Angela Kennecke: 0:07

Chances are you or someone you know suffers from substance use disorder. The latest numbers from the U. S. National Survey on Drug Use and Health show that nearly 49 million Americans About 17 percent of people, 12 or older, are battling addiction. Getting help? It's not easy. First, there's the tough part, admitting there's a problem and deciding to seek help, especially with the stigma often attached to addiction. But even after that hurdle, a lot of other people face a major roadblock, figuring out how to afford the treatment they desperately need.

Melissa Carter: 0:43

I don't think if people don't understand that these options are out there for them, I think they just run the other way, just because they're like, I can't do it, I can't financially afford to do this. But that's what Emily's hope does. It gives you that hope, obviously, to be able to make yourself who you once were, who you are in God's eyes, who you're meant to be and giving you that second chance.

Angela Kennecke: 1:08

Today on Grieving Out Loud, hear from Melissa Carter, who received an Emily's Hope Treatment Scholarship The scholarship helped Melissa pay for treatment that she needed to overcome alcohol addiction. Not only is she sharing her journey, not just to raise awareness about the substance use disorder epidemic, but but also to ensure that others battling this often stigmatized disease know they are not alone. I'm Angela Kennecke your host of Grieving Out Loud. Before we dive into today's episode, I want to take a moment to speak directly to anyone listening who may be struggling with addiction. You're not alone. Help is out there. Please don't wait. You can find a list of helpful resources on our website, emilyshope. charity, and we've put a link in the show notes of this episode. Now, contrary to what you may think, out of the nearly 49 million Americans struggling with Substance Use Disorder, the majority have a job. That's according to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health. You may not even notice that they're battling the debilitating disease. For most of Melissa Carter's struggle, that was true.

Melissa Carter: 2:24

basically I went to college and I got my career started and it was in marketing and design and high school and everything. I worked hard for my grades. I was active in so many things. And I just kept pushing myself and pushing myself And so, when I started using alcohol, I never ever saw it as a problem right away. I kind of saw it more as a you know, using it in college. It was just, college kids do, you experiment with it and you do those kind of things.

Angela Kennecke: 2:54

Looking back, Melissa can see the warning signs of her drinking in college, even though she didn't realize at the time it was a problem.

Melissa Carter: 3:05

Just because I always over consumed. I never had a button that would stop. Like when I went to go and drink or go have fun with my friends or whatever, either I was completely responsible and just didn't drink. But when I did drink, I always drank to excess. I always drank to the point where I was drunk and I would get behind the wheel of a car and drive. I would go home, take showers and go to work and I maybe was intoxicated. I did work in the bars. Part of that was because I wanted to be out and about and make. easy money in college. I mean, that's where you make easy money. And so I thought, well, if I work there, I'm still in the scene, but I'm not going to drink. Well, that soon turned to your drinking when you're working. It was kind of just the lifestyle. And I didn't even realize it coming out of college that I maybe even had a problem. I would stop for periods of time. It was one of those things where I always still had my goals that I attained and I kept moving towards and then I, you know, started my career. And I remember at one point in the beginning of my career, I was meeting new people. I'd moved to Sioux Falls and I went and had a 30 day bender. I got intoxicated 30 nights in a row. And at that time I was still like, Oh, I'm young. I'm having fun and I'm still getting up and I'm working, but not realizing how now when I look back how my work was probably suffering some, but I was still young so I could get up and I could do that. Right. Even though it wasn't the best choice, I was still functioning. and doing my work.

Angela Kennecke: 4:36

In addition to working, Melissa also fell in love and got married, but even through all that, drinking remained a constant part of her life.

Melissa Carter: 4:49

We were couple that entertained, we were a couple that loved to go to Okoboji, we were a couple that always wanted to go out with friends. And I didn't really realize at that time either that it was so much of a problem. I would quit for periods of time. I would quit for months. I would quit for years when I was pregnant. I didn't ever think about it. You know, I always had these, I had bigger goals than just drinking at that time. And then it got to a point where life happened and I started making bad choices and I even expressed on a few occasions that I thought that I might start having a problem. But I never thought it would get to that point because I was educated and I knew better until it got to that point. I started drinking more hard alcohol and realizing that sometimes I was blacking out and not remembering what was happening the next morning uh, waking up on the opposite end of the bed and, you know, not even being aware of necessarily like how I got there, why I was laying in that position, what was really happening. And I remember sitting in a garage and saying, I think I might have a problem, but I'm not sure. So then when I thought that to myself, I would quit for a period of time. But every single time I started again, It just got worse. I started to drink on the job. I started carrying small bottles in my purse. I started to mix it into like, not necessarily in, but in coffee mugs so nobody could see it. When I went home, I always was like, it's happy hour. We can have a drink. I'm gonna prepare dinner and I'm gonna have a drink. You know, some days I would just have one or two, but some days it would be more than that. And then I started mixing stronger. So, what would be a normal one shot drink was often half of a glass of alcohol.. It was just like every night, and I would tell myself, you know what, I'd wake up and I'd feel horrible the next morning, and I'd be like, I'm not doing this again. I can make it through today and I'm not going to drink anymore and by noon, I was like, oh, well, maybe if I just have one, maybe if I have one. So I'd go out and I started buying small boxes of wine and I would carry them in my car. I would drink in the car all the time again, carry them in my purses into work. I had multiple hiding places in my home to the point that my daughter started finding them. I would hide them in shoes and closets. I would hide them. In my office in multiple drawers, anywhere I could put it where I didn't think people were seeing it. And as my, you know, now ex-husband was, present in that situation, he would put his alcohol somewhere else. But if I wanted to find it, I was gonna find it and I would continue to drink it.

Angela Kennecke: 7:24

In 2019, Melissa was hit with another devastating challenge, stage 3 breast cancer. She's not sure if her drinking played a role, but the World Health Organization does point to alcohol as is one of the biggest modifiable risk factors for the disease.

Melissa Carter: 7:42

when I was diagnosed with the stage 3 breast cancer, I looked at the causes. And so I had that overwhelming sense of, I did this to myself. And I stopped during that period of time. I stopped during all my treatment. I felt actually quite amazing. My life seemed to start improving. I was in devotions every single day. And that's always been a big part of my life, but I really just dove into that at that time. And I felt so good, and I'm like, well, this is a no brainer. Like, why would we not do this? you know, continue drinking if you feel good.

Angela Kennecke: 8:14

For more than half a year, as Melissa underwent chemotherapy, she didn't drink, but then COVID hit.

Melissa Carter: 8:22

And we were stuck at home. And it was one of those things where I was like, Oh, I'm just going to have a glass of wine. And that glass of wines turned into more and then eventually turned into bottles and I started to really get down on myself because I knew my lifestyle had a change and I couldn't do it, but I didn't want to stop.

Angela Kennecke: 8:40

Melissa just kept getting hit with challenge after challenge. First, it was her struggle with substance use disorder. then came cancer, then COVID. And just as she thought things couldn't get any harder, her marriage fell apart., Melissa Carter: and I still wasn't done full time so I was trying to secure a full time job to provide insurance for myself, possibly for my daughter at that time., and I was also going through surgery, so I couldn't work full time because I was going through surgery. So there was a lot of dynamics and a lot of factors of change in my life, and I simply could not cope with it. Right, so you turned to alcohol to cope.

Melissa Carter: 9:20

So I turned to alcohol to cope. But because I had done it so often and so much and was able to stop, I didn't really realize the impact that it was having on everybody around me or even myself because I thought I could stop. Because I thought I was smart enough to stop. knew the effects of alcohol. I have alcohol in my family. I had a grandfather that had it. I seen that kind of growing up. We were kept somewhat sheltered from it but I was aware of it because my dad was the one who helped take him to treatment. My dad chose not to really drink because of that, and, you know, I didn't see a lot of it in my own personal family, immediate family my parents and my brothers and stuff, but I was always just the one who was having fun, you know, just. having a good time.

Angela Kennecke: 10:05

But you definitely have that hereditary factor.

Melissa Carter: 10:07

Definitely have the hereditary factor.

Angela Kennecke: 10:08

What I find so interesting was that my grandfather started a branch of Alcoholics Anonymous back in 1950s when nobody was doing that, you know, and he helped so many people. And I always heard about my grandfather being an alcoholic. And so I know those are in my genes. But I have that something, that stop thing, where you said you didn't have it, right? Where it's different then. So I think it can be genetic., if I have a couple drinks, I'm like, okay, I'm done now. You didn't have that.

Melissa Carter: 10:34

I didn't have that. would keep going.

Angela Kennecke: 10:37

And I think that's gotta be genetic.

Melissa Carter: 10:39

I would pass out. I'd always pass out. I wouldn't be vomiting necessarily. But I'd feel so miserable the next day. Like the pounding headaches, the, foggy head, Absolute guilt and shame and not wanting to do it, but not knowing how to stop. Before I went into treatment I was to the point where mentally I couldn't handle it anymore. My relationship with my daughter had started getting pretty bad because I had expectations of what my life was supposed to be like. And my life had taken this drastic turn. it was a control thing for me. And the alcohol was something I thought I could control, right? And I couldn't control it. So, like, my life was completely out of control. My relationship with my daughter had been bad and I hadn't seen her for a period of time and I was like, How did I get to this point? And I started drinking that day and I drove around and I shut my phone off. And I had sent, before I shut my phone off, I sent a song to my closest friends and family members. Basically saying, I don't know if I can do this anymore. Which prompted everyone being afraid I was going to commit suicide. But I thought so many times that that would be the easiest way to go. I wasn't planning on doing it, but I thought, God, if you could just make it, just stop it. If you could just bring back my cancer and let me go out naturally like that. So I don't have to feel like this inside all the time.

Angela Kennecke: 12:11

Well, my heart goes out to you because to deal with cancer, to deal with the pandemic, to deal with the loss of your marriage, your marriage breaking up. and your relationship with your daughter in chaos. I mean, that is a really tough place for anybody to be. And you can understand why somebody may turn to substances to relieve the pain.

Melissa Carter: 12:36

It's all I wanted. I wanted to, I wanted to find out who I was anymore, but I didn't know who I was. I lost who I was. I wasn't a mom. I wasn't who sure where I belonged in the workforce. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life. I lost my husband. I lost my body. I really had no idea on the inside who I was anymore. And I really, looking back now, I see I lost my identity because I lost my boundaries in my life. I took so much time taking care of other people. and trying to fix other people and other problems that weren't mine that I totally forgot to take care of myself and keep my own boundaries.

Angela Kennecke: 13:57

At the peak of her drinking, Melissa says, one day really stands out. The night she broke her arm alone in her parents house.

Melissa Carter: 14:06

recently had separated was working. I had moved in with my parents, but they had went to Arizona for the winter. So I was there by myself and ended up drinking till I blacked out one night and I woke up the next morning laying on the couch. And I was like, oh, my wrist really hurts right now. I'm like, I don't know. I went into the bathroom and I looked in the mirror and my whole entire side of my face was bloody and scabbed and my wrist was bent. And I sat there and I'm like, I don't even know what happened. And then I thought about it and I'm like, I think I fell down the steps last night. They had a multi level house. And so I sent a picture to My ex and said, Hey, can you take me to the emergency room? And he's like, I'm sorry, but he goes, you look like I maybe beat you up. He's like, I can't. But I lied about what happened. I just said I misstepped. It was dark. Not used to the new house. Didn't have the, you know, nightlights on. And nobody questioned you? Nobody really questioned. He did question. And I lied. So I drove myself to to the ER Most likely still intoxicated. Lied about what happened to them. They ended up having to reset and I ended up having to have surgery and get a plate in my arm. And then I ended up being in lockdown during that time too, because my daughter had been diagnosed with COVID and I was working in healthcare, so I, because I was exposed, so I sat in a house. for essentially two weeks by myself with a broken arm, which then put me into a deeper depression and still didn't make me stop drinking. could probably drink more. Because I was sitting there and trying to numb the pain. Yeah. Knowing I did it to myself.

Angela Kennecke: 15:54

But yet you were telling me you didn't really realize you had a problem or you didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to admit it, no. What happened to make you change that?

Melissa Carter: 16:05

I had a counseling appointment with my daughter. And we had a point where I was not seeing her very much. I didn't know how to handle it anymore. The legal system got involved. I wanted them to see my point because there's always two sides to every story. But instead of handling it in a way I should have, I drank before the counseling session to calm down. And when I was in the counseling session, I voiced my concerns because I had the liquid courage to voice my concerns and it blew up. and there was crying and there was yelling and I walked out and I knew at that moment I was not going to see my daughter again that night. I went home and I drank two bottles of Windsor. I don't even remember getting the second one. I woke up in the morning and saw one sitting there and I was like, Oh, I didn't drink that much, but I feel horrible. And I looked in the garbage, and I knew at that moment, I'm like, I'm going to kill myself. So I called my friend Lindsey, and I called my friend Megan. And then I called my parents, who turned around and came back from a funeral. And I said, I can't do this anymore, and I called my pastor. And that was the first time I admitted openly admitted. that I couldn't do this on my own. That I needed to go somewhere for help.

Angela Kennecke: 17:37

Melissa turned to the Avera Addiction Care Center in Sioux Falls, South Dakota for help. They called her back the same day, and within a week she was admitted, but that wasn't the end of her troubles.

Melissa Carter: 17:51

had a secure insurance.

Angela Kennecke: 17:53

Did you have COBRA or something?

Melissa Carter: 17:54

I did have COBRA, but I hadn't activated yet because I had just lost my job two weeks before. And so I called, got myself on to Marketplace. And then I went in and I was like, I don't know how I'm going to do this. I don't know what I'm going to do. And then I had legal financial fees coming at me with lawyer fees from my custody. And I went into treatment, got everything kind of in line, and I was like, I still financially did not know how I was going to do it. I thought about leaving. I didn't think I was as bad as everybody there. And then they came at me and said that I didn't need to be, they were fighting against me from the courts to not push back a court date. They said I was faking my alcoholism. And so I thought about leaving, but I was like, I can't, I can't not put me first for once.

Angela Kennecke: 18:48

Fortunately, an Emily's Hope Treatment Scholarship came into play. The non profit, which I founded after losing my 21 year old daughter Emily to fentanyl, has provided nearly half a million dollars to help people afford treatment for substance use disorder. Some 230 recipients have ranged from teenagers to people in their 70s. If you'd like to learn more, visit the Emily's Hope website at emilyshope. charity. We've also included a link in our show notes while you're there. We'd appreciate it if you could rate and review this episode. Give us five stars and please share it with your friends and family. Your support certainly helps spread hope.

Melissa Carter: 19:32

When I went into treatment on the first day, I had asked, and I just said, here's my situation. I said, I am in a legal battle right now, I just lost my job. I have my parents, but I'm like I just at this age. I felt this extreme amount of guilt going Hey, mom and dad. I need you for this And I'm like is there any way is there any financial help just as I'm going through this stuff? that I Could use to stay here it was just an extreme amount of pressure and not knowing what the right decision was at that time to do and They said yeah, we have the scholarship And I said, how do I sign up? Like, how do I get my name on that list? And it was just that easy. They helped with paperwork. They helped get everything done. And then I found out I was awarded it during my stay there, which just made my heart just feel so much lighter and so much better.

Angela Kennecke: 20:28

What did it cover for you?

Melissa Carter: 20:30

Basically it covered the overall out of pocket expense because I was reaching a high deductible. And so I had my main out of pocket, so it just helped with that overall bill.

Angela Kennecke: 20:40

Yeah, and what did that mean for you at the time?

Melissa Carter: 20:42

It meant that I could stay. It meant that I could just take the time to focus and work hard, and just be there for myself and be there for my daughter, and kind of do that reset. Like, I don't think if people don't understand that these options are out there for them, I think they just run the other way, just because they're like, I can't do it, I can't financially afford to do this. But that's what Emily's hope does. It gives you that hope, to be able to make yourself who you once were, who you are in God's eyes, who you're meant to be and giving you that second chance.

Angela Kennecke: 21:18

For Melissa, spending a month at the Addiction Care Center was life changing, likely even life saving. It allowed her to not only turn her life around, but also rebuild a sense of purpose and repair relationships.

Melissa Carter: 21:34

It was the best decision I've ever made in my life. It gave me clarity again. It gave me an opportunity to say, you know what, I'm like everybody else. I made some bad choices. I had bad coping skills. I see the reasons why now. I had amazing counseling, just the staff there, the love and the care and the. Really desire to let you be who you are and love who you are, despite this illness. And just really understanding it was out of our control, and not having that guilt anymore.

Angela Kennecke: 22:15

Yeah, let's talk about that. What's your understanding of your substance use disorder now? And, you had cancer, that's a disease. Substance use disorder is a disease of the brain. Do you see that now? That that's what you have?

Melissa Carter: 22:28

I see it more. I always kind of knew it was a disease of the brain, but I'm finally accepting that my mind doesn't work like everybody else's mind when it comes to alcohol. You know, they say that you have these triggers afterwards, and when you're out, you know, you get out of treatment, you go back into the real world. Well, you're not like everybody else. You're, again, your mind doesn't think like everybody else. The thought of, like, it might be okay to have one drink, that doesn't work. And so it's like really working hard, continuing the counseling, and knowing that. You can't have that one drink. You can't do that drug that one time nobody that doesn't understand disease or have the disease is going to know that how that brain just has a flip. It just, it's a switch. And there's been times that it's crossed my mind, boy, I really would like to just sit out on my back patio and have a drink. Boy, I would love to have wine with dinner. But then there's that part of me that goes, it'll never stop. And I don't want to feel the shame and the guilt. And I don't want to go down and emotionally break my relationships like I did before. And go into that really dark place.

Angela Kennecke: 23:37

Yeah, you don't want to go back there.

Melissa Carter: 23:38

No.

Angela Kennecke: 23:39

So what keeps you in recovery now?

Melissa Carter: 23:41

The joy I have found. Honestly, the joy I have found. I am very conscious every day of the choices I make. I do counseling yet. I've rebuilt my relationship with my daughter. And it's been a lot of hard work. I did not even have contact with her for 7 months at all. And when I finally was able to get in front of her and say, Hon, listen, I have this problem and I know we haven't talked about it, but I went and got help. And she said, Mom, I'm so proud of you. And Everybody is very aware of my situation because I've been very open. So I have a lot of checks and balances, a lot of people just checking in. And it's fewer and fewer now that I'm, you know, a year and a half out from it. But I still have people constantly like knowing when I shut down or when I get quiet people will be like, are you okay? How are you doing? How's your day going? But I'm able to use my coping skills now. And like I said, I still do the counseling and I still have the friends that just check in for support. And I have really great peers that I met there that we talk and we have support too. That's a huge part of my recovery.

Angela Kennecke: 24:57

Melissa says her strong Christian faith also keeps her in recovery. Not only does she have a strong church community supporting her, but leading a youth group also gives her a sense of purpose.

Melissa Carter: 25:10

And that has just been a Big part of my life, and I had to take a step back when I was really in my deep use More because I was embarrassed and I was finding myself Sometimes drinking before I went there sometimes carrying it in my cup there, too And I finally just had to put a halt on it because I'm like this isn't fair to them And it really felt like a very Again, dark place in my life because I always loved doing that. It was another change I was going through. So now that I'm back and feeling good about where I'm at in life, I have, you know, rejoined and I sit on the board and it's just another way to keep me accountable and just keep God at the center of my life. And just relying on faith to kind of pull me through. And just love working with the youth. I've actually shared my story with them as well on how God really came through in this story. Like he took something that was super dark and he made it into something really, really good.

Angela Kennecke: 26:09

And why do you say that? Why do you say really, really good?

Melissa Carter: 26:14

nobody loves to tell their story of shame and of guilt. But I feel the more we keep it quiet, the more people Don't see that it's real, and it's out there, and it's every day, and it's in people that you don't expect it. I had so many people say, I would have never guessed. You seem like you always had it together. And why I put on this really great face right away, inside I was dying. I was miserable inside. But I presented really, really well until I didn't present well anymore.

Angela Kennecke: 26:49

You couldn't keep up the facade. I

Melissa Carter: 26:51

couldn't and now I don't have to keep up a facade. I can be me, and I can be like, this is what happened, but guess what? You can get help. We have the opportunity with Emily's Hope to get the help. We have people that can love you through this, and the support that's there to get through all of it. And you can help other people by sharing that.

Angela Kennecke: 27:14

And your story really is one of hope, I think.

Melissa Carter: 27:17

Completely, in multiple ways. He has a big plan for me. And I'm seeing it come through now. I don't know what that's going to look like in the long run with everything, but I find so much joy. My life has completely changed. I'm in a new career. A career that I can help people world. And I love that. I can share my story openly with anybody.

Angela Kennecke: 27:44

Yeah, why share your story?

Melissa Carter: 27:46

Because it's important for people to feel like they're not alone. They need to understand that it happens to anybody. It does not discriminate. And to give people hope. To know that you can come from down here where you don't even want to live anymore. To just coming above and just finding complete joy in your life again. I've heard more people say that to me. I can see it in your smile. I can see it in your face. I can see it in who you are now. The old Melissa's back.

Angela Kennecke: 28:19

The real one.

Melissa Carter: 28:20

Yeah. And the thought is, and I had a friend who told me this once, and this is something that I've had to really work through. She goes, put a picture of yourself up on your refrigerator. And she goes, you had some bad days and stuff. She goes, but would you be mean to that little girl? So I was myself in kindergarten up on the fridge. Would you be mean to that little girl? So don't keep beating yourself up because you made some bad choices.

Angela Kennecke: 28:47

Well, and it's not just about choices. This is your brain reacts differently to alcohol than my brain. And it is a disease of the brain. And so if you can look at it that way, you don't beat yourself up for having breast cancer. Nope. so you can't beat yourself up for having substance use disorder.

Melissa Carter: 29:07

No, and it took me a long time to get to that point. It took me even working through past for several months to even really deeply understand just the impact that it has on everyone and how it affects you differently. Like you can learn everything in that 30 days, but then you take it past that and you keep learning.

Angela Kennecke: 29:30

Keep learning. That's what we all need to do as our country faces a mental health and substance use disorder crisis. We want to thank Melissa for sharing her story, and thank you for taking the time to learn about substance use disorder. Together, we can work to reduce the stigma surrounding the disease and get more people into the treatment they need. Again, if you want to learn more about Emily's Hope or our treatment scholarships, you can find a link in our show notes. On our website, you can also find resources for getting help, the latest news on addiction and the opioid epidemic, and details about our K 12 substance use prevention curriculum. I want to thank you again for listening. Until next time, wishing you faith, hope, and courage. This podcast is produced by Casey Wonnenberg King and Marley Miller.