Kate Sloan: 0:00

The thing that I miss most is the thing that bothered me the most. He was loud. So I miss him. 30 years old, he still called me mommy. And I miss him running down the steps, just making as much noise as he possibly could on each and every step going, mommy.

Angela Kennecke: 0:29

Kate Sloan, like hundreds of thousands of others, discovered the deadly reality of fentanyl too late. Now she's sharing her son's journey, his battle with substance use disorder, and the hard earned lessons she wishes she would have known sooner.

Kate Sloan: 0:46

If I would have known the things that I know now, back then, I could have made a difference for him.

Angela Kennecke: 0:54

This is Grieving Out Loud. I'm your host, Angela Kenecke. If you or someone you know is struggling with substance use disorder, Don't wait to get help with deadly amounts of fentanyl being put into the illicit drug supply. You just don't have time to wait. You can find a list of helpful resources on our website. Emily's Hope dot charity. Kate, it's been great to get to know you a little bit here at the DEA Fentanyl Summit in Des Moines. I really appreciate your willingness to share your story with us and our listeners.

Kate Sloan: 1:35

Well, I appreciate you having me.

Angela Kennecke: 1:37

Let's just start by talking about you live in a small town, you're a business owner. Tell me a little bit about yourself

Kate Sloan: 1:43

and your background. As you said, I do live in a small town, Montgomery, Minnesota. So we are nestled between Mankato, Minnesota and New Prague, Minnesota. Thank you I grew up in New Prague, graduated, moved north.

Angela Kennecke: 2:02

After spending several years in Northern Minnesota, Kate moved back to her hometown following a divorce. Now she owns a successful cleaning business and has two children. Two sons, yes. Two sons.

Kate Sloan: 2:15

So Nathan is the oldest and then Sloane is my younger one. And Nathan lives in heaven.

Angela Kennecke: 2:32

Nathan's secret struggles began at a very young age. Kate says she's sharing her son's story to increase awareness about mental health and substance use disorder and to let others who are facing similar challenges know they're not alone.

Kate Sloan: 2:50

A lot of people can probably. Resonate with Nathan's story. So when Nathan was eight, he was sexually molested by an older boy. So Nathan did not tell me about this until he was 16 and he had already found something that was gonna help his anxiety and panic attacks.

Angela Kennecke: 3:14

That unfortunately was marijuana and alcohol. Two substances known to have a significant impact on the developing brain

Kate Sloan: 3:24

as many teenagers do. He. You know, started to act out, but his was extreme. As a parent, you try so many different things. you know, approaches to help your children. So at the time, my approach was, you know, you cannot smoke marijuana in the house. So you either live by my rules in this house or you don't live in this house. Yeah, I did some of the same stuff. And he chose not to live in the house. How old was he at that point? He was 16. Just 16. Yeah.

Angela Kennecke: 3:57

And when you say outrageous behaviors, like what do you mean?

Kate Sloan: 4:01

Well, he was. not going to school, smoking pot in the house, which we did not allow that. Just rebellious, you know, he not behaving the way that he was brought up. So sure.

Angela Kennecke: 4:14

And I understand that. And I think it's so hard as a parent because Emily was super rebellious teenager and it was almost like a switch went on one day and all of a sudden she was like a different person and she was going out with people that I didn't want her to associate with and she was experimenting with marijuana and she was Wanting to stay out all night and not come home and sneak out and all secretive secretive Mm hmm and all of those things started at about age 15 with her and it was so hard as a mom Like I took her to counselor after counselor trying to figure out what's going on with this child I don't know what the reason was none of my other kids acted that way

Kate Sloan: 4:52

Yeah.

Angela Kennecke: 4:53

I mean, if there was some kind of abuse, I know some things happened her freshman year with boys at school. I mean, I don't know if that was the reason

Kate Sloan: 5:01

why. I have no idea. Mm hmm. Yeah. Well, I mean, as individuals and especially at that age, our brains are rewiring themselves. Different kids can take things in differently and then it comes out differently in different ways. So Nathan developed extreme anxiety and panic attacks. Do you think the marijuana use contributed to that on the developing brain? Absolutely. Oh yeah, absolutely on his developing brain.

Angela Kennecke: 5:30

I think it can cause, you know, those kinds of things, especially on the developing brain, which is why it's important for our kids to know not to use those substances. But obviously, I just remember my own sense of frustration and helplessness when I was dealing with Emily during those teenage years.

Kate Sloan: 5:47

Yeah, it's very difficult, and as a parent, you know, you love your kids, and you try So many different ways to reach them and it's frustrating and then I think mother's guilt is a real thing. I think we were just born to feel guilty about, you know, I worry about my child that's still alive and he's an adult and I still worry about him and I still wonder, you know, how to approach different things with him and being a parent, you know, it's it's a hard role and especially when you are dealing with somebody that needs so much. And you don't know why this behavior is coming about. Was he able to get counseling

Angela Kennecke: 6:33

for the sexual abuse?

Kate Sloan: 6:34

Well, no, I mean, at that point he was 16 and he had started going down, you know, this road, our relationship wasn't one where he would have said, yes, mom, I would like to go to counseling.

Angela Kennecke: 6:52

And I did take Emily to counselor after counselor. I finally did find a decent counselor who she saw many times, but I don't know, obviously she still continued, you know, to use the drugs. It got worse. So now that that fixed things, even if he had gotten counseling. And at one point, Emily, when she was 18, she just took off for like four days. I said, you can't live here and do that. And so she moved out.

Kate Sloan: 7:16

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's difficult. Who knows what the right path is and what the wrong path is. You know, now I have friends that are dealing with this issue and it's, it's so difficult to watch that knowing that you don't have the right answer for them.

Angela Kennecke: 7:33

I know. I know. People always ask me for advice on how to deal with a teenager or how to deal with an adult and you can't always give the right advice because you don't know.

Kate Sloan: 7:44

I think the best advice that I finally took. was to love them and when they enter the room, make sure that your eyes light up when they enter the room.

Angela Kennecke: 7:56

Right. Because it's, I think at first when kids are displaying this kind of behavior, it's easy for us to get angry and punish. Yes. And I did that. Yes. I did that. But I am always saying I'm so grateful in the few years leading up to her death that after she was a certain age, I just started approaching her from a standpoint of love and I took all the anger out of it and that made such a difference in her keeping her close to me and keeping a relationship with her. But it's, it's hard not to just feel just freaked out or worried or angry. Yep. You know, I played

Kate Sloan: 8:27

the policeman. Yes, I did that too. And I catered to him. We were talking about how he, you know, you would live under my rules or you don't live here at all. So basically I kicked him out. Didn't mean to. I didn't want him to leave. I wanted him to say, okay. Right. I'll live under your rules. That's what I wanted

Angela Kennecke: 8:46

to.

Kate Sloan: 8:46

Yeah. So Nathan died when he was 30. It was a few years before he died where I had that attitude shift where I'm like, you know, I just, I have to just love him. I can't battle this thing. At that time, I didn't know how huge this thing that he was battling was, but I was, I just can't battle this anymore. I just need to have a relationship with him. So I'm very blessed in the fact that before he passed, we did have a really good relationship where before it was always a war.

Angela Kennecke: 9:20

Yes. And I think so many parents of rebellious teenagers, whatever the reason they're rebelling. Right. Because you're supposed to be the parent. You're supposed to get them into shape. You're supposed to scare them. You know, I, I tried to invoke the law to scare her. Right. And that didn't work.

Kate Sloan: 9:36

Nothing worked. Yes. Sometimes they come around and sometimes they don't. But what I didn't realize that I was battling was not him. It was at that point then it was his addiction.

Angela Kennecke: 9:48

Right. Yeah.

Kate Sloan: 9:49

So what started as something that he was self medicating himself with turned into an addiction. That was far stronger than I, if I look back and say, I wish, you know, I wish so many people, I wish this, I wish that, if only this, if only that, if there's one thing is I do wish that I had the knowledge that I have today of what he, what this disease was, you know, I was just waiting for him to come to his senses and say, I've had enough of this way of life. I want to change. But his disease would not let him do that.

Angela Kennecke: 10:27

And you also didn't know you didn't have time to wait for him to come to his census.

Kate Sloan: 10:31

I did not know that what's in the drugs these

Angela Kennecke: 10:35

days is lethal. And I didn't know. We were planning an intervention and I didn't know. I didn't have time, you know, just three days. I didn't have time. I didn't have those three days. So I think most of us didn't know because also when we grew up, people would maybe be kind of wild or do drugs or be rebellious, but then they probably come around at some point. It wasn't a death sentence. Right.

Kate Sloan: 11:00

You know, it's like every kid kind of will have this period of time where they sow their wild oats, right? And then you grow up.

Angela Kennecke: 11:08

Right. And our kids didn't have a chance to do that. Well, maybe the generation previous did. Despite her efforts to help her son stop abusing marijuana and alcohol, Kate says Nathan's substance use disorder only intensified. Eventually, he moved on to misusing prescription medication.

Kate Sloan: 11:45

I look back on and it's like, I think about things. And I remember there was one time, so Nathan eventually came back into the home. And there was one time where he was babysitting his younger brother and we came home and he was overdosed in his room and we couldn't, you know, what the heck brought him into the hospital. And he had, it was Sudafed. So he had been using pills. And I didn't know people were abusing prescription pills, so he got into abusing prescription pills wherever he got it, you know, friends, whatever. But I eventually found out about that. He did quit using them a few times. He detoxed himself. Now that I know what I know, how much strength it would take for somebody, how much he really did want to be clean to detox himself from this stuff, I just did not realize what a stranglehold these opiates can have over People.

Angela Kennecke: 13:06

Kate's not entirely sure how her son was getting his hands on prescription drugs, but believes he started by buying them from people he knew.

Kate Sloan: 13:16

I remember finding prescription pill bottles that, you know, were not his and nobody that I know of. So I, I believe that there's some sort of a way that. People were getting these prescriptions from grandparents or whatever and then selling them, right?

Angela Kennecke: 13:35

But when the country began cracking down on so called pill mills and over the counter prescribing of opioid painkillers Many people with opioid use disorder including Nathan turned to the streets.

Kate Sloan: 13:49

So things changed and so then Obviously he had his addiction and he needed to go out onto the street So he found an avenue.

Angela Kennecke: 14:01

Kate believes that for most of Nathan's battle with addiction, he really didn't want to be using drugs. In fact, not long before he died, Nathan checked himself into a treatment center.

Kate Sloan: 14:16

His heart was always, I wanted to get off of these. He told me that he would like to come clean. He wanted to, he didn't, he was tired of living like this. And so in 2022, he did go to treatment. So the day that he died, he was actually moving out of the house because he came home again, he was going to treatment, and then I thought we were in the clear. I thought, glad that's over, finally safe.

Angela Kennecke: 14:44

I think that's a misconception a lot of people had. Go to treatment, you get fixed. Right. Where the disease of addiction is something that, where relapse is a part of it. And people think people have failed if they relapse, but now relapse is deadly.

Kate Sloan: 14:59

Now relapse is deadly.

Angela Kennecke: 15:03

Unfortunately, Kate, like so many others, found this out the hard way. With fentanyl flooding the drug supply, experimenting with illicit drugs has never been more dangerous.

Kate Sloan: 15:19

I left for a little while to take the dogs out for a walk and to run some errands, and came home and found him in his room. And he was, he was gone.

Angela Kennecke: 15:29

You're just walking the dogs and running some errands. Yes.

Kate Sloan: 15:31

And my whole life changed. And everybody's, you know, just changed forever. So, um, we called the police. There was no measures to, I didn't know what was happening to him. I had no idea what was happening to him. And there was no life saving measures that were taken for him. And I think that's education. In a small community, I'm not sure For If the police that, you know, we called, maybe we're afraid to touch him. So you're

Angela Kennecke: 16:02

saying nobody tried Narcan?

Kate Sloan: 16:03

Nobody tried Narcan. Nobody tried to do anything. Oh my gosh. They just stood there. Oh my gosh. And, you know, whether or not he was already, I have no idea. But that just leads me to today where Nathan died in 2022. So. You know, grief is a funny thing. It takes a little while to get out of the fog of grief, but I, I think that education is just so huge. If I would have known the things that I know now, back then, I could have made a difference for him. If the policeman that we called, you know, would have been carrying Narcan.

Angela Kennecke: 16:46

I thought every police department carried Narcan in 2022, but no.

Kate Sloan: 16:50

No. Mm mm. No, they don't. I have yet to ask them about it, but it's something that I intend to do. I just, you know, like I said, grief is a funny thing. It's hard. Yeah, it's hard.

Angela Kennecke: 17:05

It's hard to bring everything up again and talk about it and talk about it to people who you think maybe failed you and your son.

Kate Sloan: 17:12

I think there was a failure there and I don't want to be blaming because I appreciate the police department. I appreciate what the police stand, you know, how they protect us. Thanks. I feel like they do care. It's just they didn't, they didn't know. They didn't know. Just like I didn't know they weren't trained. Yeah.

Angela Kennecke: 17:35

Have you lost a loved one to overdose or fentanyl poisoning? I'd like to invite you to share their story on our new Emily's Hope Memorial website called more than just a number. They were our children, siblings, cousins, husbands, wives, aunts, uncles. And friends so much more than just a number. You can submit a memorial today on more than just a number.org. Nathan's official cause of death was fentanyl and cocaine toxicity, but Kate doesn't believe he knew he was taking either one.

Kate Sloan: 18:19

There was no cocaine in his room or on him or around him. The only thing that was found in his room were those M30 pills. And that was the first I had ever heard of the word M30.

Angela Kennecke: 18:35

Illicit drug manufacturers are making counterfeit oxycodone pills stamped with M30 to resemble real oxycodone or Percocet. The danger is these fake prescription pills are usually laced with fentanyl. At

Kate Sloan: 18:53

this point, we can only speculate.

Angela Kennecke: 18:56

More than likely, the pill contained cocaine and fentanyl. Correct. Wow.

Kate Sloan: 19:01

Yes. How devastating. And it's, there has been no investigation. That was my next question. Has anyone been charged in his death? No, nobody has been charged. And I do, I kind of want to speak to that too, because if I were to go spearhead this investigation. That's what it takes for these parents. Most of these parents that are getting convictions, it's the parents that are spearheading the investigations. And for me, and I probably am speaking for other parents too, sometimes it's just too much to take on.

Angela Kennecke: 19:35

Right. You have a business to

Kate Sloan: 19:36

run. You're

Angela Kennecke: 19:37

dealing with grief. I mean, you're not an investigator.

Kate Sloan: 19:40

No.

Angela Kennecke: 19:41

I do know what you mean because I have talked to other parents on this podcast and they've had to really push to get anybody to do anything. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. And so you live in this small town. Everybody knows everybody else. Do you know who sold it to him? I don't. No, no, I don't.

Kate Sloan: 19:55

I can only speculate as

Angela Kennecke: 19:56

well. As far as you know, no investigation was conducted. No, no effort. They didn't take his phone. They did

Kate Sloan: 20:02

take his phone. I did make one phone call and they just, they told me that, you know, that this department is very busy. And you don't matter. Your son doesn't matter. Yeah. So in order for me, you know, I would have to be doing all of the grunt work to get something happening. And, you know, maybe someday I will, but it's been two years and I just wasn't strong enough. And I don't know if I will be, I don't know if that's, if that's an avenue that I will take.

Angela Kennecke: 20:29

I think you shouldn't have to be strong enough. I think there should be people to help with that people whose jobs it is. to prosecute these dealers who are selling lethal poison, poison. It's poison. And that's what's happening. And I always say, if people were walking into a bar and putting fentanyl into drinks and bars and people were dropping over dead, you bet they'd be doing an investigation then, you know, it's just because whatever drug it was, was obtained illegally, then the, then the user is stigmatized. Yes.

Kate Sloan: 21:01

And I think things, since I've been in this space. Things have been changing. There's a lot of courageous, strong people out there that are pushing for the stigma to change, for the words that we use to change, for laws to be made and laws to be changed. So there's a lot of people that are in advocacy right now, and I'm supporting them, but they are the ones that are out on the front lines, and I just respect what they're doing so much. I think it's making a difference. I think that like podcasts like yours, where we're, we're speaking about this, the stigma around. addiction, and I am guilty of it as well. You know, I was addicts were somehow weak.

Angela Kennecke: 21:48

Yes, I think that's a feeling that's out there in our society. It's very prevalent and very old fashioned. Old fashioned. Yes, but we kind of grew up with that.

Kate Sloan: 21:57

Mm hmm. Yeah. So it's like, it's all in your head. When are you just going to decide to stop? And they can't. They can't. It's a disease.

Angela Kennecke: 22:06

So you live in this smaller community. Do you feel stigmatized having lost a child in this way?

Kate Sloan: 22:13

You know what? I don't know if I'm naive, but I don't. Maybe people are looking at me in that certain way, but I'm very proud of my son and he was very proud of me. I think it's because I probably am not feeling that way myself, so I don't see it. Being treated that way.

Angela Kennecke: 22:36

No one has shunned you. No one

Kate Sloan: 22:38

has shunned me. No, not that I said

Angela Kennecke: 22:40

something rude to you or no. No, that's good. No, that's

Kate Sloan: 22:44

good. No, that's great. Yeah. I may not even recognize it if it was there because I'm self assured in myself and my son because he was dealing with a very, very strong disease. And I understand that now.

Angela Kennecke: 23:00

What

Kate Sloan: 23:00

do you miss most about Nathan? I miss the thing that I miss most is that is the thing that bothered me the most. He was loud. Heh heh. So I miss him, 30 years old, he still called me mommy. And I miss him, running down the steps, just making as much noise as he possibly could, on each and every step, going, Mommy! Only wants to show me something, or So the, the life that he brought, in his absence, I didn't realize how much space he took. And not to have that. No, that's, that space is empty. That's what I missed most. Sorry.

Angela Kennecke: 23:47

That's all right. You wouldn't be human if you didn't get emotional when you talk about these things. And I think it's important to show that emotion as well. And I think those times, those kids that are a little bit larger than life get squelched a lot in life too by society, by people, you know, told him be quiet, settle down. Don't be so big and boisterous. Emily was very boisterous. as well. Yeah. Sometimes those limiting factors also lead to I'm, I'm not okay. Yeah. You know, I'm not okay. So then I'm going to use something to feel okay.

Kate Sloan: 24:22

Yep. I remember one time he looked at me and he's like, I really want to not live this way. And I don't know what I said, but he said he was, but if I do, what am I going to do about these panic attacks? And I didn't have an answer for him. And he's like, that's what I thought. So where do they go when they're not okay? You know, where are these answers?

Angela Kennecke: 24:53

How do you get help? How do you get help? I think that is one of the toughest questions we have out there right now to answer. Often help isn't accessible. Often help isn't the right kind of help. We have 988 now, you know, you can call, but is that going to direct you to the right help that you need? Panic attacks are tough. I know there are ways. People can manage them and there are medications and things like that, but yeah, I mean, it's a tough. Mm hmm I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with all this. How is your other son doing?

Kate Sloan: 25:28

He's doing okay He's not communicative about it. So he internalized it a lot We like to be together and it helps to talk about Nathan. There's a lot of people You know, if you're around someone that has lost a brother or a child, it actually helps to say their name. We're not afraid to talk about it. It really helps. He likes to talk about Nathan, funny stories about Nathan and, you know, childhood memories and things like that. But the way that he's working through this, you know, I'm not sure. He was there in the house when this all happened.

Angela Kennecke: 26:12

So he experienced a lot of trauma. He experienced

Kate Sloan: 26:15

a lot of trauma as well. And I think because he is the type of person that he is, he's very much an introvert, that he's just internalizing it. And I feel that it will. Manifest, you know, it will come out later on in his life, but he's working through it quietly. Right. Because if we don't

Angela Kennecke: 26:33

address our grief, if we don't feel our feelings and our emotions, they become old wounds that come out the next time you get wounded. Exactly.

Kate Sloan: 26:42

Mm hmm.

Angela Kennecke: 26:43

So you worry about that. You worry about your other kids and because this, I always say that these deaths affect so many people. Yeah. It's not just the, the mother and the father. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. It's everybody who knew them and

Kate Sloan: 26:56

yeah,

Angela Kennecke: 26:59

well, thank you for the support that you're giving to all these advocacy groups and the way that you're getting involved and for sharing Nathan's story as well. Well, thank you so much for giving me

Kate Sloan: 27:10

a voice to do so. Happy to do it.

Angela Kennecke: 27:16

Thank you for listening to this episode of grieving out loud. If you have an idea for a podcast episode, we would love to hear from you. You can find my contact information in the show notes of this episode. While you're there, we'd appreciate it if you took a moment to rate and review this podcast. It really does help us increase awareness about the nation's fentanyl epidemic and spread our mission while decreasing the stigma surrounding substance use disorder. Share it with everyone you know. Thanks again for listening. Until next time, wishing you faith, hope, and courage. This podcast is produced by KC Wannenberg King. And Kaylee Fitz.