when you grow up in a home where alcohol and drugs are common, it can be difficult not to get pulled into a generational cycle of addiction. It's what you know, it's what surrounds you. And too often it's paired with mental health struggles and abuse, making substances feel like the way to numb or escape the pain. I reflect on being a little girl at 7, 6, 7, and eight, and the. We talk about playing with dolls and dressing up and, you know, doing girl things. And I never had that. I never Yeah. any of that. Today's guest on Grieving Out Loud Tony Hand Boy faced an extremely difficult childhood shaped by trauma and loss. She experienced abuse and her parents were often absent due to addiction. She was later taken from her grandparents and separated from her Lakota roots, moving in and out of foster homes before eventually ending up in a juvenile detention center. During that time, Tony says she struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts the love of dandelions because that's what kept me alive. Um, peeking out a little window like this and seeing dandelions. And I thought to myself, um, I would see them wilt and I didn't realize the significance of what a dandelion actually was, and that's what helped me stay alive. like many who grow up around addiction. Tony eventually turned to drugs in an attempt to numb her pain, and the cycle continued as her substance use began to affect her own children. My son. 1999 on his birthday on March 30th, he was three, two and a half, three years old. And he said, mom, I was drinking a lot. And he was, he said, mom, he said, can you come to my birthday party and or you're gonna be there, right mom? And I was like, yeah, I'll be there, I'll be there son. While many are not able to break free, Tony has overcome the generational cycle of addiction and has been in recovery for nearly two decades. Today. She's not only rebuilding her own life, she's helping others who are struggling with substance use disorder. In this episode of grieving Out Loud, Tony shares her difficult. But powerful story. What finally led her to seek help and the message she hopes will reach others who feel trapped by addiction. Toni Handboy's story is about survival, recovery, and the long road. Back to identity. A Native American woman whose life was shaped by trauma, loss and addiction. Toni knows all too well how dark things can get during the depths of withdrawal from substance use. She reached a point where she believed there was no way forward, only a plan for her. Life to end, but in a moment of sheer exhaustion and courage, she walked into a treatment facility, broke down the door, and asked for help. That decision changed everything. Now nearly 20 years into recovery. Toni is a licensed addictions counselor, a clinical supervisor, a nonprofit leader, and the director of the Wakpa Waste Counseling Services on the Cheyenne River Reservation. She has dedicated her life to helping others navigate addiction, mental health struggles, and the challenges of healing. Toni, thank you so much for joining me on the podcast. I am so happy to have you here. Thank you. I am honored to be here to share my story and some of the work that I've done with our community and, and the state of South Dakota. Let's start from the beginning, and I think one thing that many people who don't know a lot about life on reservations. Don't really understand some of the social problems that families face there. And as a child, you experienced that firsthand. Can you tell me about that? Yes, as I've gotten older in my age, I've realized that I, I was really born what we would call rich tradition. Um, my grandmother, grandparents raised us. Um, we were taught a lot in life as children by our grandparents. And pretty much shielded from some of the dynamics of the social ills of what was happening in our family. I started to recognize that, you know, my mother was absent from my life a lot and my father wasn't around. then I realized the, the bigger picture as I got older and how much it had impacted my life that my mother was absent from, from my life, pretty much abandoned us as a child, as a child, as children. you know, there was, uh, 11 of us siblings. And over time I started to realize that it was the addiction that, and mental health that had impacted, um, the parenting. From my mother and father. And so I, I always realized, I thought to myself, you know, as I've gotten older, I, I didn't really understand like poverty, addiction, uh, mental health, or any of those words. And I started to realize how much it had in really impacted me. grandparents, um, always tried to make everything okay. You know, we always had food, we always had clothes. We were taking care of the best that she could do until DSS stepped in and, you know, IDSS stepped in and took the kids away or took Including. Including you? Yeah. Right. So you had 11 siblings Yes, and the Department of Social Services stepped in your grandmother and was raising you. yes. And why do you know why they stepped? What was happening? Why did they step in? While the, my grand, my grandmother just naturally took care of us when my mom was gone. And eventually it was reported that, we didn't have any guardian guardianship. Um, my grandmother traditionally didn't file for custody and was absent and she was drinking and in and out of mental health facilities. And, and so we needed guardianship because of the school system. And finally, my grandmother fought for custody of us and DSS stepped in also, um, to fight for, for us and to provide us a safe home. And they, they did a home study. come to find out, my, my grandmother's home wasn't enough for DSS. It wasn't a living condition condition for us to live in. Tony and her siblings were placed in the foster care system where she lived with several different families from the age of six to nine. None of them were Native American or shared the cultural practices that she had grown up with. Once we were removed from our environment, um, with our grandparents, uh, it felt like when the beginning of my corporal, I call it corporal, um, training of, um, identity started to take place. Yeah. Tell people what the problem is or what the issue is with being separated from your, your culture, your relatives. For people that don't understand, can you explain that? You have a I had a security of understanding that I was gonna be placed, you know, with relatives or placed with people like me as indigenous. Um, home, which was close, you know, on the reservation. That was my, little belief in my mind as a child is that I would still feel safe. I would still feel secure. I'd still relate. To somebody. Um, and when I realized that I didn't relate to anyone else because of being indigenous, and my grandmother and my grand grandfather were traditional and they had spoke Lakota fluent language. Um, the, the, the wraparound of comfort and care in our family, um, by the grandparents and the teachings and the stories changed. The dynamics changed drastically. So I was, we were detached from that teaching what grandma would teach us or what our grandfather would teach us and the stories they told us. And originally, during that generation of time, I think it's between seven to nine, six to nine, those are very vital times in a per child's life. And that's when you like a sponge, soak up everything that's taught to you. And we were disconnected from that completely. Are you angry at the state for taking you away from your grandparents? Do you think that was in any way truly necessary? I think that I look back at it over the multiple years of, you know, questioning, um, the, the state's decision, um, you know, because of the traumatic, there's I. different and dynamics to stories and they don't usually come out until you're a lot older. And so my story is public and my family knows my story public. They know now that, you know, there was, there was things going on in the home You know, weren't appropriate. Like the sexual abuse, the physical abuse, um, the neglect, the abandonment, emotional and mental abuse, the trauma, uh, did, the grandmother did her best. My grandmother did her best to protect us from anything that would happen, but she was never always around. And so was times where, you know, I've tried to tell my grandmother and my family what was happening, and I was looked at as, you know, a liar. Um, that what happened to me wasn't true. And it became a family, you know, not just me, but it was other family, children, and myself that had started to tell what was happening. And I believe that's what initiated. You know, the state's, um, response to step in So, so what you're, what I hear you saying is that the story isn't black and white, right? So the, there are all these things that were happening, um, and things that were happening to you, maybe you weren't protected as you should have been as a child, right? And so the state steps in thinking it's wearing the white hat, right? Uh, being the good guy to take you away from that and place you in other homes. But in the process, you lost your identity and your culture. right. I lost that. I, I, I lost a direction I lost a language and some of the teachings that would've been passed down from, you know, generation, from my grandparents to me, and that disconnect from my mother, the relationship with my mother, um, and. Then, you know, just identity in general as a, as a female, as a Lakota, as a woman, you know, I, didn't realize that, you know, the sexual abuse would take me from being a little girl to being a grown mental type of setting in my mind to, because I was always a survivor, like always fighting, you know, to protect myself. And so I grew up really fast, um, emotionally and mentally. So when I was nine, I was probably in my 13 years because I had to to survival skills because I was being shipped here and there and everywhere I was with other children, other families, different group homes, different foster homes, and. And I look at my family and my siblings, my brothers and sisters, and it wasn't just me. There was, they have stories too that, you know, that I'm finding, I'm finding out later, you know, that were similar to mine. And, you know, I, I realized that, I always thought it was just me. I would cry sometimes and I would be like, why? Why is my life so hard? You know? Why do I Yeah. You know, why Right. and am I going through what I'm going through? because I told what happened to me. And, you know, I, I felt like I was being punished, you know? And, and so there was times where grandma continued to fight, although like, I mean, literally like, go to the courts, you know, talk to DSS, talk to the directors, talk to Iwa, talk to whoever else she could because she still wanted us children with her. And she fought for us for many years. And sometimes she would get visits, you know, we would get visits and we would have moments in time where my mom had her good days and she would, she went to treatment or got her mental health care done she was stable, and then we would be able to be with her for a period of time, and it always seemed so short lived and then we would be in a different environment again. Did. I always held on to hope with her. Did you ever get any sort of counseling or treatment for the sexual abuse that you endured as a child? I, um, didn't really start to disclose a lot of that happened to me until I was 13 years old. I because I started with addiction at a early age. I was nine years old. Um, I remember smoking marijuana. Um, with relatives. at nine. Yeah, with relatives. Um, I didn't feel nine. And sometimes when I go back and look at, I don't have very many childhood pictures, but some of the ones that I do have, I go back and look and I look in the, look at my picture and I look in my eyes. look at my body language of what that picture's showing me. I try to imagine where I was at mentally at that time. I think when I was nine I was probably, like I said, 13, you know, I really felt like an adult. And, um, I started smoking marijuana, which. I had never really thought anything of marijuana at the time, then I started picking up other little habits. Um, over the years, like 10, 11, you know, we started to, um, Huff, um, rush, and I don't know if very many, uh, people know what Rush is. Maybe there are people that do know. Um, and it was a, it was a temporary high, it was only like seconds of a high. And it's, it's, it would take me to a place for seconds and sometimes it would numb things, you know, like just my body and my mind. And I started to escape through those little bits of relief. Are you ready to protect the next generation from the dangers of substance use? Emily's Hope has created a comprehensive K through 12 substance use prevention curriculum designed to educate, empower, and equip students with the tools they need to make healthy choices are age appropriate lessons, starting kindergarten and build through high school using science, real stories and interactive learning to help kids understand their bodies, brains, and risk of drug use. We're already reaching thousands of students across multiple states, and we're just getting started. Visit emily's hope edu.org to learn more and share our curriculum with your school administrators and counselors. At Emily's Hope, we believe prevention begins with education. Let's work together to keep our kids safe. Rush, also known as poppers, are a liquid chemical substance that produce vapors when inhaled poppers can provide a sense of euphoria and heightened sexual pleasure. Health officials warn they're dangerous and should never be inhaled. They can cause sudden drops in blood pressure, irregular heart rhythms, and in some cases death. Now despite those risks, the FDA says poppers are still widely available online and in adult novelty stores, often labeled as nail polish remover or cleaning products. To be honest, it's used, um, in like a person goes into those porn hub places and they, they snort, uh, high to give 'em a, a heated central sexual feeling. hmm. And so they're come in little vials and we used to, we used to get those, um, off of a street vendor. And it was really, it's really weird now because when I think about it, some of this stuff is still sold in some of these little shops and easy access, no question of how old you are. Hmm. and so. You know, experimenting, right? When you first, when you're that young, you're gonna try something no matter what it is, if you wanna escape from your, you're going through in your childhood life. Um, and so that's what was happening with me. I was being taught by older kids what to experiment with and not really asking questions. I just to try something different. And that's what took me into the experiment of other things like LSD and mushrooms. I never had tried that. I tried it when I was 11 or 12. Um, my grandmother had a visitation with us that weekend and I ended up trying it with some friends and I fell out. I passed out. And didn't wake up for a while. And they called like the cops an ambulance. And they took me back to my grandmother's place, of course. But then they came and took me and put me in JDC and I was only like 11, 11 years old. Um, I, and I never, didn't, nobody ever taught me, nobody ever said, don't do drugs. Nobody ever said, don't do things that you don't know what it is. You know? And, Right. was really naive, I can say. And I was picking up things that people would introduce me to. This was just your environment. And so I'm thinking a lot about everything that set you up for addiction. Joni, uh, genetics. Your, your mother was an alcoholic. And do you know, uh, how, what the percentages of Native Americans who suffer from substance use disorder or the rates? I know what the overdose death rates are. I know it's much higher than the rest of the population. And years ago, I, I went on the reservation and did a series about alcoholism and just how Native Americans metabolize alcohol different, and now, I mean, that was years ago, and then it was alcohol and then meth, and now it's fentanyl, you know? So, so what is the, do you know like the percentage or how much more likely someone of Native American descent is to suffer from. I sometimes look at statistics too of, you know, my advocacy work and I look at the foster care rate of how many kids are in South Dakota foster care among the nine tribes. We have 1200, almost 1200 kids in foster care in South Dakota alone. Wow. Uh, come to find out on our reservation, we have six native foster homes, six non-native, that's only 12 foster homes on our reservation. Yeah. Cheyenne River alone has 174 kids in foster care. And that means that we only have 22 kids here locally. The rest of those kids are off the reservation. And the reason why I study that is because the impact of what it did to my life. And then I, I look at the grandparents taking care of, uh, grandchildren. And the reason why that is, is because my grand grandmother took care of us. so then if we have grandparents taking care of grandkids, it's because obviously sometimes the parents are not taking care because of the addiction, Mm-hmm. of the mental health. So 89, 80 9% of grandparents are taking care of grandkids on our reservation, That is staggering. That's a staggering number, the reason why I know that is because, um. uh, aging, uh, council of Aging for Native Americans did a study. They did a survey and they went all around the reservation and they surveyed elders. And that's how we found out that 89% of those elders out of how, I think it was two or 300 surveys, they did take, took care of grandchildren. So I could estimate that probably over 80% of our people and parents are suffering with addiction and mental health. right? It makes me so sad. Those high numbers and the children like you were a child born into this and. You suffered so much trauma, which sets a person up for addiction anyway. Plus you have the genetics and the environment. Everything that you described to me just set you up on this path and sadly, you were able to escape it. And I we're, we're gonna talk about that, but sadly, most people can't. They end up dying. True. And they're young. Dying young. ages. Yep. We see the trends have trained, uh, changed dramatically in the past five, 10 years. We have 30 year olds, 20 year olds dying. Um, and people out in the community are asking why, you know, why now? Why are they dying in their twenties and thirties when they used to die when they were in their fifties? And so is still young and 50 is still lower than the, you know, national life expectancy of 70 something, right? 75 or whatever it is. I'm 50 and sometimes I'll talk about my mom passing away I'll say, you know, my mom died of alcoholism. you know, really tru, truly traditionally what she died of is, um, trauma. The she didn't talk about. It's what ate her up inside. And the secondary, um, uh, the secondary impact to that was the addiction. And so, you know, she never had the chance to tell her story of the things that she went through as a little girl. so when I think about her story, I, you know, I sometimes remember, you know, I took care of her for the last nine months of her life, and I started to reflect on her life. And I realized she died when she was 50, 51. And am 50. And sometimes I think about it now, and I, I talk to my son and I'm like, I'm, I, I realize it. And it just hits me so hard because I'm telling my son, like, you know, grandma died, you know, when she was 51. I'm like 50 now, and I was telling him, it's like, it's hard to connect that because it felt like she was so much older, was so young, um, and she died and didn't a chance to have time with her grandkids or, Yeah. know, just live and, yeah. You've managed to break a cycle. Uh, but I wanna talk about what happened before you broke that cycle, yes. which is, it's just so important that there be more people like you able to break these cycles. But so you, we, we were talking about how you were 9, 10, 11 and using all these different drugs, substances, and I am guessing that continued through your teenage years until eventually your substance of choice became methamphetamine. Yes. It. When I go back and think about it, my life feels like it's been so long. And when I reflect, I, I reflect on all the group home placements. I was put in in South Dakota and I was put in, you know, I was put in plankton, I was put in, um, guardian Mountain We should mention that Planton is a, uh, a reform, like a juvenile detention center, basically form school or whatever. Plankton State Training School. So you were institutionalized. And what ages were you during this time? I was around 10, 11, and man. Mm-hmm. Oh my gosh. 10, I, and 12 and so you go, you go from n neglect and abuse in your family to being in various foster homes to being institutionalized by the state. Right? Mm-hmm. And that's why I call it corporal because I went from this that I wanted to have changed or to protect me from the things I was going through. I was so secure around grandma, but yet she couldn't always be there 24 7. And so she did try, 'cause she put us in the dorms and then she put us in the Peer Indian Learning Center. it was just briefly. And so I, you know, I think about that environment that I was removed from and into the environment I was sent to. And then I realized it was so corporal, if you really think about it, because everything was so formal, like I was It wasn't a loving home. You're not, right. it's constant change. You were, you were going through constant change as a kid, and you're not surrounded by love and care and you're a victim of sexual abuse. Um, you're u you know, using substances to cope with pain at a very young age, and no one is really taking care of. Mm-hmm. your little the child. No one is doing that. Right. It's just punishment. Right? Punishment. and being a little girl, I was not taught things I needed to know as a, as a female, as a, a little girl, as a woman, as a long, young Lakota woman, becoming a woman, you know, there was so, there's so many teachings now that I realize it, that missed as a child. And I mean, I, when I'm talking like this, I reflect on being a little girl at 7, 6, 7, and eight, and the. We talk about playing with dolls and dressing up and, you know, doing girl things. And I never had that. I never Yeah. any of that. It was, and I guess that's why be, I became what they call a tomboy back then, because I started dressing different, started covering my body in layers, and I started to wear hats. So I looked like a boy. I just, because I wanted to protect myself, You were robbed of your childhood. You really were robbed of your childhood. Right. So as I started aging, I. I started realizing that I was lost. Lost. Identity was lost direction was lost. Focus of who I was, where I was going in life was lost. I just went with the flow. With where state, the state would put me here, the state would put me there. I would, I always traveled with the little, you know, box of clothes or whatever. I would, you know, belongings of mine that I had and know, keepsakes of what I tried to, um, and the corporal life and why I refer to it is as that is because I never, I had to wake, you know, they, I don't know if you ever have heard the stories of group home placements and what it's like for people, but I mean, I had to wake up at five. We had to get ready at six. We had to do, do, um, chores and do PT and, know, um, do groups and do morning meditations and, you know, do throughout the whole day. Everything was scheduled. We had, didn't have a choice to live or breathe or do anything we wanted to do. It was so set in schedule that we were required to. Um, it was structure, like complete structure. And, I never had been taught certain things that I think about now. And I am, know, trying to reflect on things. And I realize I wasn't as formal as just learning and experiencing life freely. was having these. Things pushed and taught to me that I had to learn, I was told to learn that. Um, and, you know, one experience I'll talk about, I know, you know, I, I, you know, they always talk about being safe. They want us to learn, they want us to be in a safe environment as moving, moving me from my grandma's to another environment in foster care and in group home care, in a state. Their intentions. I'm yet to really, truly to identify, but the intentions were to be in a safe environment. When I was in one of the group homes, had had depression and I had had all these mental health conditions happening with me that I didn't truly know. and so I had to experience, you know, my mental health in my own world. And, um, I was punished. And I got suicidal. And you know, they put me in a, a isolation room and isolation room in a dark room. And I was in a dark room for, don't know, two, three days. And then the warden or the guy that would come to us with the group, they would come see me as a group every day. And they would ask me, are you ready? You know, are you ready to open up? Are you ready to share? Are you ready to come out? And, you know, I was so hidden in darkness and depression couldn't think or process or anything. I was shut. Just shut down mentally as a young girl. And I didn't wanna be bothered. And so they left me in there in the dark. And I've wrote a story about this and I've wrote a, um, article about it, but when I had be the love of dandelions because that's what kept me alive. Um, peeking out a little window like this and seeing dandelions. And I thought to myself, um, I would see them wilt and I didn't realize the significance of what a dandelion actually was, and that's what helped me stay alive. And then I think it was the third day when I started to break I shared with them what happened. I mean, I started sharing my life and opening up to strangers and opening up to other kids. And I, But it just breaks my heart, Toni, the way you were treated. Because if somebody would've just put their arms around you as a child and showing you love and compassion instead of punishment, Yeah. it's a miracle that you survived that. But the littlest tiny thing, the, the seeing the dandelion, it reminds me of life Search Man's Search for Meaning. Um, that book, And you think a dandelion is a weed. And then I realized later that dandelions have so much significance to people, and it's a healing, it's a healing flower. It's really not a weed, you know? And some people think they're weeds, they're so, you know, let's just cut 'em down. Let's just get rid of 'em. Dandelions don't need to be in the grass. And you read up on dandelions, they like have so much purpose and powerful, um, meanings in a person's life, but also medicine and. And so I, I brought purpose to my life when I started to realize that, um, I seen that dandelion transform from being the flower to being the, um, the wilt. And then the, then they re-released and they fly away. And I realized that my life was like that. I had to let go protecting my shell and shell a shell of everything that happened to me. And then I had to agree to just start releasing everything that I held inside so long for so many years that I had to trust and I had to trust who I was sharing it with. Um, and they were strangers. They weren't strangers actually. We lived together. We were. Group home. You know, we all were there for our own purposes, and so I had to trust them with my story, most deepest, darkest pain of things that I went through and why I wanted to die. And, and so that's when I started to release who I was at that time and 13, 11 years old. And I had to make that choice to allow to trust others. But then the corporal part of, of how things were addressed in life with me was not as compassion like our Lakota people, indigenous people talk about compassion, care, love, that warmth that you talk about, that you know, that is what I did not, did not have, you Mm-hmm. it was you, you tell us what's going on with you. Or you're not coming out, You're punished. Yeah, you're punished. Punished, eventually you aged out of the, um, system, right? right? And then what happened? actually, I, um, I was placed in the foster home when I was in, um, our home parkston. I met my foster mother, Annie, and, you know, I didn't think I was gonna be picked for foster care because I was too old. I was 13. 13. Okay. And I was told that a lot of native children don't get placed because you're too old. A lot of foster parents, like younger children. And so said, if you do not get picked back up, we'll try to get, um, relative placement. so this woman, my, my mother, chose to have me as her foster child, her first foster child. And I went to her home for a visit. And when I went to her home for a visit, I didn't know what to expect. She was white and not very white, but you know, she was white and, and my view. And um, and then I went to her home, which is a really big home. It was like a mansion to me because never really had a home. And, um, and I got to meet the family and she showed me my room. I never had a room before my life, my own bed, my own to call home. And, and then, um, I got two more visits with them. And one night I got to move in is when I started to feel because. They were white. And I didn't know they really truly wanted me because I was native and I didn't feel comfortable. And I told my foster dad that I tried to take off, and him and I stood in the um, driveway and he told me, he said, you didn't even give us a chance. He's like, you don't know us. You need to learn to know who we are. Give us a chance. We love you, know, and picked you and you know, just, you know, and he did, he, he gave me love No. He, um, invited me, you know, into their life. And so there I was taking another leap. I'm gonna trust, I'm gonna trust them. And so I did. I moved in and. Then I started to find out the real story about my mother's background. They, they raised their kids in Pine Ridge by, you know, by Pine Ridge with a lot of other native kids and other native families. And she knew a lot of native language. She knew our culture. Um, and then I started to, to just trust them. And, then I started to late nights her and I would stay up hours to three, four in the morning. And I would just tell her, I was just telling her everything what I went through in life. Things that I never got to ever tell people or anybody.'cause I kept, uh, some of the things that happened to me because it was so traumatic, you know? And I got to share with her my life. And that's where I trust we built our trust. And so. And I stayed there with her till I graduated and I was 18 years old when I left. But I was so afraid to leave my environment that I didn't think I was gonna survive, um, I got 18. So I attempted suicide when I was 18. I took an overdose of pills. So even though you were living in what would be considered an accepting and loving family from 13 to 18. mm-hmm. You still wanted, I mean, I guess that depression that had been with you was maybe never treated too, Right. my foster brother that we had in the house had a knee surgery and he had pills like, um, pain pills. Mm-hmm. And I was so afraid 'cause I knew I was gonna be leaving. I knew I was gonna be turning 18. I knew I was gonna be moving out, I was gonna be graduating. I didn't know what my life was gonna be like. I was so afraid, afraid to leave this environment that loved me so much that gave me everything that I ever could have. I worked for the va. I, um, was enrolled in on the job training, um, employment when I was 13. So I worked my whole, my whole, you know, years there. I worked for the va and I, I went, you know, I was really good in school. I was telling my friends that I was really close to the kids that, um, others weren't close to, you know, because I knew that the outside is only what people perceive. know, because there's people that are hurting inside. And so I, um, was really close to, to kids that other people bullied and stuff. And so I, um, really attached to them really well and I told my mom, I know where I was gonna go or what I was gonna do and I was so afraid that night. And I think I kind of gave warning signs, but I don't think anybody really paid attention'cause everybody was so busy. And I ended up taking a whole handful of pills and, um, I ended up in the hospital and I woke up there and, um, all my high school friends were there. And they helped me. Um, the doctor was like, you need to keep her awake. You need to walk her, you need to keep walking with her. You need to, you know, keep her awake so she don't, you know, go out.'cause she might go into a coma. And they gave me the meds to help me wake up and throw up and everything At that point, Tony says her loved ones stepped in with an intervention, hoping to help her turn things around. It temporarily made a difference, but after moving to Rapid City, following high school, she began experimenting with drugs. And at first I thought it was, um, cocaine and, you know, and here I started to use more. And when I realized it was, it was meth and I got hooked on it and really well, really easy to do. I mean, meth is highly addictive. Right. And your brain had really been set up for addiction from that earlier use from ages nine to 11 or 12 or whatever right. had been set up. So when you started using meth, I would imagine it had a powerful hold on you. It, it definitely did. It's hard to explain. It's, um, your. is to escape. I mean, for me was to escape and to numb. To numb my, my reality and, you know, the fear of the future, unsure of where my path was gonna lead me. I was looking for a little bit of ex excitement and try to find my path or my journey and, you know, the depression was heavy. So whenever I started using meth, it just, it spiked up adrenaline so Sure. A dopamine hit, a huge dopamine hit. Right, I felt like I was on top of the world, like could accomplish anything I could ever want and do and need. And I, that was so wrong. It was a, it was such a f it's a falsified high. That will make you believe that it's taking to, taking you to a place you can accomplish anything in life. When, when The false reality is, is that it destroys everything in life. And know, for me, started to instantly start to realize that I was neglecting so much of who I was and, and not really having a plan to do anything. that's what brought me back to the reservation, back to the environment that I left when I was a child I thought I had changed. That environment was different. And I come back and it was the same environment. My, my mom was still there, there was still drinking, there was still dysfunction, was still the environment that I left. And because I was an adult. I just got comfortable being in that environment and I started drinking again and started doing drugs Have you lost a loved one to overdose or fentanyl poisoning? I'd like to invite you to share their story on our new Emily's Hope memorial website called More Than Just a Number. They were our children, siblings, cousins, husbands, wives, aunts, uncles, and friends. So much more than just a number. You can submit a memorial today on more than just a number.org. For the next three and a half years, Tony struggled with substance use disorder involving both drugs and alcohol. Over time, the substances she used began to change. She says she tried to ease methamphetamine withdrawal by taking prescription medication that belonged to her grandfather, but that ultimately led to an opioid addiction., I had my son and, and I'll in life, my story and what impacted my life is because one day Okay. hit me, um, my son. 1999 on his birthday on March 30th, he was three, two and a half, three years old. And he said, mom, I was drinking a lot. And he was, he said, mom, he said, can you come to my birthday party and or you're gonna be there, right mom? And I was like, yeah, I'll be there, I'll be there son. And I used to do that to my daughter. I'd tell her I would be there and then I wouldn't show up. And so I, I knew I had to be there. I just, somewhere inside of me, I heard that little voice. And that's when I woke up because that was me when I was little wanting my mom there. so woke up that day and I got ready and. Ready. And I just said, I'm gonna quit. This is it. I need to be there for my son. I need to be there for my kids. And so I woke up and I went to his birthday party, and I quit. I quit that day and I ended up going to treatment. I ended up walking into treatment after I started getting really depressed. And I knew that I needed help, and I knew that if I didn't get help, I was, I was on, I was on the verge of suicide at the time because I, you know, the withdrawals are so intense. And, um, I just, it was so hard. But I did, I walked in, I really literally drug myself through the door. I was so exhausted. I was tired, I was ready. I just, I prayed to sin prayer, I think at three o'clock in the morning. Joe Osteen on, on the radio and I didn't have, I didn't have cable or nothing, but we always get those free church channels. And so that night I heard a, I heard his gospel on the radio and I heard him say, there's someone out there suffering from addiction. There's someone out there struggling and you're needing help. And then he is like, get on your hands and knees and get on your hands and knees and pray with me wherever you're at, whatever you're doing, don't be afraid. And so I got on my hands and knees and I said to sinner's prayer, and I asked to be delivered from addiction, from and thought need. that night and the next day I went, I went into the treatment center and I asked for help In 2005, Tony entered a treatment center on the reservation in Eagle Butte, South Dakota. The program used the matrix model, a highly structured approach that combines several evidence-based therapies. The matrix was the six months outpatient, and then I did six months aftercare, and then I did six months more checking in with my counselor the relapse prevention. And then, um, I was sober for a good 18 months when, when I stopped, um, disengaging from, you know, treatment, I still kept my sessions, my individual counseling sessions. But I was a good two and a half years sober when I realized that I was, that I was feeling good about my recovery. And And having a relationship with your children yes, and then you decided to go back and become an addiction counselor yourself, which a amazing and good for you. And how hard was that to do? Um. fell into the program because they asked me to help run a grant. It was a access to recovery grant, and I ran it for two years. It was for samhsa then I was in the field of nursing to be a psychiatric nurse practitioner. And then I changed my major to social work. And then I, you know, started doing my training, training in addictions. And, um, so I already had my psychology background. And so then I took the training to be a counselor and I just slowly worked my way up. I became a trainee, became a counselor, became a integrated care, um, case manager to develop integration and behavioral health and mental health, substance abuse and mental health. then I, um, finished my bachelor's in social work, my master's in social work. And then I went on to get my LAC, so I became a licensed addictions counselor and then a peer recovery, uh, specialist. And. Then I moved on from being a counselor now from, to being the behavioral health director of Wakpa Waste Counseling, where I first originally started my treatment. treatment Wow. That is amazing. That is amazing. Considering where you came from and where you are today and everything that you've been through, what an incredible story of survival, determination, right. and recovery. I mean, that's in, that's just amazing. Resiliency. Resiliency. Thank you. Yes, you're very resilient. Right. do you think? Yeah. What do you think are the solutions for Native American people, for indigenous people to overcome this generational problem of addiction, which I think the mental health issues and the abuse issues, all of that goes hand in hand with substance use disorder, right? Like, you can't separate those things out. It's all related. So right. when, when I mentioned to you that, you know, probably 30 some years ago, I was doing a story on Pine Ridge about alcoholism, a series actually, Right. and I, I looked at how Native American people were trying to solve. Problem themselves, right? Like using their own, you can't come in. I always say, you can't be somebody coming in from the outside to truly understand this world. Right. And I really felt at the time, like it was so interesting to see how, you know, this Native American guy was using acupuncture along with some Lakota traditions. And I, I mean, I'm just wondering what you think will really help indigenous people get out of this horrible, generational, cyclical, um, these levels of, of substance abuse that, that they have experienced for decades. Many layers. There's many layers to it. I, um, I was invited to write another chapter on, um, trauma informed care in indigenous communities. And so I went and dug deep into my life, my own personal story and how I've, um, addressed my trauma and some of the healing. And some of the approaches that I've took over time. And since I was in, been in recovery, the first six years was really religious based. Um, that's how I was raised. Everything was religious for me, church based. But yet I was still searching for something deeper and a meaning and a purpose. And that's what took me back to my roots as a Lakota, um, woman, and the traditional ceremonies and practices that I've been doing for the past, um, 10, 11 years. So I've been, uh, deep into, um, soul searching and my spirit and healing my spirit. This is only the physical flesh of what we have, but inside in your spirit, there's something that's that that truly needs to be released inside and to heal, you know, from, know, attaching or, um, reattaching who you are. And so your spirit and your physical sense is all. Could always have been out here just traveling and traveling, but until you bring yourself back to who you are and finding yourself and your identity. Like, now I realize that I am a Lakota woman and that I have purpose and meaning in my life and who I am and where I'm going, and how I am a, a helper, you know, to others in this field and providing that support and that direction to them. so I've, you know, been involved with the ceremonies and the practices, and it's been the best healing that I could ever have experienced that has shown me things I had never experienced before in recovery. And, you know, it's taught me. It taught me balance, you know, it's taught me my, you know, mental health and my security of, uh, purpose. And, you know, it's really helped me be calm because inside, for many, many years, my, my, my spirit had always been so shaken and so misunderstood and sometimes, you know, struggling to be able to exist to find who I was with purpose. And so now that I am where I'm at in my life, I can see the future, I can the purpose, and I can be able to, um, get up every day and feel so good about what I can do for others and help guide others help show them that their life. Is worth it. And that they have the ability inside to make the same choices and decisions that I made and to be where I'm at today, can do the same exact thing. They just have to search inside and find that purpose and, and reconnect and heal with your spirit, I believe. And so I've, I've learned to do those things and I think it's a, it's, it's, there's so much more to it. It's hard to explain when it comes to the traditional and the cultural approach to care and healing. but that's where I'm at today and that's, that's the direction that I've chose to take. Wow. That's amazing. And I also think, wanted to ask you a little bit about prevention, because I think about these kids on the reservations and, and our Emily's Hope substance use prevention curriculum has been taught on Rosebud for the last four years. And I know many of those kids are experiencing in their homes the same things that you did. Right. E even if they're not being offered marijuana, age nine, hopefully not, but some may be. Right. And if they're not being offered substances themselves, they're seeing it. They're seeing how it's affected, impacted adults. And so I'm hoping, and then we have a teacher on Rosebud who's incorporating Lakota culture into the lessons as well, which is a beautiful thing. But what role do you think prevention can play for young Native American children? I, I, I wholeheartedly believe in prevention. Um, you know, do believe that, you know, we need to be able to build up that resilience and perseverance in these children because no matter what circumstances they come, they're coming from in the environment that they live in, they can still overcome all of that and build a greater future for themselves. Right. I do know. That we need to educate more on, you know, marijuana is just not marijuana anymore, No. And it's not for kids, you know? That's the thing. Yeah, It's not for kids. That's a whole nother story. yeah. Um, and you know, that, you know, it's, it's the harm reduction of not experiencing and not taking that first, um, you know, anything that's offered to you because those are some of my mistakes that I've, you know, tried to escape, you know, and I think we sh but nobody told you. Nobody told you, nobody, you weren't getting the message in school that these things are bad for your brain and your body. You, you didn't know. right. And I think, you know, not even once, and you know, if anything, replace it with something that is way more in life. You know, maybe going for a run. out in the middle of the, the field, you know, just meditating or, you know, sometimes just taking a breath, you know, or, or maybe journaling or writing or maybe doing some type of art or looking at what you're creative at. And for me, I'm still learning as old as I am, you know, I became a freelance writer and I just love to write, I love my stories when they, when they roll out, sometimes I pray about them first because I want them to be truly from the heart, from, from inside, so that I can touch, touch other people. And so I think, you know, and each person has a story to tell. So I want all of our youth and those listening or anybody that, you know, every person's story matters. Yes. and, and it can make impact. And the purpose of that is to help make change. And me growing up, that was one thing I told my mom is that. I, if I move back to the reservation, I wanna help make change and I wanna help make impact. I wanna make impact in someone's life so I can help them make impact in another person's life. If you can touch one. Right. It has a ripple effect. Right. It has a ripple effect in everything you're doing. You're touching lives and you have an incredibly powerful story, and I just, I wanna thank you for sharing it. With us today, And thank you for listening to this episode of Grieving Out Loud. You can check out hundreds of other episodes anytime on our website, Emily's Hope Charity. There you'll also find more information about our Emily's Hope K through 12 substance use prevention curriculum, along with staying up to date on the latest news headlines surrounding addiction, and the opioid epidemic. You can find a link to our website in the show notes. Thank you again for listening. Until next time, wishing you faith, hope, and courage. This podcast is produced by Casey Weinberg, king and Kaylee Fitz.