I used to say that, man, I just went from place to place and was just trying to… It was either too expensive or I just didn't vibe with these people. You know, later on it, I realized that when I walked into a place to try to rent a room and I'm barely standing up or, know, just, "Hey, so how many other people live here? Like, do I have my own bathroom?" I mean, just out of control People knew you were on something. That was the truth. Wasn't me not vibing with them, it was them not wanting this person in their house for another second But you, what, what happened in Huntington Beach?'Cause you were able to find something. What happened? I'm sleeping in my car and driving back and forth to LA every day. And again, having a hard time finding any place. Well, somebody had told me that I should start, like, looking downtown because people will put signs in the yard for rooms to rent, and so that's what I started doing. And these are the people that, you know, I didn't vibe with. And one day I came across this sign and, uh, I called it, and it just so happened to be Elaine. I could tell she was older. Like, I didn't know how old, but I could tell that she was definitely an older woman just from her voice, and she said I could come look at the place when she got home from, uh, having dinner with her boyfriend. And so I went to this girl's house or apartment that I knew out here. She would let me come over a couple times a week and, and eat and just kinda take a shower and get out of the… get out of my car. And so I called her and asked her if I could come over and take a shower and kinda clean myself up. And I came over here and I met Elaine, and she brought me in. She showed me the place and then started telling me a little bit about her own life, about her three daughters. One had died from a, a brain aneurysm. She was a really bad alcoholic. She got sober and then passed away from a, a brain aneurysm, I believe is what it was. And then her other two daughters are in recovery from their alcoholism. Then she tells me about her two grandsons that had both, um, lost their lives to fentanyl Oh, wow. And she's telling me all this She's telling me all this while I'm st- struggling to even maintain energy. I, I was so worn out at this time and, and, and all I could think about was like,"Why is this lady sharing this information with me?" I'm, I'm fighting tears. I don't know what's going on. I… It was just this moment of, um, o- of peace that she brought on. But at the same time, there's no way I'm gonna end up living in this house. This is too, this would be too perfect. But she told me that there was, um, somebody else that was before me that, um, that had already contacted her before me to come look at it the following morning. And so she said that she would call me the next day and let me know after she made a decision with that other, uh, person that was gonna come look at the place. And so I went back to my car, went, uh, across the street and took a little nap. Got up, drove to LA the next morning. And, and at this point, I had called my mom and told her that I was homeless. She thought I was still living in this house in, in Huntington Beach and that everything was fine. I put my mom through so much in my life that I couldn't bear to let her know that I'm back homeless again So I called her and told her what was going on. Of course, she starts freaking out, getting upset, you know, wondering what I'm gonna do, and please call her the next day and let her know as soon as I find out from Elaine what her decision was gonna be. And I never heard from Elaine. So I came back here after work and gave her a call, and I was like, "Hey, this is Brian. You know, I met you yesterday. Never heard from you today." And she said, "Oh, well, that guy was a friend of my daughter's from high school, so I'm gonna go ahead and let him move in. Have a nice life," basically, and, and hung up the phone. So I called my mom and told her what was going on, and of course, she's bawling."Now, Brian, you're gonna have to come back. You have to come back home. How can you continue? You can't continue to do this. I can't send you any money," blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The only thing that I could say to my mom at that point was, "It's not the end. I, I'm not gonna be homeless forever. I've got out of it once. I'll get out of it again. I'm just gonna start on the next street tomorrow, you know? It just wasn't meant to be. That… And that's okay." And I believe with every fiber of my being that if I would've cussed that situation and, and blamed and, and,"Nothing ever works for me. This is bullshit," blah, blah, blah, I believe that what happened next would not have happened. Elaine called my phone and said, um, "Are you looking for long-term or short-term?" And I said, "Ma'am, I'm looking for a place to rest my head." Like, I, I'm looking for a long-term, uh, place. And she said, "Well, he's looking for short-term, and I'm looking for long-term, so let me call you tomorrow and, uh, I'll let you know." I remember thinking like,"Why can't you just… Uh, I want long-term. He wants short-term. You want long-term. Let's just, let's do this." And I remember going back across the street, getting in my car and, and taking a little nap to her calling me that next morning, waking me up and asking me if I was asleep in my car. And I lied to her and I was like, "No, no, I'm fine." She said, "Don't lie to me. Are you asleep in your car right now?" And I said, "Yes, ma'am." And she said, "Well, why don't you get, get yourself together and come over?" That's exactly what I did. I got dressed and ready faster than I think I've ever have in my entire life, and I pulled up to her house. She was standing on the front porch in her little blue robe and basically said, "Welcome home." And then she said,"Where's my money?" And I, uh, went to the bank and, uh, pulled out the money she wanted and If you're a mother grieving the loss of a child, dear friends of mine, moms who've lost children to fentanyl poisoning and overdose, are hosting the Sisters of Strength Warrior Moms Retreat October 9th through the 11th at Wildwood Hills Ranch in St. Charles, Iowa. It's a weekend of healing, connection, horseback riding, and creative remembrance with women who understand. This weekend isn't about forgetting, it's about remembering with love. The link and details are in the show notes. I hope you'll join us A- and what was it about that that was different from all the other times before where maybe you had found a place to stay, didn't work out? What was different this time? This situation immediately, it-- after what she had shared with me about her own family and being in her house, it was-- it felt like family. It-- I knew that it was just, it was just right. It was… We were put in each other's life to save each other, to help each other. She didn't have anybody here. She loves to garden and do all these things, and there's some, you know, little repairs that needed done on the house. And so it, it gave us both a, a purpose in each other's life that was beyond, you know, my doing, beyond her doing. This was definitely what I call a universal God interaction. And we were put in each other's lives to save each other, to help each other, and this felt like a home where the rest of them just felt like temporary placements And how long did it take after that, after you moved in and you're forging this relationship with Elaine, almost, you know, this mutually beneficial relationship where you're helping each other, how long did it take for you to realize that you wanted give up the drugs and the alcohol? Some of it is kind of a blur, but I wanna say it was roughly a year and a half after me being here. So we were talking… Took a while. oh, yes. What- Wasn't like instantaneously you were like, found my place, I found some purpose, I'm done." No, it got darker than it's ever gotten when I moved in here Jail, rehabs, heroin addiction, tents, sleeping in my car, lonely, scared, tired. Now I have this roof over my head. Now I've got that place of refuge. I can rest. But I've always been the life of the party. I've always been that guy that's had a million friends, acquaintances Um, always been the life of the party, always surrounded myself with that party scene and being around people. When I moved in here, things took a turn for the worse. That's when it got dark and lonely, and I secluded myself from, from the rest of the world, except for going to work So I'd never experienced that before, and depression, I don't think it was depression. It was finally like, "Oh, now I don't have to worry about the roof over my head, and so I can just dive into sitting here playing guitar and, and just secluding myself in my room." And that's all I did. Man, and I just-- One day, uh, there were a couple incidents that happened. I, I started walking down the street or, or seeing people. I started noticing little things. A, a, a, a boyfriend and a girlfriend or a husband and wife or just a guy walking down the street, and the look in his eyes had life to him. There was a, a smile that I could see through on the inside And I started thinking to myself, "Man, what would that be like?" So there was a few things that, that happened, um, that started making me think about a, a different way of life. And then one morning I, um, I was brushing my teeth, that was 962 days ago today, and, uh All the chatter, all the lies, all the chaos, all the shame, guilt, whatever, all of the emotions, all of the chatter and everything that, that we constantly just hear in our heads got really quiet. Scary quiet. Intense quiet And I heard a voice speak to me that told me I was worth it. I heard you are worth it I didn't question it. The reflection looking back in the mirror while I was brushing my teeth is what really scared me for the first time because I'd never seen a, a lifeless person. I'd never seen a lifeless Brian. I've seen a struggling Brian. I've seen a hurt Brian. I've seen a betrayed Brian. I've seen a scared Brian I've seen a worn out Brian, but I've never seen a, a lifeless version of myself until I looked in the mirror that morning And I, I didn't question what it was that I was worthy of. A, a new car, a little bit more happiness, a little bit more love for myself, a little bit-- a better relationship, uh, the perfect job. I mean, it-- Those weren't questions that went through my head during this moment. It, it was just this overwhelming belief that I was worthy of more. A better life, not more things So I didn't stop. I just believed it, and I decided right then and there that I would do whatever I needed to do to, uh, change my life, So interesting. So it wasn't some big moment or some huge loss or some… It was just a moment in your bathroom in front of the mirror, quiet moment that transformed you Yes, ma'am Wow. So interesting. And do you think that would've happened if you hadn't met Elaine and moved into the place where you were living? Interesting. Um, what-ifs have always been really hard for me to think about because I don't believe in coincidences. So as far as I know and, and can look at, this is just the way my life was supposed to turn out. The difference is, is that I could have made a decision to believe what I had been telling myself for so long was that, "Brian, this is just all you know. You're just gonna be a drug addict and an alcoholic your whole life." Like, that voice is you wanting to think something different So I could have very, uh, uh, it was a fork in the road. I could have very easily chose one over the other The only slight variation to that w- I knew that it wasn't me, and it really is, it wasn't a slight variation, it was a, a huge variation I knew that that wasn't me speaking to me. I knew that wasn't my internal voice, that wasn't my internal chatter. That was something greater beyond myself that lived way deep down inside of me that was coming out and saying, "Hey Yeah. I don't believe that God, love, source, creator, whatever, Jesus, anybody wants to call it or, or, or think about it from your perspective, whatever's fine with me. I, it doesn't make any difference. I don't believe that we're separate from that love. I don't believe that we're separate from that creation. I believe if, if my mother and father had me, I'm a part of my mother and father If the God that you wanna call God or, or whatever term you wanna use is the creation of me, it's not outside of me, it is within me So I've always understood that and believed that for myself. So when I hear that voice that is overwhelmingly more so than my own head voice, I had no choice but to believe it So at 42 or 43 at this point, That was wake up 46. January 7th. January 7th, 2024 Okay. two years ago you wake up, and then you wanna get into recovery, you want to stop use. How were you able to do that? First of all, I don't recommend this to anybody. Definitely don't recommend this to anybody. I, I did get myself into a, uh, a sober living home, but when I got there, I was there for three days, and these people were relapsing in front of me. Like, they were sneaking alcohol in. You could smell pot everywhere. People were coming out of the bathroom just, you know, sniffing. I could tell they're in there, you know, doing drugs. And, and I felt like, man, here I am reaching out trying to get help. I had started going to AA meetings a couple months before all this 'cause I had this situation with this guy that I met and told me I should, you know, go check out this AA meeting because… It's a whole 'nother story. But I, I attempted that. And so I called my neighbor and I was like, "Can you please come get me?" And she came and got me, and I locked myself… I told … God, the things that have happened. I told Elaine, she knows that I work in the audio and video production, um, industry, and I told Elaine that, that I was going on tour with a California band for 30 days all up and down the, the coastline of Calif- Southern California, really going into rehab. So that's the reason why she knew I wasn't gonna be here, is because I would be in rehab. So the third day, I get back home, and I had to tell her,"Well, it just didn't work out. The thing fell through and, and I just had to come back home." And so that's all she knew. But we always have interaction throughout the day, right? We always see each other, we always say hi, we always talk. Um, she's asked me to do something, I do it, whatever. And so I locked myself in my bedroom and I didn't come out, and it was halfway through it. Like, the withdrawals, because fentanyl was being used to cut the meth that I was smoking these days, right? So I was still taking Vicodin, I was still taking Xanax to, to calm my nerves, if you will, just to calm down a little bit. I was drinking heavily. Uh, the meth I was smoking, uh, doing a lot of DMT as well, and mushrooms. So the withdrawals from all of this were stronger than any other, um, withdrawal I've ever gone through, to the point where I was on my hands and knees clawing the carpet, begging God to just take me."I can't do th- I can't do this anymore. Just r-release, please release me. I, I can't." I had this feeling that Elaine was wondering where Brian was. I mean, we may have seen each other for just a few seconds a, a couple days, but she definitely knew that something was, was wrong. And so I, I went downstairs and I told her who she really had living in her home. And was I scared that she was gonna possibly kick me out? Yeah I was so ready and so determined that I didn't care. If she did kick me out, I don't know what I'm gonna do, I don't know what doors are gonna close or what doors are gonna open. I just knew that as of right now, I'm, I'm gonna stay sober, whatever that answer is. So I went downstairs and I sat down with her on the couch and I told her who she really had living in her house. Her response to me was, "Brian, you're family to me now. I love you. I want you to be here. I want you to get well. Um, go do what you need to do, and if you need me, you know where I'm at." And, um, I came back upstairs and, and went through it Wow. And you had the support. You had support there, which is important. You weren't thrown in the street again. So what keeps you in recovery? How have you been able to maintain your sobriety? that Gratitude Explain Before my feet hit the ground every morning and when I go to sleep at night, I thank God for another chance at life. Thank you for waking me up today. Thank you for giving me another chance. Thank you for the roof over my head, the shoes on my feet, the clothes on my back, and the food in my stomach. Those five things. Everything after that is just a bonus. Thank you for the blessings, big and small. I'm grateful for everything that you put in front of my life today, and I know I can handle it do you still live with Elaine? Yes, ma'am. Absolutely. Yeah, that's my little, that's my little buddy and what is your relationship with Elaine like today It's amazing. Um, I'm really close with the rest of her family and it's a beautiful thing. I'm, I'm very, very blessed. I'm very grateful. And that's how I, I have to live my life. I, I, I can't look back at the past and think woulda, shoulda, coulda, what if? And I can't look too much in the future anymore and, and try to plan. It's good to have ideas and, and, and plan for the future as, as much as you can. That's, that's a great thing to do. Not a problem with that. But living in that and, and wondering how you're going to get there and all the things that you start projecting onto the future, I don't live there anymore. I have my dreams and desires and goals, and I've detached from the outcome. I stay grateful. I put one foot in front of the other, and I let the rest just, just happen. And, um, I don't look at, at, at, as life as things that come into my life as, uh, mistakes or problems or, or anything like that. I look at them as, as growth moments And I just, I just stay grateful for everything that comes my way, good, bad, or indifferent, because I don't believe things are good, bad, or indifferent. I think they're what you believe them to be. And if you're going through something right now, the, the best thing you can do, in my humble opinion, is start looking on the inside and realizing that life isn't happening to you, it's happening for you. And once you start believing that, you can start changing your life And through this you created something you call the Crab Crew, and we're talking about crabs that like live in the ocean. Um, the Crab Crew, why did you call it that and what is it? I started live streaming on TikTok after mine and Elaine's videos went, started going viral So what is all on this perfect sandwich that you've been making for so many years? Um, it's just cheese, um, American cheese and ham. That's it? And bread and butter pickles. I have to have bread and butter pickles. Yeah, that's a must. Absolutely. And then you have. Oh my God, you made cookies as well? I did, honey. You can check out Brian's TikTok account by heading to the show notes for this episode. There, you'll also find links to other Grieving Out Loud episodes we think you'll enjoy. And if you have a moment, we'd really appreciate it if you would rate and review this episode. It helps us to spread awareness about the opioid epidemic, break down the stigma surrounding addiction, and hopefully encourage more people to reach out for help I love creating, like I've just always… I was already making TikTok videos before this happened. Um, but and none of it happened till after I got sober. Like, I was six months sober when, um, I made this one video, and it just went. I think it hit seven million within just a couple of weeks. And then the next one after that one hit 14 million within a couple weeks, and then my account just started going crazy, and I started live streaming and sharing my story with others and living in real time the struggles that I was going through. And, uh, it, it just turned into this huge thing outside of my understanding. And then I realized that I, I was doing something for myself to not only get the creativity out, but a way to keep me from thinking about, um, you know, what the next move was or, or sobriety. It was just, it was just real authentic, "I don't know what's going on. I'm just here showing up, and whatever happens, let's just have fun with it." And, um, it started creating this amazing community. So I started getting these, um, these live streaming gifts from people to support the live stream, and one of them was a crab, and it dances on your head and does these little pinching things. And, um, I just yelled out to this person, "Really? You just gave me crabs right here on TikTok in front of everybody?" And it just turned into this funny moment. And so it just started happening more and more often with people, and I started getting crab gifts from all over the world. Uh, crab blankets, crab key chains, crab socks, crab T-shirts, crab blankets, crab bubblers, just people showing so much support for it. And I started hearing that voice again internally saying,"Do some research on a crab. This isn't happening for just fun. There's something more to it." And so I did. And I learned that crabs are amazing, amazing creatures, animals, and they can crawl themselves out of deep, dark holes, and they can move in all these different directions, and they're super resilient, and they're adaptive. And they can just also pause and, and figure out their next move instead of, um, freaking out, you know. And I started thinking about the words resilience and adaptability and realizing that I've been training for resilience and adaptability my whole life. Not only that, since I got sober- I don't know how to be sober. I don't know who this Brian is. I don't know anything about this guy. I know nothing about this new person. So I was learning to be resilient and adaptive in a completely different way than, than living in a tent or sleeping in my car or, you know, being a, a drug addict alcoholic. So I'm learning how to adapt in, in this new situation, this new life, this new experience. And so I, after I started doing some research, I found out that there's a something called the, the crab mentality, and if you put crabs in a bucket, they'll try to claw out. But when they do, the other ones will claw them and, and pull them back down Well, I started looking at my own life, and man, people, places, and things pulled me back down all the time. But more importantly, I realized that I was letting myself get pulled back down, and I was also pulling myself back down because I wasn't ready or it just wasn't something, a change that I was looking for. So it was easy to, to, to let go and, and, and pull myself back down with the influence of other people as well. So I started just writing. I, I-- my brain would not shut off at this point. I, I, I could not stop, and I just came up with, like, the f- the framework of, of the crab. So what did I do to not only get sober, but how do I stay grateful? How do I stay joyful? How do I stay peaceful? How do I start protecting my energy from outside influences and from other things controlling the way I feel? Well, I had to get rid of the drugs and alcohol, so I had to get clean, but I had to clear out my mind, body, and spirit from all those negative thoughts that I was telling myself and lies that I might have been telling myself for so long. And then the R was perfect for resilience, adaptability for the A. And then I couldn't-- I struggled with finding what to call the B or what term I could, what word I could use for the B. And I remembered that moment that I heard those four words of you are worth it. I believed it. So it became the foundation that everything was stacked on top of. And so I had a, a, a foundation now, a strong foundation of, of a, a way to start letting the other things kind of fall into place. And so I just started building a website and, um, a transformation experience. It's not a course. I don't like the word course because that tells people that you have to do it my way or you're gonna fail, and I don't, I don't like that. These are simple disciplines that I've created throughout my day that I was building without me even understanding what I was doing that, that keep me grounded and keep me grateful and keep me humble and keep me just loving life and how to look at each experience through a different, through a different light. And that's round about how it all happened. Wow. And how many people do you have involved with the Crab Crew? 150,000? Wow. Wow. Well, that's amazing to be leading that huge 143.7 thousand, roughly 150,000 people that have, you know, from 4,200 followers to, you know, I just kept going and kept going, and now it's roughly at like 143, 144,000 Well, your story is so inspirational and your attitude is inspirational. And we're gonna put some links in the show notes of how people can find out more about the Crab Crew and more about you, um, follow you on TikTok and do all, Yeah. Elaine, um, and do Yeah. things. But I Absolutely wanna thank you so much for sharing your story with us today. I think it's, I said, inspirational and powerful very sincere. So thank you, Brian Thank you so much for having me and taking the time. I r- I really, really appreciate it. Thank you And thank you for taking the time to learn more about this important issue affecting millions of Americans, their families, and their friends. Together, we can make a difference. To learn more about Emily's Hope and the programs we offer, including our free naloxone boxes, K through 12 substance use prevention curriculum, and treatment scholarships, visit emilyshope.charity. Again, you'll find a link in the show notes. We release a new episode of Grieving Out Loud every week, but you can also find hundreds of past episodes anytime on our website. Thanks again for listening. Until next time, wishing you faith, hope, and courage. This podcast is produced by Casey Wonnenberg King and Kayli Fitz