it just gave me a new perspective that I am worthy and I didn't deserve to have a new life and move on. Lori Keller was one of more than 49 million Americans struggling with addiction. Like so many others, it started with something that didn't seem like a problem. Casual, social drinking, but over time, alcohol quietly took over, unraveling her life and straining her relationship with her children, grandchildren, and husband. There was never a question of love between us. Never has been, never will be. Yeah, but the question of her drinking and her tearing her down and her changing her to the point where she was outta control, I couldn't, I, I, I couldn't live with that. After years of struggling in silence and trying to hide her disease, Lori finally agreed to get help. But just as she took that step, another hurdle stood in her way, the cost of addiction treatment, and that's where an Emily's Hope treatment scholarship stepped in to help. I started having different thoughts of, yeah, I am worthy. I do need to make myself better so I can be better for my children. I don't want my grandkids to be raised knowing their grandma was a drunk. It gave her life back. And our love back. In this episode of Grieving Out Loud, Dennis and Lori share their story, which millions of people can relate to Lori's battle with addiction and Dennis's experience of loving someone Through it, we talk about what they wish they would've known sooner, the fear and uncertainty along the way, and how everything changed when Lori said yes to the help she so desperately needed. Before we start this conversation, I wanna take a moment to talk to any of you who may be struggling with substance use disorder. Please know you're not alone. Many people face this disease and help is available. You can find resources on our website, Emily's Hope charity. We've placed a link in the show notes. Today's guest on the podcast is someone I met after she received an Emily's Hope Treatment Scholarship funding that helps people struggling with addiction access care at the Avera Addiction Care Center in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, Lori Keller's story began years earlier. She first started drinking at just 16 years old, hoping to fit in with friends, never imagining how deeply alcohol would eventually. Impact her life. I grew up in the Air Force and we moved back from Texas to South Dakota and it was kind of a cultural shock for me being on the Air Force bases and that kind of thing. And I just fell into a group of kids that. Uh, accepted me right off and back in the seventies it was keggers and smoking pot, and, and that's the group I fell into. Yeah. So your use started pretty young. Mm-hmm. Was it a problem for you when you were young? No. Never was a problem. Um, I had a first marriage and children. Drinking wasn't a problem. It was a social thing. Um. Later in life we divorced and I met Dennis and we, he had his own business. Alcohol was a big part of our marriage because, um, he owned his own business and we entertained a lot. So there was drinking was involved. We drank socially and entertained a lot. I, I had a very successful business and it kind of dictated, uh, having, uh, dinners and parties and entertainment and, and, uh, I didn't realize though, that she was hiding as much as she was. And it took quite a while before I really realized. What was happening? And I look back now and see that it was a bigger problem than I had been willing to admit. Was there a turning point or something that happened? Was it, or it just sort of fell into it because it was more available and around, or what was the reason, do you think I would say my drinking got outta control was in 2019. My mother died and a month later my brother died and it just took a real toll on me and my emotions and drinking just became more daily and I was hiding. And sneaky and got bad. How much were you drinking? Uh. Well, I started with like the little four packs of wine bottles and I'd go through probably six, seven of them a week hiding it. And I know he didn't know how much I was drinking and then I started doing the box wine and I'd probably go through two or three of them a month. Um, and you said it got bad. What do you mean by that? It just got outta control. I was just hung over all the time. Um, I felt like shit all the time. I lost a lot of my relationships with my children. They wouldn't let me see my grandkids. Um, a lot of my friends backed away from me and I was living in Arizona and not. And just coming back here and visiting. So it was far and few between. So when I was here, I still was drinking, but they didn't know how much I was drinking. What were you telling yourself during this time? Or what was going on in your head That nothing was wrong? I just, I don't know. I just thought I was smarter than everybody else. I was fooling everybody else. And just thought I could pull one over. But as Lori's alcohol use disorder got worse, it became harder to hide from her family. Dennis began to notice the changes and realized this wasn't just a rough patch, something was seriously wrong. We'd go out for dinner with a co, with a, with the pastor from the church and she'd have one drink, two drinks, train wreck. And I was like, no, wait a minute. We've been socially drinking for 25 years. All of a sudden now, after. Two or three drinks. Can you be just outta control? Fall down. I gotta take you home. Well, finally the blood bulb came on that well, she's hiding it. And, and, and, uh, tried to get her to stop. Tried to get her to go to, I actually did get her to go to the first treatment, which was a disaster. About five years ago, Dennis began looking into treatment options for Lori. That's when he learned just how expensive addiction treatment can be and how often insurance ends up deciding where someone can go, how long they're allowed to stay, too. A couple of factors that Dennis believes made Lori's first attempt at recovery unsuccessful. I had gotten drunk a couple nights and one of my friends called Dennis and said she's in trouble. So when I got off the airplane, he took me right downtown Phoenix dropped me off. I was livid. So mad at him and her, and. So I went and it was detoxed for about seven, 10 days. And then they sent me home on an IOP outpatient patient plan. And like I said, it was all, um, more, um, 12 steps. Just really, I didn't get any counseling, I didn't get any help with medications to get me back on track. And then about a year later is when my mom died. My brother and I just went back into my old pattern and I tried to hide it and you sent me some photos of where you were all beat up. What happened there? When was that? That would've been about five years ago, and I don't remember the night, but I remember waking up in the morning getting ready for work and my face was just a mess. Those pictures are probably a couple days later once the bruising had, so I called in sick and wore tons of makeup for weeks and. At that point, did you think, oh my gosh, this is not going well? No, I worked at a church. I was a parish nurse. Pastors were my friends. They knew my life. They. You know, but you were hiding this. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They, they knew that I drank, but they, I don't think they knew to the extent. What that tells me is, is, um, when I already know this, but, but what that tells me is this can happen to anybody. You can work in a church, you can be, you're a nurse by training. I am a nurse by training. So you can be a medical professional. It doesn't discriminate. You can be, you know. The most prestigious person and still have demons that are there and flare up, and if you don't get the help, it can ruin your life. I mean, I, I lost my marriage. I am now trying to regain trust with my children. So I can be around my grandkids. I have six grandkids, um, age six months to 22 years old. And my youngest son, who has been the driving force for most of me getting help has just been a godsend and what I've watched him go through. Him showing up and taking up the pieces and crying, and I wish I would never have had to do that to my kids. What, what I hear is some guilt and some shame. Lots of guilt. Lots of shame. But do you understand? Addiction is a disease of the brain. Yes. You understand. Are you able to give yourself some grace and some forgiveness? More so in the last year, I would say I have that I, I know I made the mistakes, but I also know there was other factors and I didn't reach out and I didn't ask for help and. Uh, now that I'm in a good place and I'm on medication for anxiety and, which I never was before, and I think that would've helped back then because you were self-medicating. Yep. Have you lost a loved one to overdose or fentanyl poisoning? I'd like to invite you to share their story on our new Emily's Hope memorial website called More Than Just a Number. They were our children, siblings, cousins, husbands, wives, aunts, uncles, and friends. So much more than just a number. You can submit a memorial today on more than just a number.org. After Lori relapsed, following that first and very brief stay in treatment, her drinking spiraled around the same time, she was also carrying deep grief after losing both her mom and her brother. In fact, grief is one of the most common reasons people turned to substances. And for Lori, the losses continued. Dennis says he never stopped loving her, but as the drinking took over, things at home became unmanageable. Eventually he felt like he had no choice but to move forward with a divorce. What does addiction do to you? To a family member? It tears your heart out. I have loved her since the day we got married before then, never stopped. Tried to stop. Tried to move away after our cabin in Wisconsin and tried to just dismiss her. Couldn't do it. It was terrible. Miserable. Uh. Till you lived through a winter alone in northwest Wisconsin, you realize what loneliness is. And when she reached out to me, I was very hesitant. I was very But you left. You left. Yes, I did. And you got divorced. So tell me why. It got to the point where she would be drinking at night and, and, and threaten to call the police. And she did call the police several times when the police come out. They look at her and can tell she's, uh, incapacitated. Well, someone has to leave. So I'd leave and it got to the point where it was every night or every other night. It'd be just then in the morning, it, it would be, oh, I'm so sorry. I won't do that again. Uh, I love you. Uh, there was never a question of love between us. Never has been, never will be. Yeah, but the question of her drinking and her tearing her down and her changing her to the point where she was outta control, I couldn't, I, I, I couldn't live with that. But it must have broken your heart to kind of have to give up on the relationship and get divorced. Yes. I, it was, it was something I felt I had to do, I didn't want to do, but I couldn't keep living like that. I couldn't keep living with every other day thinking the police are coming and I'm going, now one of us is going to, one of these times I'll be going to jail. Never got to jail'cause I was not drunk. Had a, had had I had a couple drinks. Yes. The police could tell though I was okay. So I would have to go on for the night. Come back in the morning. Following the divorce, Lori stayed in Arizona on her own and tried to rebuild her life. She went back to school to earn her phlebotomy license after letting her nursing license lapse. She was trying to get her life back on track, but no matter how hard she worked at it by herself, Lori couldn't outrun the disease without real support and treatment. My drinking was kicking up again and I. Was getting up and going to work. I was functioning and I was pretty much hung over all day long. I felt like shit all day long. Um, Jordan called one night and said, you know, mom, I just can't do this anymore. When I talked to you, I can tell you're drinking and you say you're not. The voice says, my kids have told me it's my tired voice. And so he said, mom, unless you get some help. You're not gonna be in our lives. And he said, I want you to move home. I want you to get some help. So Jordan went to the work, uh, found me a place in Brookings and he set everything up. I sold my house in Phoenix. You said Yes? I said yes. Why did you say yes? I don't know if it was still being selfish 'cause I didn't wanna be alone or. Maybe it was just time that I knew if I didn't do something, I was never suicidal that, but I don't know where I was heading and it wasn't good. So my house sold in two weeks. Jordan got me a place in Brookings. I moved, I was home. I got moved back in June, September. I had been drinking when I got back, thought I was hiding it pretty good. Um, Jordan hadn't heard from me in a couple days. He walked in, he had a key to the house, walked in. I had been s you know, drinking, I had been isolating, I wasn't eating. And he took one look at me and he said, this is it. I'm gonna call Avera and if you don't go, we're done. While Lori was willing to go, she worried about how she would afford treatment. That's when an Emily's Hope treatment scholarship stepped in and helped make it possible. If you'd like to learn more about our scholarships, visit our website, Emily's Hope dot charity. Again, we've included a link in our show notes. I had a little bit of insurance, but not a lot. And when I got there, they were, the cost to me was an issue and it shouldn't have been. And. Because I kept saying, Jordan, I can't go. I don't have the money. I don't have the time. I don't. And he just looked at me and he said, well, if you can turn around and spend this much on alcohol monthly, so you gotta make payments for 10, 20 years. And so when I got to treatment, um. Shana and some of the other girls walked through the finance financial part of it with me, and your scholarship was one of them. So I did apply and I received it, and that was very meant a lot to me. Why knowing that someone is out there willing to help, knowing that there's more to it than just. Picking up that glass that there is help and people want you to be healthy and happy. I mean, geez, she was in a kind of a financial spot and at points, even when we were divorced, I was helping her a little bit here and there. Not, not to the tune of you what, uh, IM Emily's Hope did. But trying to be there for her and encourage her. Why is it important that, that there are treatment scholarships like this there for, for your loved ones? Because it healed her and made her whole again. It gave her life back. And our love back. Are you ready to protect the next generation from the dangers of substance use? Emily's Hope has created a comprehensive K through 12 substance use prevention curriculum designed to educate, empower, and equip students with the tools they need to make healthy choices are age appropriate lessons, starting kindergarten and build through high school using science, real stories and interactive learning to help kids understand their bodies, brains, and risk of drug use. We're already reaching thousands of students across multiple states, and we're just getting started. Visit emily's hope edu.org to learn more and share our curriculum with your school administrators and counselors. At Emily's Hope, we believe prevention begins with education. Let's work together to keep our kids safe. Lori spent 28 days in inpatient treatment at the Avera Addiction Care Center. And she says it was exactly what she needed to begin turning her life around. She didn't just learn how to step away from alcohol. She finally had the chance to work on the pain and emotions that had been driving her to drink in the first place. I started having different thoughts of, yeah, I am worthy. I do need to make myself better so I can be better for my children. I don't want my grandkids to be raised knowing their grandma was a drunk. We were still talking and she would tell me about. The program and how was it affecting her and, and how good it was for her. It was a one-on-one treatment. Um, we did have classes every day where they asked you to speak out. Generally, I'm kind of. A quiet person. I don't like to be center of attention. I don't like to, but for some reason with the treatment I was getting, I was very vocal. I was standing up for myself. I was offering, um, opinions. I even got told by one girl in treatment that. It's nice you're being vocal, but you could be a little less so whatever. But I just, it just gave me a new perspective that I am worthy and I didn't deserve to have a new life and move on. And you've been in recovery for a year? A little over a year, yeah. And what has that been like for you? It's been really good. I haven't even, you know, Jordan will call. Quite often and he'll say, well, are you thinking about going and having a drink? I'm like, you know that? And in all honesty, no. That's even crossed my mind. I went hobo days. My girlfriend's from Sioux Falls here came and we went to hobo days and we were down at Rays Corner and I was very hesitant about going 'cause I thought, but you know what? I got in there and. I just watched everybody else and I thought, oh my God, that's what I look like. You know, it just, and I didn't feel a thing. While that's Lori's story, it doesn't look the same for everyone. Some people in recovery need to steer clear of certain places or situations entirely. There's no one size fits all formula. Dennis knows that relapse is always a possibility, and he says he does what he can to reduce the risk and support. Lori, And I supported her. And I, I always have, always will, and I'm happy that she's not drinking. And when I'm around, I don't drink either. Now do I like to have a cocktail? Yes, I do. Do I have one around her? I do not. Is it important to me? Yeah. It might be, but I, I'm. I'm happier with what she's accomplished and I do I need a drink to be happy about that? No, I don't need one. So I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make her safe and feel accepted. I reached out to Dennis about two years ago and he was real hesitant. Didn't wanna, and I just kept reaching out and said, you know, let's talk, let's try, let's, I said we had 30 years together and I just hated to see it gone. So we've been working on that. There was never a question of love. It's always been there. Even in the two years we were apart, never dated, never even really wanted to date just this burning desire to be close to her again, to know the person that she is and to want to be involved in her life again. And when she reached out, I was hesitant, I thought. Uh, but then we reconnected and. And it is been a really good thing, and I feel that, that she's in a good place. She, she's, I don't think she's, have had a ha a desire to drink and have another drink. I haven't seen it. And she feels good about herself. The, the program that she went through was just outstanding and. Yeah, they were interested in making her better. I think the other program was interested in getting her in and out and getting her money. This, uh, uh, treatment was all about getting her healed, getting her healthy, making her feel good about herself. And that's all you want. That's exactly what I want. Yeah, exactly. And because she is where she is now. I'm just tickled pink to be around her and be with her and be part of her life again. That's wonderful. in addition to focusing on recovery, Lori just finished Pharmacy Technician School and started a new job. She's not only been working on repairing her relationship with Dennis, but also reconnecting with her children and grandchildren. She says having those people back in her life gives her strength and helps her keep from relapsing. My two boys. They're both back in my life. I get to see my grandkids with them. My daughter, her and I are still at odds, and I think that's gonna take a long time. And those grandkids are 22 and 18, so they, they're around me. But it's, I want more. I, I want what I used to have. And I know it's gonna take a lot of work with my daughter and that breaks my heart. Mm-hmm. And why is it important that an organization like Emily's Hope even exists? The whole spectrum. You just of caring and wanting people to be succeed and not be hurting and be happy. We wanna thank Lori and Dennis for opening up and sharing their stories. I truly believe that by having honest conversations, we can help others who are struggling realize they're not alone, and that help is available. If you want more information about Emily's Hope treatment scholarships, again, find a link to our website in the show notes. There you'll also find hundreds of other grieving out loud podcast episodes, and tune in each week for a new conversation. Thanks again for listening. Until next time, wishing you faith, hope, and courage. This podcast is produced by Casey Denberg, king and Kaylee Fitz.