Angela Kennecke: 0:07

Identical twins share an extraordinary bond with the same DNA. They tend to have similar personalities, tastes, and even health traits. Their close resemblance in shared experiences can create a deep sense of understanding.

Christa Parravani: 0:23

we finished each other's sentences. For real. We, in every single picture that I've seen of us as little kids, we always have our hand on each other. There was so much love between us and, a word lessness. We didn't even need to talk to each other, just like a look. And we knew, what the other one was thinking.

Angela Kennecke: 0:40

On this episode of Grieving Out Loud, we're continuing our series on sibling loss by sitting down with Christa Parravani the author received national attention for her very first book, titled, Her A Memoir. It's a story she never intended or wanted to write. It chronicles her journey through grief and depression after losing her best friend, her forever soulmate, her identical twin sister to Fentanyl poisoning.

Christa Parravani: 1:09

We looked exactly alike. And I would look in the mirror and see my sister looking back at me, and it was very hard. To live in a body that was grieving my body, you know, at her funeral. I looked at her in the casket and it was like going to my own funeral.

Angela Kennecke: 1:31

Welcome to Grieving Out Loud. I'm your host, Angela Kennecke if you or someone you love is struggling with a mental health challenge or a substance use disorder, please seek help immediately. Your life matters and support is available. You can find a list of helpful resources on our website. Emily's Hope Charity, Well, Christa, I am so excited to talk with you. I began researching. On sibling loss because I was planning on doing a podcast with my own surviving children who lost their sister, and I know how deeply impacted they were. They were in high school, you know, really tender ages when this happened. And I came across your memoir and I was kind of obsessed about, especially about twin loss and what had happened with your sister and how early on this had happened in the fentanyl epidemic. So I, I'm so excited to talk with you.

Christa Parravani: 2:34

you for having me. I appreciate it.

Angela Kennecke: 2:36

And your book is so beautifully written. It's called Her a Memoir, and this is actually was it your first book or one of your first books? book.

Christa Parravani: 2:44

Yeah. I taught myself how to write while writing that book.

Angela Kennecke: 2:49

Because your sister, your twin sister Cara, was the writer, correct?

Christa Parravani: 2:53

she was the writer. But you know, truth be told, we both wanted to be writers, but twins are competitive. And I just let her have that and went on and had a career in visual art actually. And after she died, I started writing , the memoir, her. Yeah.

Angela Kennecke: 3:08

Well, I'm glad you did. Can we go back and talk a little bit about you and Christa and your relationship? You always think of twins as being, well, one finish as the other sentences. huh. do things together all the time. I know sets of twins. My, my son has a set of twins that are as close friends growing up and they were inseparable.

Christa Parravani: 3:28

we were inseparable. We were best friends. I have three children myself now. and so I see their sibling relationships, the fighting and the intensity and the love. But I, I, but I will say that having had an identical twin sister, my observations of my own children, thinking back to my childhood with my sister um, it's a very different relationship than just a sibling relationship. we, we were always together, having looked exactly alike, of course that perception is put on you by others, you know, at school. We finished each other's sentences. For real. We, in every single picture that I've seen of us as little kids, we always have our hand on each other. There was so much love between us and, a word lessness. We didn't even need to talk to each other, just like a look. And we knew, what the other one was thinking. Uh, We were a complete. Unit better or for worse, you know, people like to have their own identities, but you know, we shared everything and a beautiful way to grow up. It's non-conventional. I know that there are a lot of twins out there know with, especially with IVF and, and things like that, but I, identical twins are rare. And all the weird things that people assume about. Identical twins, I can say are probably true. We were exceptionally close you know, for biological reasons, for reasons of having grown up in a childhood home that was difficult., we even went to college together. She was my, she was my world.

Angela Kennecke: 5:00

Yeah. And the difficulties growing up, can you talk a little bit about those?

Christa Parravani: 5:05

Yeah, sure. my mother and my father, were in an abusive marriage. My father was an incredibly physically abusive human. abuser Of me and my sister as well. Just emotional abuse. And my mother. Remarried and ran basically with us and took us into another home that was also abusive. She married a Marine

Angela Kennecke: 5:29

Oh.

Christa Parravani: 5:30

An alcoholic and who suffered from bipolar disorder. And we had family trauma after family trauma basically. they divorced. And then we moved in with my grandmother when my mother and my stepfather divorced, and she died a year after we moved in. She got colon cancer at the age of 59. So

Angela Kennecke: 5:48

Oh my God.

Christa Parravani: 5:50

a very difficult childhood, a violent childhood one that caused us to be consistently uprooted and even at times homeless. which also probably rooted us together more. You know, , we were we had in some ways because the adults weren't doing their jobs.

Angela Kennecke: 6:08

Right. It sounds awful. And, and. I'm, I'm sorry for what? That you dealt with as a kid, you and your sister, and, you know, you don't know when you're a kid that this is not the way things should be going. You don't know that until you're an adult.

Christa Parravani: 6:21

You don't, you don't. I will say that, you know, there was a way in which the two of us, our love was so strong that I knew that that was the way childhood should go, if that makes sense. So even though

Angela Kennecke: 6:33

Yes. It, it, it does.

Christa Parravani: 6:34

there was also all of the love between us that sustained me and yeah.

Angela Kennecke: 6:39

And I think sometimes you just have to have one person to be a survivor in my case, I had a grandmother on my mother's side and a grandfather on my father's side that really were supportive of me and let me know that there were certain things in my childhood that weren't necessarily correct. And I think if you have those people, and in your case it was you and your sister had each other,

Christa Parravani: 7:00

We had each other.

Angela Kennecke: 7:01

but, your sister Cara underwent. Other trauma later that probably set her on a course that you didn't go on.

Christa Parravani: 7:09

Yeah, she did. So she had, gone to graduate school in her early twenties and was for creative writing. She was a fiction student. She was walking her dog in the woods. One afternoon in October. It was a really nice day. It was the last nice October day for those of you who live in climate. Like New England, you don't waste those days by staying inside. Uh, she was walking her dog and she was accosted by a man in the woods and she was brutally raped and held for 12 hours and was never the same after that. She was really incredibly traumatized.

Angela Kennecke: 7:51

doubt.

Christa Parravani: 7:51

yeah, that. Altered the course of her life for sure.

Angela Kennecke: 7:55

the man who kidnapped and raped Christa's sister was caught and sentenced to prison. Where Christa believes he'll likely remain for the rest of his life. But for Cara life was never the same. The trauma changed her in ways that couldn't be undone.

Christa Parravani: 8:12

She. Spiraled into a post-traumatic state and didn't wanna leave the house and was having panic attacks and not sleeping. When she did sleep, she had nightmares. And I don't blame her. Um, But what happened was she was prescribed benzodiazepines to treat her. post-traumatic symptoms. And that's what started the eventual use of heroin. Later on it wasn't immediate. She didn't, you know, get assaulted, Sure. heroin. Yeah.

Angela Kennecke: 8:47

Right. No, it never is. It's never immediate I always say people sort of graduate to heroin. In my daughter's case, it started off with marijuana and Xanax, and so it's pretty typical path that people follow. And so did you know that your sister eventually had started using heroin?

Christa Parravani: 9:04

I did know she started using heroin. Yes, I did.

Angela Kennecke: 9:09

While Christa was aware of her sister's heroin use, she says it was the one thing that began to pull them apart. That's a heartbreaking reality for many families. Substance use disorder isolates people from the ones they love the most. It's a complex disease that remains deeply misunderstood by much of society.

Christa Parravani: 9:31

Like so many people, I didn't know what to do. I feared for her life. I feared she'd overdose. I saw that there was a self-destruction. I will also say that now I, you know, I'm 47 years old. I was in my twenties then. I'm a grown up Now. My ideas of her addiction have changed at that moment in my life with her in my twenties. you know, I just wanted it to stop. I didn't understand Sure. that's not possible. You know, we sent her to rehab. We tried everything that a person could try to try to stop her use of heroin. But I understand now that she was self-medicating. And she was living in a constant unendurable pain.

Angela Kennecke: 10:16

Right. You understand it now. Your perspective's so different now. But back then I would imagine you also had some anger because you had this incredibly close relationship with your twin sister and things had changed and she wouldn't stop. And so many people, you know, we're talking what about 20 years ago, right? People had a different idea about substance use disorder. Then, and not everybody is convinced now, but people just, why? Why can't you just stop? Just stop it, right?

Christa Parravani: 10:42

Right? Yes, they do. They have all sorts of ideas about it.

Angela Kennecke: 10:46

Yeah.

Christa Parravani: 10:47

Many, you know, many, which really bother me actually, that still I think, survived today. The idea that people who use drugs are junkies and losers and layabouts and you know, my sister was a prolific writer. She was a teacher. She held up her obligations to her job. She had, you know, many degrees. She was brilliant and she used drugs. All of those things were true about her.

Angela Kennecke: 11:14

Yeah.

Christa Parravani: 11:14

There's this thing that I can't stop thinking about lately, which is that we don't have good for post-traumatic stress disorder. We don't. I'm

Angela Kennecke: 11:25

Hmm.

Christa Parravani: 11:25

a um, corps combat veteran and the VA has lots of new treatments for post-traumatic stress disorder, but for people who have. lives outside of the military. There aren't a lot of options for us. myself included, I mean, I definitely have post-traumatic stress disorder. I mean, if

Angela Kennecke: 11:44

Sure.

Christa Parravani: 11:44

it as a child. I certainly, after having survived with what my sister went through, have it now. but I see it differently. You know, I see my sister, I see a young woman who was in pain and. Was prescribed drugs to stop that pain. And because those drugs are drugs that doctors don't like to keep prescribing was taken off of those drugs and as a result sought out something else to stop the pain,

Angela Kennecke: 12:11

And whether it's physical or mental pain, pain of the mind or pain of the body. That story is so commonplace now, right? People are prescribed something It's suddenly withdrawn

Christa Parravani: 12:24

Right,

Angela Kennecke: 12:24

and they seek elsewhere. I mean, that is the story of, I can't tell you how many parents I've talked to on this podcast who tell me that same story.

Christa Parravani: 12:32

I do feel in some ways that, you know, I. The man who raped and tortured my sister, murdered her, and the pharmaceutical industry murdered her. I feel both of them are implicated in the fact that my sister is no longer here. You know, I do wonder if had my sister been kept on benzodiazepines a little bit longer. Maybe she wouldn't have used heroin. You, you know,

Angela Kennecke: 12:58

Yeah, maybe not.

Christa Parravani: 12:59

I don't know why that couldn't have happened.

Angela Kennecke: 13:01

Or given some kind of effective alternative or just, you know, not just cut off.

Christa Parravani: 13:05

know that there is an effective alternative though, to be

Angela Kennecke: 13:08

maybe there's not, we need to come up with them, right?

Christa Parravani: 13:11

I mean, really, we do need to come up with them. And I, and I do feel like those treatments are not out there. Prozac isn't doing it. You know,

Angela Kennecke: 13:19

No, it's not.

Christa Parravani: 13:20

not, We need other treatments that help people. And that treatment did help her for a time, and it was discontinued.

Angela Kennecke: 13:29

After her prescription was no longer refilled, Christa turned to the streets for heroin in 2006, long before most people ever even heard the word fentanyl. The heroin she used turned out to be laced with a deadly dose of the powerful synthetic opioid. This was almost two decades ago. So what saddens me most about this is that. This crisis that started at the time of around your sister's death and actually before that, we know about Oxycontin and the Sacklers and all of these things that fed where we are today. But the fact that this has been going on for more than two decades, it just makes me sick. that, that in 2018 my daughter had to die from this cause. That it couldn't be stopped in 2006 after your sister died. and then people continue, of course, to die and, record numbers. I just, I know it's a complicated issue. I know there's not one easy solution that some people tried to say. There is. However, I just feel like if it were any other, cause it would've been stopped by now if it didn't have something that so stigmatized as drug use. Have you lost a loved one to overdose or fentanyl poisoning? I'd like to invite you to share their story on our new Emily's Hope memorial website called More Than Just a Number. They were our children, siblings, cousins, husbands, wives, aunts, uncles, and friends. So much more than just a number. You can submit a memorial today on more than just a number.org. Christa says she faced her own deep struggles with mental health following her sister's death, but thankfully she reached out and got professional help.

Christa Parravani: 15:19

had it not been for prescription drugs after my sister died, I certainly would've died. I would've killed myself. there is no question I wouldn't be here right now

Angela Kennecke: 15:29

and I understand those feelings. Having lost a child, I get that. I get that, but I don't get it completely.'cause I'm not a twin, so I don't get your pain, but I get the idea that I don't wanna live anymore because I lost this person.

Christa Parravani: 15:40

I think you do get my frustration in terms of just the legal nightmare of drugs and the inability to solve the problem, which at this

Angela Kennecke: 15:50

Yeah.

Christa Parravani: 15:50

you know, I'm still there and I'm trying to figure out what, we can do, because. It hasn't been done. People are dying on a regular basis. And

Angela Kennecke: 16:01

Yes.

Christa Parravani: 16:01

who don't need to die. one of the things that I found out recently is that and it changed my idea of my sister too, by the way. I was diagnosed with a genetic connective tissue disease that causes the cortisol levels in your brain to not be able to deactivate.

Angela Kennecke: 16:19

Oh, how interesting.

Christa Parravani: 16:20

yeah. Yeah. it's a rare disease. I was having some medical problems. It's a very rare disease. My sister also had it, obviously because we were genetically exactly the same. one of the things that happens in that disease is that you are, unable to metabolize benzodiazepines at the rate that other people do. So you have to take more of them in order to have them be effective.

Angela Kennecke: 16:43

That's fascinating.

Christa Parravani: 16:44

my, brain exploded when I heard that. But you know what winds up happening is that anxiety is a huge symptom for people who suffer from those illnesses, and it's rare, so it's not the majority of people. But I had this conversation with my doctor because I went to him and I said, well, so I have this disease and I have cortisol levels that need to be controlled, and I know that benzodiazepines will help me sleep. And he said, well, your sister died from benzodiazepines and therefore we are not giving them to you. And I said, my sister died from a fentanyl overdose. didn't die from benzodiazepines. As a matter of fact, had you prescribed her the benzodiazepines, she probably not have died. And for me, I'm all about advocating for lessening the shame of people needing to actually use drugs that work, You know what I'm

Angela Kennecke: 17:40

Right.

Christa Parravani: 17:41

And I feel that the shame that my sister had also contributed to her seeking drugs elsewhere outside of her doctors and from dealers who wouldn't shame her and gladly take her money.

Angela Kennecke: 17:54

Yeah, sure. That makes sense. But what is I find so interesting is that you're identical twins. So you're biologically identical. And she goes down the road, of addiction and you don't, but all triggered by. event that happened to her. So I think it goes to show how precarious substance use disorder really is. Right. I mean, this could have is easily happened to you as well.

Christa Parravani: 18:18

It could have easily happened to me. I think that what happened after my sister died was that I had a mission to tell her story. I wanted to stay alive

Angela Kennecke: 18:30

Yeah.

Christa Parravani: 18:30

for the world to know who she was. I don't know that had I not had that mission. That I wouldn't have gone down that path. I mean, the trauma of losing an identical twin is enormous. I won't compare it to a, an assault. I will say I too, as a younger woman, was sexually assaulted and I didn't go down that path. the goal of writing that book kept me alive because I knew that I could bring it into a world where my sister would have a life, there was no question I was never going to use illegal drugs for that reason, because I knew that I had to keep my mind about me

Angela Kennecke: 19:07

However, as I was reading a little bit of your memoir, I thought it was so interesting you had this phenomenon that is known for twins to have if they lose another twin. I had never heard of this before, that you look in the mirror and you see your sister.

Christa Parravani: 19:24

yes,

Angela Kennecke: 19:25

Can you talk about that? Can you explain, so this is right. Immediately following her death and how it impacted you.

Christa Parravani: 19:30

looked alike. We looked exactly alike. And I would look in the mirror and see my sister looking back at me, and it was very hard. To live in a body that was grieving my body, you know, at her funeral. I looked at her in the casket and it was like going to my own funeral. As I've gotten older, it's gotten easier because I look less and less like her, obviously as I age.

Angela Kennecke: 19:58

And she's sort of frozen in time at that age. How old was she when she died?

Christa Parravani: 20:01

she died? at 28 years old.

Angela Kennecke: 20:03

Okay, so she's really frozen. Like my daughter is frozen in time at 21,

Christa Parravani: 20:07

Yeah. But it's also strange because my sister is frozen in time, but she's not, because here I am growing into the person that she

Angela Kennecke: 20:16

Hmm.

Christa Parravani: 20:16

been. And that too is a little

Angela Kennecke: 20:18

Yeah.

Christa Parravani: 20:19

And, I've experienced it in public with people who knew and loved my sister when they see me, it's a jolt, It's like, the dead has come back, but it's me.

Angela Kennecke: 20:28

Oh sure.

Christa Parravani: 20:29

we sounded like we look, our mannerisms were the same, all of that stuff. So I was dealing sort of doubly with my own body being the body that was a direct representation of hers the discomfort that I brought to other people, including my mother. and my mother has never recovered from my sister's death and she tries to be there for me. But I know that a twin, a person in the world who perceives other people looking at me in that way that my mother can't help but see me that way too. And that the sight of me reminds me of the daughter that isn't here.

Angela Kennecke: 21:10

Yeah, that's a tricky one.

Christa Parravani: 21:12

It's, I forgive her for it. I mean, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry. I really am. you know, as difficult as my mother is, as a mother myself, can't, can't imagine it. Losing a child.

Angela Kennecke: 21:27

And nor should you have to. Yeah,

Christa Parravani: 21:29

I mean, it's a different kind of loss of course. But you

Angela Kennecke: 21:32

of course.

Christa Parravani: 21:32

could imagine your daughter had an identical twin who was growing and you were seeing her grow and seeing this version of your daughter, that wasn't, it might be complicated, you know?

Angela Kennecke: 21:42

It is hard to wrap my mind around actually. And I, and I often worry about my, you know, my other children and the fact that I do all this work I focus a lot of my work. and what happened to my daughter, I worry that overshadows her other siblings and I never want that to happen. I want them to feel loved and seen and as individuals in their lives just as important. Right. But it's hard when you have this traumatic, horrible loss in your family.

Christa Parravani: 22:08

And you know, having children myself, I have. Something like that as well, you know, because what I want is to be a parent to children who are not afraid of the world. They're not afraid of what happens to them in the world, and they see me as a

Angela Kennecke: 22:23

Right.

Christa Parravani: 22:24

can love them outside of the love and loss that I have for my sister, which is hard, you know, because occasionally I'll feel so overwhelmed with love for my children that I have fear, and it's because I see that that. and that deep love, the inevitable outcome of that love is lost.

Angela Kennecke: 22:44

Right,

Christa Parravani: 22:45

of those feelings for me is incredibly difficult as a parent having lost sister, you know?

Angela Kennecke: 22:53

right. Well, ultimately, every time we love we risk loss. Right? I mean, that's just how it is.

Christa Parravani: 22:59

just how it is.

Angela Kennecke: 23:00

after losing her twin sister, Christa was consumed by grief. The emotional toll was so heavy it began to affect her physically as well.

Christa Parravani: 23:09

One thing that happened was that I was of just such deep grief that I couldn't eat. I was unable to eat and a side effect of being unable to eat was actually looking less like her. So in a way, that of eating that, I don't know if I would call it an eating disorder Exactly, because It was control, actually, it was the only control I felt I had left, which was the control over my body. And in that way, an eating disorder is a disorder of control. Uh, I starved myself down to like 85 pounds. I spent six weeks inpatient to refeed myself. I was on the brink of death. I was, you know, I, right now I weigh 120 pounds. If you can imagine me, at 85 pounds, you would be a person who is probably going to have cardiac arrest. So, that happened. I also engaged in promiscuous behavior and My body was a human napkin. It was just I wanted to, I wanted to hurt. the manifestations of my pain, of her loss were so horrific that I needed them to be in my regular life. I know that sounds, I. to many, but it was like I needed to bring them , into the real world in order to understand them. It was like I needed to inflict pain on every part of myself partially too, because I felt an immense amount of guilt, like. Why couldn't I save her? You know, I did, and we didn't talk about this yet, but I will. and I think it's important because it's one thing that many people who are trying to help their loved ones recover from addiction don't know what to do is, you know, I had many. Run-ins with my sister and drugs and saying, you have to get after them. You have to do this. You have to do this. You're killing me too. You know, please don't. And eventually I caught her shooting up in my bathroom after having three failed stints in rehab, and I asked her to leave my house and I said, until you are clean, you are not welcome in my home. she died two weeks later. And I took the hard line approach and it didn't work, and I will never forgive myself. I would do things differently now. I would.

Angela Kennecke: 25:29

Right. And I, get that completely because as Emily was acting out as a teenager, this is when the drug use started for her. I was told, you know, I had to do all these tough love things and that was the only thing that was gonna work. And I did 'em, and it was really hard. And I'm really glad toward the end of her life, the last few years I had turned that around and. I just decided how would I wanna be treated if this were me, you know, using drugs and having these issues. I would wanna be treated with love and I didn't wanna push her away anymore. I wanted to keep her in my life. And I thought that's the only way I'm ever gonna get her help so I'm really glad I did that, but I have to tell you. We have a support group of other moms. And I, , I was trained as a grief educator now, and we spent an entire session on guilt. And really what guilt is we wanna think in our minds that we could have somehow controlled the situation when we had no control. No control at all. So whether you would've kicked her out, whether you wouldn't have this, still could have happened anyway. Right?

Christa Parravani: 26:26

I mean, I've gone through the step by step, like, had I done this, she still would've gotten the

Angela Kennecke: 26:30

right.

Christa Parravani: 26:31

maybe not. How do I know that I, if I hadn't get. I mean, really though, I do feel like this tough love approach that we were taught in the nineties and early two thousands and

Angela Kennecke: 26:44

Two thousands. Yeah.

Christa Parravani: 26:45

work Love does not work. We still have dead relatives. So I'm all for compassion at this point. I do a lot of work with helping people write their grief memoirs now as a consultant.

Angela Kennecke: 26:57

Oh, that's wonderful.

Christa Parravani: 26:58

And I, Encourage them because there's still a lot of shame attached to addiction. People feel shame for their relatives who are no longer here anymore. And I just think, let's talk about and look at the reasons why this self-medication was happening and give them that love that we couldn't at that moment because we were too afraid to give it, you know.

Angela Kennecke: 27:25

And I, love it that you're helping people. I write a blog that I've written since right Upon Emily's death. And I just kind of pour my emotions out into it. And it's changed, it's been seven years, so the blog has evolved, and I think I'm gonna put that together as a book. That's my goal right now. I just haven't had time doing so many other things, but I want people to know that these feelings are normal and what it's like to lose, especially parents, but I mean siblings, whomever. I, I want, I just wanted people to know they weren't alone and I wanted to get my emotions out there so that other people could read and say, I. Oh yeah, I felt this too. I went through this too. You know, those kinds of things.'cause grief is tricky. It really is. As one of the nation's strongest financial organizations, first Premier Bank and Premier Bank Card have the strength to do good. We support nearly 700 organizations and nonprofits. Our employees give more than 30,000 volunteer hours annually, and we are continually seeking ways to make South Dakota an even better place to live. It's the premier way, first Premier Bank and Premier Bank card. Grief is never easy and there is no one size fits all path to healing. For Christa writing her memoir helped her find purpose in the pain and take steps toward healing. many authors describe writing as therapeutic, but Christa says that wasn't exactly how she felt.

Christa Parravani: 28:55

I don't advocate for memoir writing as therapy, by the way.

Angela Kennecke: 29:00

I kind of thought writing was a little bit therapeutic, but it was also painful.

Christa Parravani: 29:04

also traumatizing. It is, it's not an easy go you're reliving things that you might not be ready to relive. I was reliving them at a moment that was closer, you know, to her death than I am now. Although I don't believe that I could have written the book that I did then now my approach has changed. I've matured. It wouldn't be the raw book that it is, which I, you know. I'm really proud of it for many reasons, but one of which is I know that that book exists for young women like your daughter to pick up and read. And they do. I get lots of messages from them. They find it in the library, they find it online, and they see this and they learn from it. And it has that like raw fire that young people put down. So for that reason, I'm glad that I wrote it so close to that happening in my life. But I um, have always been a very hard worker, and I dedicated myself to the craft of writing that book. You cannot write that book and be falling apart. You have to be eating. You can't be on drugs. None of those things can happen. I mean, I did go through a terrible divorce. my ex-husband couldn't handle my grief, really? Is what it comes down to.

Angela Kennecke: 30:17

Well, that's not unusual really,

Christa Parravani: 30:20

It's not, it's not, And I actually I spent many years of my life beating myself up over that. Had you not turned yourself into a human napkin for men, had you not done this, but you know, in reality, I. plays tricks on you and it makes you want to hurt yourself. And that is what I was doing. And neither my ex-husband or I were old enough to see that that was happening. I wasn't a bad person, I was a ruined person at that moment.

Angela Kennecke: 30:47

Yeah.

Christa Parravani: 30:47

But yeah, the writing of the book helped in terms of just allowing myself the discipline to make an architecture. Which good? Book writing is that and, I finished it. I went back to school to learn how to write. I had an excellent mentor. uh, met my husband write as I was finishing the book, and we fell in love and got married and I was pregnant and I sold my book and had a baby. And it was just the trajectory of my life went very quickly and was no looking back. I had a child to take care of and a career to look after. And the book. Had a lot of success, which was amazing for a first book, and it changed my life.

Angela Kennecke: 31:33

Yeah. That is amazing. It's an amazing story and I'm so glad to hear that, you turned your life into something else that it could have gone so much differently. And it does oftentimes for twins, doesn't it? I mean, is a survival rate of when one twin loses another twin. Not very great.

Christa Parravani: 31:50

not great. there's a part of the book that says, you know, that 50% of the time twins die. And I wasn't sure about that stat and my publisher liked it a lot because it sounded like it.

Angela Kennecke: 32:02

Sounds good. Yeah.

Christa Parravani: 32:03

And I said, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I read it online in a sleepless night, and that's what it said. And so I made sure to write in that sentence that I read it online in a sleepless night. And that's what it said. But they used it. I belong to a support group for twin less twins. And lot of them are suffering. A lot of them are suffering. I don't know how many of them are dying, but they're not

Angela Kennecke: 32:27

Mm-hmm. And it is the same with parents. You know, I've seen parents who have self-medicated, who have died following the death of their child, and I've seen parents who just suffer, right. don't stop suffering no matter how much time goes by. So I think it's similar in that way. Thankfully Christa has been able to live a meaningful life after her sister's death. She's now remarried, has three children and has written another book.

Christa Parravani: 32:54

and it's a book about reproductive healthcare. It's a memoir about living in the state of West Virginia and what happens to children's healthcare after they're born in states that curtail reproductive freedom.

Angela Kennecke: 33:09

Oh, so more, your personal experience then.

Christa Parravani: 33:12

experience, but in the book, the surprise is that my son, Keats, his name is Keats, he is six years old now. Was born on the anniversary of my sister's death.

Angela Kennecke: 33:21

Oh

Christa Parravani: 33:22

Yeah.

Angela Kennecke: 33:23

wow. And do you have another book that you're working on too?

Christa Parravani: 33:26

do indeed. I'm working on a book about photography. I'm working on a novel, a work of auto fiction that combines the history of a photographer named Francesca Woodman, with my own. One thing that happened when my sister died was I abandoned my photography career. I had an international photography career. But the grief of losing my sister just caused me to change every aspect. Aspect of my life and I decided to write. So this book, this is a book dealing with the grief of losing that art. Yeah. And I teach too. Yeah.

Angela Kennecke: 33:58

What happened to your sister's writings?

Christa Parravani: 34:01

Well they're in my book. A lot of

Angela Kennecke: 34:03

Mm-hmm.

Christa Parravani: 34:03

the book, her a memoir includes so much of the writing that my sister did. Yeah.

Angela Kennecke: 34:09

Yeah, and that is a great tribute to her as well.

Christa Parravani: 34:12

Well, it was one, it was the reason I did it. I wanted her to have what she'd always wanted and worked so hard for, but hadn't lived long enough to have.

Angela Kennecke: 34:22

I a hundred percent get that because my daughter was an artist. Uh, Surrealism was what she specialized in. She was a painter and she never got to see the success of her art. And so. As part of what we do at the charity is we showcase her art. And we use her art in different ways throughout the work that we do. But we have an art show and auction where we showcase her art and auction off the work of other artists national, regional, local. And so it's a way to support the work we do, but it's also a way to have her live on through her art that she never got a chance to do. You know,

Christa Parravani: 34:56

yeah. I love that.

Angela Kennecke: 34:58

The first time I saw it up in a gallery, it was so emotional because she never got to see her art in a gallery, you know? Yeah.

Christa Parravani: 35:05

Yeah. I mean the novel that I'm working on now is about a photographer who's very famous. Her name is Francesca Woodman, and she actually died by suicide when she was 21 years old and, died without ever having seen her pictures. Succeed, and it was her death that caused her photographic career to begin. So the book has a lot to do. Of course, with my own work, given its relationship to my, you know, my sister's writing.

Angela Kennecke: 35:35

Yeah. Well, I think those books are gifts to the world. So thank you so much for, you know, talking to me today and sharing your sister's story and, and your story and I just really appreciate it.

Christa Parravani: 35:47

Thank you.

Angela Kennecke: 35:49

And thank you for listening to this episode of Grieving Out Loud. If you'd like to learn more about Christa's books, we've included links in the show notes. While you're there, we'd appreciate it if you take a moment to rate and review this episode and share it with your family and friends. Together we can raise awareness about the Fentanyl crisis and decreased stigma surrounding substance use disorder, hopefully getting more people the help they so desperately need. You'll also find links to the other episodes in our sibling loss series in the show notes. As always, you can check out the hundreds of other grieving out loud episodes on our website, Emily's Hope Charity. Thanks again for listening. Until next time, wishing you faith, hope, and courage. This podcast is produced by Casey Wonnenberg King and Marley Miller.