Angela Kennecke: 0:06

Life can feel so unfair. Maybe you've recently lost several people you love, or you're working tirelessly, but still struggling to make ends meet. And for some, those struggles start way too early. I

Brenda Reedy: 0:25

never thought I would outlive my young son, my baby.

Angela Kennecke: 0:28

it's

Brenda Reedy: 0:28

Not supposed to be that way.

Angela Kennecke: 0:30

Today on Grieving Out Loud, we're hearing from Brenda Reedy, a mom who's faced more than her fair share of heartbreak. Watching her son go through unimaginable challenges took a toll on her entire family. But Brenda didn't let that break her. Instead, she's turning her pain into a mission. Giving back and raising awareness so other kids and families don't have to face the same battles. Her story is one of resilience, love, and hope, and I can't wait for you to hear it. Do you or someone you know struggle with substance use disorder? If so, please know you're not alone. Help is available. Millions of Americans face this disease, yet far too many don't seek the support they need. Sometimes, it's the belief that they can handle it on their own. Other times, it's the heavy weight of shame and stigma holding them back. But you don't have to carry this burden by yourself. Your life is important. You matter, and recovery is possible. You can find a list of helpful resources on our website, Emily's Hope Charity. We've put a link for you in the show notes of this episode. Well, Brenda, welcome to Grieving Out Loud. You and I have had a chance to meet on a couple of different occasions. We met at one of the DEA Family Fentanyl Summits and we also met at the Prince Fentanyl event in the Cities. You came to listen to the speakers there. I was on a panel for that. So it's great to see you again.

Brenda Reedy: 2:06

Hi, nice to see you too.

Angela Kennecke: 2:08

Unfortunately, we have this thing in common. We both lost a child. My daughter was 21, your son was 20 to fentanyl poisoning. And I am so very sorry for your loss.

Brenda Reedy: 2:19

Yeah. And equally, I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. It's, it's a path nobody should take.

Angela Kennecke: 2:26

Brenda's journey with her son began when she was just Brenda's journey with her son began when he was four. She and her husband were filled with excitement as they welcomed him into their family through adoption, along with his older sister Asia, who was eight at the time.

Brenda Reedy: 2:56

There actually was a total of nine children born to woman we have two. so Jose came to us, this little four year old, pipsqueak, just the cutest little thing. And, you know, he was always just, ready for every adventure. you know, just this little four year old with bright open eyes, the big huge smile. Everybody always talks about Jose's, big smile. No matter what was happening, Jose always had a big smile.

Angela Kennecke: 3:23

And Jose had a lot happen to him in his short life, even before he was born. His birth mother drank alcohol and used cocaine during her pregnancy, leading to Jose's diagnosis of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder and alcohol related neurodevelopment disorder. These conditions would play a big role in shaping his life.

Brenda Reedy: 3:48

What that means, basically, is inside his brain, things just didn't work the same way that they work in other people's brains. But he looked very normal.

Angela Kennecke: 3:58

So sometimes with kids who have fetal alcohol syndrome, you can kind of tell in their face there's certain features that are distinct, right? And Jose didn't have any of those. But I do wonder, and I don't know what you know scientifically, are kids whose parents, because I've talked to other parents whose children were adopted and they were born addicted to a substance, and a teenager then, turned to a substance. And so, I'm wondering If, you know, the brain is set up that way and I don't know what kind of studies are out there with kids who were born with fetal alcohol syndrome, if they are more prone to substance use disorder, what do you know about that?

Brenda Reedy: 4:37

Well, with Jose, we had birth records, so we knew he was born cocaine positive. We knew when we adopted that he probably had fetal alcohol syndrome, which is why we wanted to get him diagnosed so that he could get IP and get help in school because He needed it. We were prepared with all the work that we did pre adoption that it is a possibility that if we got a child that had fetal alcohol syndrome, it was possible that he could have more challenges with chemicals as he got older.

Angela Kennecke: 5:10

More prone to substance use disorder Yeah, we just kind of sets kids up if they are exposed to the substance They have to be exposed to the substance obviously in most people are at some point in their teenage years or their lives get an opportunity to you know, to experiment with substances. And I think that these brains when they've had this , in utero and then, you know, weaning off of it as an infant are just more susceptible. Right. And I've talked to so many people about this recently, it's interesting that we're talking about it because I just did a podcast with a woman who started a special nursery for babies born addicted to drugs, especially opioids, and that's in Phoenix, and she's helped 800 babies in four years. So this is a real issue. And I also want to ask you, as an adoptive parent, Did you ever have any hesitation of adopting a child with these issues because of some of the challenges that that child could face and therefore your whole family would face?

Brenda Reedy: 6:14

I have an interesting life. I worked in the field of education for 26 years. I worked with kids that were in the system. When my husband and I figured we weren't going to have children the typical way that other people do, we kind of started looking into adoption. Through my education, I was learning all this stuff about fetal alcohol, but we, we really, pre adoption, tried to get as much information as we could, resources together, different things like that, so that if we adopted a child that had these issues, we would be prepared. as prepared as we could. Now, mind you, despite all of our, background, my husband is, senior director of services for people that have disabilities. And so, despite all our backgrounds, you know, you're never fully prepared, but I never hesitated. we went through many kids before Asia and Jose appeared and we right away just said these are the two that we want right there. That's it. There's some connection that I feel.

Angela Kennecke: 7:17

While Jose faced challenges stemming from his birth mother's substance abuse, his older sister did not. Adding to his struggles, Jose was also dealt another devastating blow. He was diagnosed with cancer at just 9 years old.

Brenda Reedy: 7:33

he was diagnosed with rhabdomyosarcoma, which is a soft tissue cancer. Went through, 24 weeks of chemotherapy., no radiation, but always had a smile on his face. even through all of that, I bet you were terrified when he was diagnosed with cancer at age nine and you think you're going to lose your child that way and he should have not made it through that cancer because it's usually very deadly in children. was a survivor. For some reason, there was something more he needed to do in life.

Angela Kennecke: 8:07

From battling cancer to coping with disorders caused by his birth mother's substance abuse, Jose's life was anything but typical. Adding to his sense of being different was growing up in Farmington, Minnesota, a predominantly white town where he often stood out as one of the few kids of color.

Brenda Reedy: 8:30

we have a target down from us. We'd go shopping. We'd walk in with him. They'd start following him. Security, we're very sure it was security, would start following him not only was Jose black, but he was six foot seven. So he was a big kid, a black kid in a very white area. And at high school, One of his, assistant principals had called him into the office for something he had done, and he basically used the word thug, which is not a term you use to a male, you don't use it to anybody really. But, uh, Jose actually got up and walked out I mean, I was glad he did that because there are other stuff he could have done. he always just like every kid. He wanted to fit in. he wanted to be like all the other kids, but he was very well aware that there was some differences, and he just wanted to be like the other kids. So we kind of started noticing right around ninth grade, he was gravitating towards people who, kind of were known in the community to not be the best influences.

Angela Kennecke: 9:39

So maybe the kids that were getting into more trouble, I never like to say bad kids, you know, because I don't think any kid is bad, but kids that are maybe more troubled themselves or they're getting into trouble.

Brenda Reedy: 9:51

Those people accepted him. You know, that group of, teenagers, accepted him. And he was the cool kid. And he was tall. And he, kind of the bodyguard, you know. Um, he was very protective. He was very much, very, very, ever since he moved in with us, always, always, always, for the underdog. If there was a kid who wasn't playing out at recess, he would include that kid. He would pull kids in. I mean, he was a phenomenal kid, but he just felt like he needed to fit in and that was where he felt he fit in.

Angela Kennecke: 10:23

Right. I think that is a story that's repeated a lot for a lot of kids and it's sad. Brenda's concerns about Jose's behavior deepened when the school called to let her know that her son had been caught smoking marijuana. And let's talk for a moment about why that's a problem. You knew that was a problem. I think kids today think and what's what's the big deal? It's just weed. We know that the brain is not fully developed. And when you introduce marijuana developing brain, you can set that brain up for substance use disorder.

Brenda Reedy: 10:56

you know, we knew that. So probably about 10th grade, I took Jose, and scheduled him for a a rule 25 assessment, which is, um, assessing for chemicals, like using drugs and stuff like that. Well, Jose was kind of clever, and he passed, or she didn't think there was an issue. I knew there was, but she didn't think there was.

Angela Kennecke: 11:20

Unfortunately, Brenda says Jose became more and more rebellious, especially during his senior year of high school.

Brenda Reedy: 11:29

Things were really spiraling out of control, between my husband and I, between Jose and us. And, you know, we just said, buddy, we got rules. We got rules. And if you don't want to follow the rules, can't be here. And. He just would always try to buck up against the rules and he actually ended up being homeless three weeks before he turned 18 for about a year. And

Angela Kennecke: 11:52

that is so hard. You don't want to put your child in that position. I remember Emily left the house because she took off at graduation and she was supposed to go to like an all night lock in at school. Instead, she took off for four days. And I couldn't have that around like my other kids, like I have younger kids and I'm like, you can't just do whatever you want. So she was out of the house and it was so hard. I mean, I didn't want that. I'm sure you didn't want it. was

Brenda Reedy: 12:20

the hardest thing I did was tell him, you know, you can have your no rules and your freedom, but you cannot do it here.

Angela Kennecke: 12:27

Right. Brenda, I don't know what the right answer is in that situation because it's so hard to do as a parent. And I was told, well, you have to give tough love. You can't allow, you know, I, I don't know what the right answer is. I have to say that following that Emily, this was when Emily was 18, like Jose was 18. She was later, I think, much more a part of our lives because I was approaching her from a standpoint of love rather than punishment. Because I was just so worried and I just knew things were not going well and she never did live in my home again because I had those rules. As far as Jose, he lived on the streets for about a year, but in December of 2019, Brenda says he showed up at their door asking for help.

Brenda Reedy: 13:15

He just said, you know, your rules are a lot easier. Life's rules. And if I can come back, I will do my part. Wow. Now, did he do his part? One of our rules was no drugs in the house. You know, he died at home. So he was obviously doing drugs at our house. But, when we had to ask him to leave, I was suicidal. I was trying to figure out ways to end my life so I could get out of the situation. I just, I couldn't deal with it anymore, and so, I knew for my sanity, I had to, I had to do it, and it was the hardest thing I did. But he came back and he was back for a while.

Angela Kennecke: 14:02

It is so hard. I don't think there are any easy answers to your situation. I don't know how anybody could stand in judgment of what you did or didn't do, because until they walked a mile in your shoes and dealing with all of this, you just make the best decisions that you can at the time with the information that you have at the time and what your heart tells you to do and, I mean, I did a lot of really hard things, Brenda, that I felt were, I just hated doing them because I thought I could snap Emily out of it, I thought I could scare her, I thought I could turn her to the right path. And once I realized none of those things were working, none of that tough love stuff was working, I was just like, for myself, I just have to keep inviting her back. Keep inviting her back. Keep trying to reach out. Keep offering a hand and that's what I did and thank god I did because she died, right? Yeah. Yeah. And if I had just been doing that, which it sounds like you were doing the tough love stuff too. I mean, it was so hard.

Brenda Reedy: 15:02

You know, we really did. Now we were fortunate in that when Jose came back, he came back in January of 2020. So we had a year and a few months with him.

Angela Kennecke: 15:11

What was Asia's his sister's reaction to everything that was going on?

Brenda Reedy: 15:16

I always tried, especially when he had cancer, I tried to make sure she didn't get forgotten. But at that point, I think my mental health was in such a place. And it was so bad that I think she got cheated. you know, I tried to be there for her. My husband tried to be there for her as best as we could. Within our capabilities at the time. but I know she, you know, she was struggling, watching her brother. do some of these things, but she didn't know what to do to help him.

Angela Kennecke: 15:48

Well, nobody did, right? I mean, nobody,

Brenda Reedy: 15:50

nobody did. And you know, I didn't even realize that there were some signs now when I look back, I say, Oh, that's why he was throwing up. That's why he was doing this. Cause he was going through withdrawals.

Angela Kennecke: 16:03

right? And Emily would be sick all the time. I have the flu. I have the flu and I'm like, what? What is going on? Do we need to go to Mayo Clinic? I even tried to get her to go to Mayo Clinic because she's complaining of headaches and throwing up. Well, she had had headaches since she was nine. But I was like, we need to go to Mayo Clinic. We need to figure this out and I never did get her there. But yeah, hindsight is 2020. Obviously for Emily, she was going through withdrawals and I didn't know that.

Brenda Reedy: 16:28

Yeah,

Angela Kennecke: 16:29

Right. No idea. I thought she was using marijuana and Xanax and I guess Xanax withdrawals can be pretty bad. I think she was using Xanax at one point.

Brenda Reedy: 16:37

I did see like the throwing up, which wasn't like him. intense sugar cravings. Like he would eat some of the most junky food. Now I realize that some of that stuff should have been our clue.

Angela Kennecke: 16:51

Despite Jose's substance use, he made great strides once he moved back into his parents' house. He graduated from high school and was pursuing vocational rehab services and was in the process of finding his own apartment.

Brenda Reedy: 17:07

We were working on getting a few different things in place for him to practice being an adult, to practice With supports, you know, and then my husband and I went on a vacation in April of 2021 and we left on a Saturday. And that Thursday we got a phone call. from the police. While we were on vacation out of the country, and we thought it was our daughter, and it was the police telling us that our son had died,

Angela Kennecke: 17:35

While police made the call, it was Jose's sister who found him dead in his bedroom. Brenda believes her son thought he was taking a Percocet. But instead, it turned out to be a deadly dose of fentanyl.

Brenda Reedy: 17:49

Asia had, done laundry, went up to give Jose his laundry and drop it off in his room, and she went in his room, and she said he just didn't look right. Oh, she found him? She found him. Yeah. and they had just spent a week together. They were watching our dogs while we were on vacation. We had just talked to them the night before. Had laughs. They were laughing. They were, I mean, it was amazing, you know, to see.

Angela Kennecke: 18:13

After Brenda and her husband got the tragic news, they scrambled to figure out how to return from their vacation in the Dominican Republic early.

Brenda Reedy: 18:25

It was not what I expected when we signed those adoption papers. we knew it was a possibility, but you never want it, you know, you never expect it. I

Angela Kennecke: 18:35

think sometimes we give ourselves too much power. We think we can make such a big difference, you know, we think we can, just help this child so much and that, you know, everything we do is going to make such a huge difference, but sometimes that's just simply not the case. Sadly, genetics and also society and the availability, you know, if these things weren't available This wouldn't have happened to him. And so it's just, it's what's out there in society. no matter how much you love them, how does one person stop the dominoes from falling? Right. I

Brenda Reedy: 19:08

mean, we tried, we tried to get him into treatment, but you know, he was very resistant and, we just weren't able to keep up and keep ahead of it and, you know, the day that his memorial happened was, May 1st of 2021 and that was the day he was actually supposed to move into his apartment, so he never got that chance.

Angela Kennecke: 19:30

No. And it only takes a tiny bit of fentanyl to take down a six seven. Almost seven feet. Six seven. Only a tiny bit of fentanyl in a pill, right? That's what he took? Tiny bit of fentanyl in a pill. Yeah.

Brenda Reedy: 19:45

And

Angela Kennecke: 19:45

how did he get that pill?

Brenda Reedy: 19:47

We now know that, that night after we talked to him on the phone, he and his sister, he went into his room. His sister went and did her thing. He contacted, um, A person he refers to as or refers to him as a friend, who is local in our neighborhood or was local. and on Snapchat, they talked about bringing up a pill to our house and, You know, we have a video camera. We caught their car on camera, and the person brought the pill and they sat out in the car and did whatever it is that they did and then, they have the cash app. They paid by cash app for the pill. They have Jose's cash app transaction between JB and, Jose and, Jose went inside. We have our camera picked him up coming inside. It's the last picture we have of him alive, they had an investigator who was going through Jose's phone, his laptop, all of the stuff they had collected. They started seeing some things in there. they got Jake  Berreth, phone, and they were able to get information off that, that connected. And there were witnesses. one of them was his sister, because she was at home. She had heard Jose say, Hey, I'm gonna go out to j B's. He's coming, and I gotta go out and I gotta go out to his car

Angela Kennecke: 21:10

Despite all of the evidence, nearly two years passed before charges were filed against Jacob Berreth known as J. B., in connection with Jose's death. At 22 years old, J. B. faced a third degree murder charge under Minnesota state law. Another year would go by before he was sentenced to 60 months in prison, though he's expected to only serve 40 months. At his sentencing hearing, Brenda had the chance to speak.

Brenda Reedy: 21:44

I just kind of said some of the good things about Jose, some of the things that we're going to miss, some of the challenges I've had since. mean, my anxiety's been off the charts and my anxiety was already bad before. And it's been a little better with the sentencing thing behind us because now we don't have things you know, always on our back Just how it's affected my life being that my son was taken from me in the way he was and you know I just said I don't want any other family to go through this Did Jacob Barrett show any remorse?

Angela Kennecke: 22:17

I

Brenda Reedy: 22:17

don't think he did has a new baby. He just had a baby in December. He got married October a year ago. Up until almost the plea, deal, he was adamant that he was not at our house. We're like, we have you on camera.

Angela Kennecke: 22:37

So he didn't step up and take responsibility and say, I'm sorry and I did this until he pled. Then he, of course, he's admitting. Yeah.

Brenda Reedy: 22:45

Yeah. I mean, he, you know, he gave kind of what I would call a very lame, speech of remorse, but I mean, he showed up to Jose's funeral and hugged me. He showed up to a memorial that his friends had at a park that they always gathered at and hugged me, but he was acting really strange, And that happened right after Jose died, the park memorial with his friends. I was suspicious of JB at that time,

Angela Kennecke: 23:12

So did this sentencing, did having someone be held accountable, even though it's fairly minimal, fairly minimal prison sentence for a life, did that help you at all, your grief?

Brenda Reedy: 23:23

it did, I mean it, comes in flashes. sometimes I'll be driving down the road, an eagle flies in front of my car, and I will, I'll start bawling. It's just kind of that symbol for some reason. But, one of my things I did remember saying in the, = impact statement that I got to say is, you know, nothing that you give him is going to bring my son back because he's not here. He won't be here. It's not possible. So, sentence that you give him is just going to be time for him to think about what he did. What he did to my son and what he did to the kids after my son and before my son, because we know of other kids that were impacted by this person, but there wasn't enough evidence

Angela Kennecke: 24:10

other deaths. You're talking about other deaths from fentanyl because of this particular dealer. We'll call him a dealer if he's selling the pills. He's responsible for other deaths, but there wasn't enough evidence to convict him. we know of four total.

Brenda Reedy: 24:24

You

Angela Kennecke: 24:24

wonder how somebody like that can live with that knowledge.

Brenda Reedy: 24:28

Yeah, well, at the hearing or at the sentencing hearing he says, Well, I was in active use. I was this. And it's like, yep, but you're calling Jose your best friend. Is that what you do to your best friend, even if you're an active addiction?

Angela Kennecke: 24:44

Well, got to understand how the addicted brain thinks about these things when I sat through 2 weeks of trial for the higher level dealers in my community that were bringing crack cocaine and heroin laced with fentanyl into my community, which ultimately killed my daughter. And I heard these people who had been in active addiction, who were later actually convicted and they were testifying against these guys. I heard them talk about, Oh, I was just getting more to help a friend out. Or I just got this to help out my friend because of that withdrawal. And you have to understand that do actually think that, you know, that they're helping someone out. But with today's drug supply and the fentanyl in it it goes way beyond just helping someone feel better and avoid withdrawal, but I think it's very hard for you and I to understand. Brenda admits her grief has made it incredibly difficult to forgive the person responsible for her son's death, But she feels like she's slowly getting closer to doing that.

Brenda Reedy: 25:48

I think it's coming. I think it's coming slowly. I don't say his name with such bitterness as I used to. And I think I used to be more bitter because he would deny he had any part in it.

Angela Kennecke: 26:01

And there are so few parents that get any kind of justice at all. You and I are unusual in that aspect. And um, We know many times the law enforcement's like well, we don't have enough evidence or sometimes they just don't care because they see it is just it was the person's fault who died for taking something and Those are some attitudes I'd like to see changed but it is so rare. But what I've always said is even though There's a conviction or someone goes to prison. It doesn't bring our child back and it doesn't heal our hurt

Brenda Reedy: 26:34

No. You know, I'm less apt to cry, but there are things that can trigger me and trigger those things. And it can be any odd thing. I mean, you know, it just happens.

Angela Kennecke: 26:48

Losing her son has been unbearable pain, but Brenda says the most healing part has been connecting with other parents who've lost children. And, working to make sure no one else has to experience a similar heartbreak.

Brenda Reedy: 27:06

I've been working very closely with some other families and moms who have been in the same, you know, situation as I've been in, they've become great friends over the last three years of mine, unfortunately, we had to meet the way we did In the club that we never wanted to belong to

Angela Kennecke: 27:22

And we can never leave. Let me just can't leave.

Brenda Reedy: 27:24

Yes, you can't leave. There's no getting out of this one just being out there so other families they're aware of what this stuff is, because I had never heard of fentanyl before in my life, illicit fentanyl before. I was familiar with doctor prescribed fentanyl, but not illicit fentanyl, so I had no idea.

Angela Kennecke: 27:44

Well, it sounds to me like you're naturally a helper. You went into a helping profession. You tried to help a couple of kids who needed a home and now you're helping others. I mean, that's just what you do, right?

Brenda Reedy: 27:57

That is what I do. I'm a helper. Sometimes it's exhausting, but someone's got to do it.

Angela Kennecke: 28:02

Sometimes you have to help yourself a little bit too and take care of yourself on this journey as well. Absolutely. The best that you can.

Brenda Reedy: 28:09

Absolutely. And that is one thing my husband and I are working very, very hard reminding each other that we need to take care of ourselves. We need to do for us, to fill our cups so that we can help.

Angela Kennecke: 28:21

Right. Right. Because if you're burned out and have nothing left, you can't help other people. And so it's very important to take care of yourself. And I just appreciate you sharing Jose with us, with our listeners. everything that you've been through. Especially, I'm sure, like after he had cancer and you're like, Oh, he's making his living and everything is great. And then, then the road takes this unexpected turn. And I guess, you know, that's truly in life we don't know. How things are going to unfold and what challenges we're going to be presented with and certainly none of us Think it's going to be the death of our child. I

Brenda Reedy: 28:58

never thought I would outlive my young son, my baby. right.

Angela Kennecke: 29:02

It's not supposed to work that way. it's

Brenda Reedy: 29:04

Not supposed to be that way.

Angela Kennecke: 29:05

Well, thank you for the advocacy work you're doing and thank you for sharing his story.

Brenda Reedy: 29:10

Yeah. And thank you for all you're doing.

Angela Kennecke: 29:12

And thank you for listening to this episode of Grieving Out Loud. Be sure to join us again next week when we hear from Melissa Carter, a woman who spent years secretly battling an alcohol addiction, too ashamed to admit she had a problem until her life began unraveling.

Melissa Carter: 29:29

I lost who I was. I wasn't a mom. I wasn't who sure where I belonged in the workforce. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life. I lost my husband. I lost my body.

Angela Kennecke: 29:44

But with help and an Emily's Hope Treatment Scholarship, Melissa found her way to recovery. Don't miss her powerful story next week on Grieving Out Loud. Thanks again for listening. Until next time, wishing you faith, hope, and courage. This podcast is produced by Casey Wonnenberg King and Marley Miller.