Angela Kennecke: 0:07

Addiction is a complex disease, one that often requires multiple attempts at recovery, even for those doing everything they can to get better. But in the midst of the struggle, a critical question remains, how do people stay alive long enough to find help? That question has become even more urgent as the drug supply grows more dangerous. Just a tiny amount of fentanyl can be deadly, making every use a potential overdose, and even when someone is ready for treatment, the system doesn't always meet them there. In many cases, it can take weeks or even months for a treatment bed to open up, leaving people in limbo at their most vulnerable moments.

Morgan Mentele: 0:50

I remember when I had my bed date, there was nine days in between my bed date, the day I got it and my actual bed date. And I was begging my friends, please just keep me alive until I can get to treatment and change my life.' Cause you knew you couldn't No, I've tried, I've tried so many times to stop and it just, you can't do it.

Angela Kennecke: 1:11

In this episode of Grieving Out Loud, I'm so grateful to Morgan Mentele for sitting down with me and opening her heart. It's not easy to talk about addiction, especially when it's something as serious as Fentanyl, but Morgan does it with such honesty and strength. She shares how she ended up on a path she never expected, how recovery finally became possible and why she and so many of her friends wouldn't be alive today without free naloxone from Emily's Hope. This is one of those conversations that sticks with you. If Emily's hope Naloxone wasn't available, how many people would have died in this group of people that you know?

Morgan Mentele: 1:50

Every single one of us.

Angela Kennecke: 1:51

How many?

Morgan Mentele: 1:54

At least 35.

Angela Kennecke: 2:07

I am Angela Kennecke your host of Grieving Out Loud, and the founder of Emily's Hope. I started the organization after losing my daughter Emily, to Fentanyl poisoning as I work to prevent other deaths and suffering. I wanna let you know if you're struggling with substance use disorder, your life matters Help is available. We have a list of helpful resources on our website, Emily's Hope Charity. There. You can also learn more about the thousands of free Naloxone kits we're distributing because sometimes one dose can mean the difference between life and death. Now let's get into this incredibly important conversation. At just 29 years old, Morgan Meley has faced more heartbreak than many people suffer in a lifetime. Her first big trial started three years ago during a time that was supposed to be filled with joy. She had a newborn in her arms and a 2-year-old by her side, but instead her life began to unravel.

Morgan Mentele: 3:12

February 13th, 2023. You know the date? Yeah, absolutely. I of the day, what happened? I filed for divorce and. I was in a really abusive marriage and when I had the courage to leave that I just was approached and he was like, Hey, I know you're really sad and I have something that will make you feel better. And it was fentanyl and the very first time I tried it, I was hooked the first time. Really? Yeah. Can you explain that to someone like me? That doesn't get it. I didn't get it either. Um. it was just like a feeling that I never felt before and it started off as just getting high to have fun and eventually it turned into getting high to just be, well, I couldn't function without it within a week. The first time I got sick was seven days after I had tried it the first time and I didn't have it. And I thought, you know, I'm just having fun. I didn't realize, I didn't realize what was coming and. The sickness was horrible. My feet were burning. My fingers were burning. I was incredibly angry. And then as soon as you take another hit, you're just perfectly fine again. And that's what started it all. And the pull of this substance on you was so strong. Yeah, it, it's crazy. My entire life changed in one day, the very first time that I ever used it. My whole life I was a model citizen. I was a Sunday school teacher, I was. A huge part of a church making waves for Jesus. And I tried it one time and that was it. And then throughout addiction, it just progressed and progressed and then all of a sudden I was just a person that I didn't even know. I couldn't even recognize myself at all. When I started using, I weighed 250 pounds when I checked myself into treatment. I weighed 144. I lost over a hundred pounds in active addiction. the power that that substance has, nothing else matters. Like the only thing that you can think about is getting it and using it and it's constant. I mean, before I ever tried drugs, I was the best mom ever. Like my children were my everything. They were super smart. They were my whole pride and joy I started using fentanyl and within a year on fentanyl, I lost custody of my children. Because I just, I had no control. The addiction completely controlled every single aspect of my life. And I remember like days and nights where I would just like cry and cry like, I hate this. Like, why is this happening to me? Like, why can't I stop it? And prior to becoming an addict myself, I didn't understand it. When my husband was an addict, I worked at Keystone because I, I wanted to get it, I wanted to understand why you can't just choose me. And our family, like, what's going on here? And I, I really didn't get it. And then once I became an addict myself, it makes total sense that addiction is a disease. It is a sickness. if I could have just snapped my fingers and stopped it, I would've it was not fun. Living in, in active fentanyl, addiction is like living in a, real life. Hell on earth. It was awful. You start doing things that are not you

Angela Kennecke: 6:27

That included getting into trouble with the law and losing custody of her son and daughter. Morgan says her first brush with legal trouble happened while her kids were in the car. She panicked when she saw flashing lights in the rear view mirror, knowing she had drugs with her and tried to avoid getting pulled over. But that decision only made things worse, leading to serious consequences.

Morgan Mentele: 6:52

obviously CPS stepped in the care of my children started going down. Also, like I used to be just super, super, like, you can't even have snot in your face kind of thing. And then like I would send 'em to daycare and pajamas and I just got really lazy and daycare started noticing and they started reaching out and I was like, oh, I'm fine. But I was not fine. I was not fine at all. Yeah. And so did you get a criminal record during this time too? I did. I caught quite a lengthy criminal record, and actually when I got charged on that charge, the judge cried. The judge was bawling when she charged me with my felonies because said you're not my average meth addicted since 14 person that sits in these chairs. She said, I can see that you went through something super traumatic two years ago that changed the course of your life forever. And I just hope that you find your way out of it because there's a future and it can be yours. And it was hard, you could tell, like I went into that thing thinking like, you know what? I did this like, so I'm gonna thug it out and I'm gonna be fine because this is who I became and I'm not gonna cry and it's gonna be fine. But when the judge is crying, sentencing you to these felonies, it really hit home

Angela Kennecke: 8:07

The judge gave Morgan a suspended sentence, meaning she didn't serve time in prison, at least not yet. She's still awaiting sentencing on two additional felony charges, but it wasn't the legal consequences that shook her up the most. It was the judge's words. They stuck with her. At the same time, Morgan was watching friends around her die from Fentanyl overdoses. She knew how dangerous the drug was. She wanted to stop. She tried, but the grip of addiction wouldn't let go. That's when she learned about the free naloxone boxes being distributed by Emily's Hope across her hometown, Sioux Falls, South Dakota boxes. That could mean the difference between life and death.

Morgan Mentele: 8:51

My drug of choice is really strong. It's like crazy strong. It's deadly. Yeah, it can be deadly and it's not like we're doing it on purpose. I've had people ask before, like. Do you just do it because, you know, Narcan is available and, and that's not it at all. Like that's not it. But I'm grateful that Narcan is available because every single person in my friend group would be dead. Right now, every single one of us has experienced an overdose.

Angela Kennecke: 9:15

If Emily's hope Naloxone wasn't available, how many people would have died in this group of people that you know?

Morgan Mentele: 9:22

Every single one of us.

Angela Kennecke: 9:23

How many?

Morgan Mentele: 9:25

At least 35. 35? Mm-hmm. I was asking some of my friends the numbers and we counted like 255 doses of Narcan I had overdosed myself nine different times before I got clean. And I remember when I had my bed date, there was nine days in between my bed date, the day I got it and my actual bed date. And I was begging my friends, please just keep me alive until I can get to treatment and change my life. Cause you knew you couldn't stop using between. No, I've tried, I've tried so many times to stop and it just, you can't do it. It just overpowers your whole brain. It's like I didn't, I didn't even think anymore of my addiction thought For me. It took control of your life. It was awful. Yes. In every aspect it took control of my life.

Angela Kennecke: 10:13

So nine times Naloxone mm-hmm. Has been used on you by friends or people around mm-hmm. And brought you back to life. Yes. You have literally have nine lives.

Morgan Mentele: 10:24

I know. I keep telling people, I'm like a cat. I'm on my ninth life. I can't, I can't mess it up. Now I am super blessed. They put in a lot of work to keeping me alive.

Angela Kennecke: 10:34

Emily's Hope currently has several Naloxone distribution boxes placed throughout Sioux Falls and across South Dakota, but we're not stopping there. And an urgent effort to turn the tide on the state's rising overdose death rate. Weaved teamed up with South Dakota Attorney General Marty Jackley, the Department of Social Services and Department of Health to distribute 20,000 Naloxone kits. Equaling 40,000 lifesaving doses across the state. You can find more information on the show notes of this episode for Morgan. These kits aren't just a good idea. They're the reason she's still here. She says, if it weren't for the Emily's Hope boxes, she and many of her friends would've lost their lives to fentanyl. 35

Morgan Mentele: 11:24

people that I know. I mean, and I know there's more.'cause I mean, I call my friends the crew, like those are just my close friends. So I know that there's more than that. But every single one of us has, been brought back with, Narcan. There's at least 35 people in this city that has been brought back and it continues to happen every day. Just yesterday, two people's lives got saved with six. different Narcan administrations it's a huge deal. it's happening all the time.

Angela Kennecke: 11:53

You know, one thing, I just wrote a blog recently 'cause I. Was saying we can't stop these Naloxone programs and that, we should make sure first responders have it. And some of the comment, you know how social media is. Mm-hmm. Some of the comments are like, just let 'em die. Mm-hmm. They should just die. When you hear or see things like that, what do you think and what do you say?

Morgan Mentele: 12:11

I actually just. Went off on that car, fentanyl, one that was on there. I have a voice and I don't know, I can't help it.'cause it's like every one of these people are a person. Nobody wants to be stuck in addiction. And sometimes people act like, If you choose to do drugs, then you're an idiot. But it's really not a choice. Maybe it's a choice the first time, but after that, I mean, I experienced it. It's not a choice that addiction controls everything and you become a person that you don't even know anymore. I'm willing to bet most of us, if not all of us don't want to be like that. It's like we're trapped and the desire of our hearts is to be sober and clean and experiencing a good life. But. we just can't do it. And so with Narcan being available, it gives people the chance to get there. If it weren't for Narcan, I would've never experienced the recovery side of it. The piece that I feel now, it's incomparable to the misery that I was experiencing every day in active addiction. It's not fun. It's not fun to wake up sick. It's not fun to spend your entire life chasing around. A drug that you know could potentially kill you. And also in addiction, sometimes you get to the point where you don't even, you don't even feel like you matter. So for there to be a program that offers Narcan, that that tells you like every life matters, like you do matter. And there is hope. There really is hope. And it really, like you can have it, it's yours if you want it, but you gotta try. And if it weren't for Narcan, then a lot of us wouldn't even be able to try to get there. Like addiction is pain. Like I would not, I would not wish that on my worst enemy in the world every day of that was awful. And seeing your friends overdosing and. Dying. Almost dying and it's awful. And now that I can like look back from another point of view, it's like I wish I could just wrap up what I have now and give it to them. And if it weren't for Narcan, I wouldn't have that. If it weren't for Narcan. Like my kids wouldn't have a mom and my mom would've had to bury her daughter. And it's just a whole domino effect. everybody deserves a chance. And a lot of us in active addiction, we don't see our worth until we make it to recovery. And in recovery, I learned like that I'm worthy of being loved and I can love myself. And I did not have that in active addiction. So if it weren't for people who loved me enough to save my life, if they would've just let me go, I wouldn't have been able to experience. All of the good that the world offers. Have you lost a loved one to overdose or fentanyl poisoning? I'd like to invite you to share their story on our new Emily's Hope memorial website called More Than Just a Number. They were our children, siblings, cousins, husbands, wives, aunts, uncles, and friends. So much more than just a number. You can submit a memorial today on more than just a number.org.

Angela Kennecke: 15:22

And you've lost friends to overdose or fentanyl poisoning?

Morgan Mentele: 15:26

Yeah, I have in November one of my best friends I've ever had died to an overdose it was too late to bring her back. So using by yourself is a huge thing that you shouldn't do, or there should be someone to watch, even if you're with someone else, if there would've been someone else to watch, then she probably wouldn't have died. But her death really opened my eyes to a lot of things after she had passed away in November. I don't know, I just kept thinking like, laugh for me until I can laugh again, laugh for me until I can laugh again. And now I feel like it's like my whole message to my crew is like. I'm laughing for you until you can laugh again, because I would like to see everybody come out of it. The death of one of your close friends is detrimental. it's huge. Three of my really close, really good friends died within, three months of each other. One in November, one in February, one in March. like thinking back, you know, it could have been every one of us, and I'm just grateful that it wasn't, I wish that we could have saved them,

Angela Kennecke: 16:42

Those losses sent Morgan spiraling into deep grief, but they also became a turning point. She says losing her friends was heartbreaking, but it was also the wake up call. She needed to seek treatment and fight for her recovery.

Morgan Mentele: 16:56

when the third one of my friends died on my daughter's birthday, that was, that was done. I went to treatment nine days later after that. I just knew that I'm playing with fire. My sister calls it Russian roulette with my life and, um. the two girls that I lost to Fentanyl overdoses were two of the happiest, most beautiful souls that I've ever known. And I just wanted to like live for them because they deserved it and they didn't get it. Right, When I did my fist step in treatment, the lady she said to me for, to said, no addict. Dies in vain for, they buy sobriety for someone else. And I so badly wish I could turn back the clock and bring my friends back, but I just can't. But I can do it for myself and hope that other people find the strength to do it for themselves too.

Angela Kennecke: 17:56

So you went into recovery, the recovery program you found to be very helpful. Mm-hmm. What keeps you in recovery

Morgan Mentele: 18:03

so. In the beginning it was, it was pretty easy, obviously, because I was in a, treatment center. Control, control environment. Yes. So that was I mean, it made it a little bit easier. But I really dug deep when I was in there and I really got to the core issues and I set some goals for myself. And when I got outta treatment, I just hit the ground running and I found. That it was easier to stay sober by focusing on new associations. I'm super involved in a 12 step program. My conscious contact with God is, is very strong and everyday God does for me what I can do for myself. Those cravings though, and the withdrawal, I mean, how have you coped with all that? The cravings are pretty powerful and I realized the other day actually like this is the rest of my life. This is the how I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life. I'm either gonna keep fighting through it or I'm gonna go backwards. But in those moments, honestly, I remember, like, I just think about the friends that I've lost and the friends that are still in active addiction and they say, you know, you're supposed to change your people places and your things. I was gonna ask you about that. And to an extent, I absolutely have done that, but I also, have a hard time just leaving my people behind because I want them to live and I want them to succeed. And I know I'm steadfast where I'm at. I'm not going backwards, but I want them to go forward and people can say whatever they want about addictions and all that, but I know that my friend group, they have huge hearts and. They don't want me to use, you know, sometimes you see them pulling you backwards. My friends, I don't even think my friends would even give it to me if I tried. They don't want me to use, in fact, they're seeing what I'm doing. Two of them have gone in to get assessments to get bed dates for treatment, and three of them have come to outside meetings with me, like just trying to get it right. And one of my friends said to me yesterday, he said, I'm so proud of you. We are seeing what you have and we want it. And it's making a huge difference. And how has your life changed since you've found sobriety? My life has changed a lot. I went from being homeless and walking the streets and just desperate for anything that made me feel alive. And now I just wake up and I'm just grateful to be alive. Just thankful for the day I have a job. I am rebuilding the bonds with my children that I lost in active addiction. Do you have a kids back? Not fully yet, but I actually just got an email today from my worker that said that they're about to start transitioning them back to me and I waited a long time for that. And there was a time in my active addiction right before I went to treatment that I wasn't even sure if I wanted to be a mom. I didn't know if I could even do it again. I really didn't know. And then, I heard this thing when I was in treatment, it said um, she didn't love her children any less, but she was controlled by a force more powerful than her motherly instinct. And I cared a lot of shame with me and I couldn't, I couldn't get out of addiction because I couldn't get outta the shame. I had to forgive myself before I was gonna experience the freedom from addiction. hearing that helped a lot because. It wasn't my fault and I didn't choose it. I absolutely didn't choose it. But just the motherly instinct and feeling the love that I have for my kids coming back. And now when I leave them, I'm crying because my heart is longing for my children and I'm just grateful to have that feeling and another chance to be their mom. Yeah, A chance that I didn't think I was gonna get and I didn't think I deserved. And then once I got clean, I realized I absolutely deserved it and I'm. Eternally grateful for the people who helped me get there. And your kids need their mom? Yeah, absolutely. My kids need their mom. I want to be their mom. I want to be there through all the things I've missed out on enough. I just want to keep growing with them. And I told my dad about this video today, and my dad was like, why aren't you scared that your kids are gonna see it someday? Or your future husband or an employer. And I said, I'm not ashamed of my addiction. I'm just grateful to be alive. I want my children to know where they came from. I want them to know that like, I fought for you Plus, I think there's a great unburdening of being honest and just having your story out there no matter what. And the people that might think or say something negative, you don't want them anyway. Mm-hmm. As one of the nation's strongest financial organizations, first Premier Bank and Premier Bank Card have the strength to do good. We support nearly 700 organizations and nonprofits. Our employees give more than 30,000 volunteer hours annually, and we are continually seeking ways to make South Dakota an even better place to live. It's the premier way, first Premier Bank and Premier Bank card.

Angela Kennecke: 23:11

We're grateful to have so many others on grieving out loud, open up about their journeys through substance use disorder. And hopefully increase awareness, decrease stigma, and provide hope to those who are struggling. That includes Nathan Smitty, also known as Narcan, Nate, who started using and then selling illicit drugs in high school. He managed to turn his life around and is now working in harm reduction in California. He too has a very personal mission. Naloxone saved his life when he was overdosing.

Nathan Smiddy: 23:45

I had an experience where I. I found my friend in a sober living. I found him overdosed in the bathroom, and there was a couple of us in there that were getting high. Again, this guy had been to prison. He was involved in a gang, so he was affiliated with people. I find him, and I didn't know what to do for one. I had always been the guy overdosing. I had never been the guy finding someone overdosing. I didn't want him to to live and go to jail and go back to prison if that was his case, but I didn't want him to die either. I know this probably sounds really horrible to the, to the majority of people, but I did not know what the right decision was to do.'cause I feel like either way it could go bad and so I almost let him die. I almost left him there, which happens a lot. Unfortunately. I call, he gets saved. And then as I found out about harm reduction later on. I reflected back and looked at that whole situation and everything that I know now wasn't being taught back then.

Angela Kennecke: 24:43

There was no Narcan in the sober living. The 9 1 1 dispatcher didn't walk me through any of the process to render aid to the guy. I didn't know about the Good Samaritan law. I didn't know about any of that. And so pretty much my motivation was just so people didn't have to have my experience just because there was no need for it to happen. Right, and you have been able. To distribute Narcan for what? The last four years?

Nathan Smiddy: 25:10

Going on Four years? Yeah. Going on four years.

Angela Kennecke: 25:12

Going on four years, yeah. How many people do you think you've given it out to? Thousands. How do you get it?

Nathan Smiddy: 25:20

The main source is through the state, uh, the Department of Healthcare. So it's a state source, but I have people that get it and it will expire and they'll give it to me and it's still good, so I just recycle it and. That's how I get it. Or I'll know people and they'll, they get both quantities of it and they'll mail it to me.

Angela Kennecke: 25:42

How do you distribute it? How do you pass it out?

Nathan Smiddy: 25:46

Either people contact us and they schedule trainings. Or I'll make announcements on social media like, Hey, I'm gonna do a Zoom training, and then you can come pick up the Narcan. Or I just do street outreach. Just go out into the streets.

Angela Kennecke: 25:59

Have you heard of it Saving lives? Does it come back to you? Lives have been saved.

Nathan Smiddy: 26:04

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely.

Angela Kennecke: 26:06

How many do you think?

Nathan Smiddy: 26:08

I want to say in the last year-ish, probably four 50 plus. Probably four 50 plus four 50 lives. Yeah.

Angela Kennecke: 26:17

Wow. That is incredible. You're like an angel out there saving lives. No. You're not an angel.

Nathan Smiddy: 26:27

No, I, I don't think I'm an angel. I just think I'm someone who's just very motivated, very passionate about this.

Angela Kennecke: 26:35

Since we talked with Narcan Nate two and a half years ago, a lot has changed. Naloxone is now available over the counter. That's a huge step forward, but there's still a catch. The price can be a big barrier for many people. I. That's why people like Nate and all of us at Emily's Hope are working hard to make sure Naloxone is truly accessible, especially for those who need it most, because saving a life shouldn't come down to whether or not someone can afford it.

Morgan Mentele: 27:03

I personally think everybody should have Narcan. I think Narcan should be in all public places. I think you should be able to access it at any time.

Angela Kennecke: 27:10

That's what we're trying to do.

Morgan Mentele: 27:11

Yeah. And you never know when you're gonna need it. I know a person who, a random runner had some Narcan on them and saved his life and it's so powerful because you're not just. Bringing back an addict who's having fun. First of all, they're not having fun. And second of all, you're giving somebody a shot at recovery. And sometimes addicts that find their way to recovery and find their way outta the darkness, change the world. you help make them not a statistic to the negative side, but of the positive side of the 2% of opiate users that find recovery. It's possible. And I think with Narcan and the chances that it offers, we could probably make that number even higher.

Angela Kennecke: 27:56

Well, there's so many young people dying. I mean, I think it's just the collateral damage of one death. You know, that's what I always talk about. It It's just not that person affects everybody around them. We're trying to end that damage, you know, and give people a chance. Mm-hmm.

Morgan Mentele: 28:10

And that, like, that's what happened to me when my best friend passed away. At first, I was like, well, I'm gonna get sober for you. And then one month went by and I lost my mind. I was completely outta control and it was, it was her death that sent me into this spiral. It kind of sent all of us into this spiral, and that's where you see the overdose numbers in South Dakota, especially here, really, really rising because. When one of your friends dies, it's like earth shattering because it changes the whole dynamic of it all. One missing piece of the puzzle. You can't put the puzzle back together the right way. And I felt that with her very, very strongly. But I wasn't capable. Yet, I don't know how to grieve. And in recovery, that's one of the hardest things for me is the grief.

Angela Kennecke: 29:06

Well, most addiction is actually rooted in grief or trauma. Mm-hmm. Grief and trauma. Mm-hmm. That's why at Emily's Hope we're committed to raising awareness about substance use disorder and the opioid epidemic. If you'd like to be part of the solution, just head to the show notes. We've included a link to our Emily's Hope website where you can learn more and get involved. While you're there, we'd be so grateful. If you take a moment to rate and review this episode, share it with your friends and family. Together we can save lives and bring hope to those who need it the most.

Morgan Mentele: 29:42

And as somebody who's been in the depths, been saved by the Emily's Hope program myself, saved my friends, I could never be more grateful for, I could never, pay it back. I can't. And in losing Emily and in losing one life, we couldn't save hers, but there's countless lives that are being saved every single day. And I just hope that it helps you to know what a difference you're making because I lost one of my friends. I lost two, I lost three. I don't wanna lose anymore. And you are making it possible every day. And I just need you to know your boxes are being empty because they're being used to get people other chances, to be a mom, to be a friend, to be a daughter. And I just really appreciate it. If I could. Save all my friends' lives that would do it, but I can't. But I can spread the word. I can spread the message, and I can show them the recovery is possible. But without Emily's hope, it would not have been, my life would've ended. And every day I'm grateful that it didn't.

Angela Kennecke: 30:54

We wanna thank Morgan for opening her heart and sharing her story. She is providing hope and healing to others. Join us again next week for a new episode of Grieving Out Loud. Until then, wishing you Faith, hope, and Courage. This podcast is produced by Casey Wonnenberg King and Marley Miller.