ESPN Anchor: 0:00

And Lauren Sisler on the sideline. You know, we refer to Lauren as the sideline shimmy. This is why. Yeah, because she shimmies all the time. Before every game. Yeah. This is her routine.

Angela Kennecke: 0:19

She's known for her sideline shimmy. Sports broadcaster Lauren Sisler works as an ESPN sideline reporter for both college football and gymnastics. She's

ESPN Anchor: 0:31

going to get her shimmy on. That's right. She's going to get

Angela Kennecke: 0:33

her shimmy on. That's right. But behind the camera, Lauren hid a family secret for a decade. Both of her parents struggled with opioid use disorder after being prescribed painkillers by doctors. A disease that ultimately claimed her mother's life and then, just five hours later, her father's.

Lauren Sisler: 0:55

We're driving to the house, we're gonna see dad. And that's all I could think about. And as we start driving out to the exit of the airport, I finally just worked up the courage and I said, Uncle Mike, I said, I just want to see my dad. Where's my dad? And he had to pull the car over and tell me that my dad had passed away too.

Angela Kennecke: 1:12

Do you or someone you know suffer from substance use disorder? Help is available. Please don't wait. You can check out a list of helpful resources on our website, emilyshope. charity. We've posted a link in the show notes of this podcast. Now, let's dive into this powerful episode of Grieving Out Loud. I'm your host, Angela Kenecke, and today's story is one that you won't want to miss. It's a deeply personal journey that sheds light on the struggles and resilience behind the headlines. Lauren, welcome to grieving out loud. It is just a pleasure to be able to speak with you. I always say I am so sorry to meet people who have experienced. something similar to what I've experienced, but I'm always so grateful to know you.

Lauren Sisler: 2:05

No. Well, thank you, Angela. It's so great to be on and just thank you for the great work that you're doing. Like you said, when we meet together under these circumstances, it can be both difficult, but also it is so wonderful to see people joining hands. to really make a difference and to, you know, do it in honor of the ones that we love.

Angela Kennecke: 2:23

It is going to take all of us to put an end to this drug crisis that we have found ourselves in for the last couple of decades, really, but obviously it's escalated to untenable levels, I believe. And I think it's going to take everyone and everyone sharing their story. So thank you for sharing yours in advance and thank you for sharing it with our listeners.

Lauren Sisler: 2:41

Thank you. I appreciate it. So great to be here.

Angela Kennecke: 2:44

Let's just dig right in. Tell me a little bit about your background, where you grew up, and I know that sports is your world. I'm a little bit sports illiterate, I have to admit, but I'm happy for you, and I think we need a lot of women in that area too, so good for you, um, getting into that field. But tell me a little bit about what led you there, and where you grew up, and what your life was like.

Lauren Sisler: 3:06

Well, I appreciate that. You know, admitting that maybe sports is not your thing. There are times where it's not my thing either. I laugh about this, you know, during college football season, which being on ESPN, traveling usually Thursday through Sunday, I get home on Sundays and, you know, used to be like, turn on the TV, let's watch some NFL football. And I have to admit now, sometimes I have to tell myself like, all right, got to unplug for a minute. You know, I've got a newborn at home. He's not a newborn anymore. He's almost a year old, which is kind of wild. But, you know, realizing, okay, time to unplug every once in a while. But, you know, I grew up in Roanoke, Virginia. It was my mom, my dad, and my older brother Alan,

Angela Kennecke: 3:44

a family of four living in suburbia. Sounds pretty picture perfect.

Lauren Sisler: 3:49

You know, we rode our bikes around the neighborhood, played hide and seek, went to the local swim club at the top of the hill, would hear dad call for us, come on, it's time for dinner, you know. We'd come hustling in the house, me and my brother, we'd sit around the kitchen table, eat a lovely home cooked meal from my mom, she was an excellent cook. On

Angela Kennecke: 4:06

top of that, Lauren found something she was both truly passionate about and talented in. gymnastics.

Lauren Sisler: 4:12

I was actually a gymnast the majority of my early childhood and into my teenage years and actually had the big bold dream of becoming a collegiate gymnast. And so that is what I had my sights set on, started sending out my recruiting tape all over the country and ended up landing at Rutgers University. And I'm just so grateful for that opportunity. Rutgers, like New Jersey, this Virginia Southern girl, culture shock, but it was such a cool place to go and kind of pursue my career as a gymnast. And I just had that sports background, right. Growing up, you know, we watched sports. My dad was a volunteer coach. I was in the gym all the time. My brother, you know, competed in three different sports and, you know, that was just our livelihood.

Angela Kennecke: 4:51

My daughter, Emily, was a gymnast as well. So I can really appreciate your gymnastics career. She did it from the age of five up until she was a junior in high school. So a long time. And she was tall as well, tall for a gymnast. Not particularly tall, but 5'7, 5'8, 5'7 to 5'8, you know.

Lauren Sisler: 5:12

5'7 is very tall for a gymnast. I mean, we're talking like five foot.

Angela Kennecke: 5:16

for a gymnast and you're tall.

Lauren Sisler: 5:18

Yeah, I'm 5'9. I was 5'7 when I went into college, grew two more inches. So absolutely 5'7. Woo. Um, you are far up in the treetops at that point when it comes to gymnastics. So I can understand that. Now, what was Emily's best events? What did she enjoy doing the most?

Angela Kennecke: 5:33

Well, she won the most. She went to state and won for balance beam, which always amazed me. I mean, that is tough stuff. And I always say that. You know, gymnasts are risk takers. That's a personality trait for someone who would try drugs, right. Or try something new, definitely risk taker. But, you know, she was a really good gymnast and I'm so grateful for those years that we had where she did that. And I kind of thought sports would inoculate her. from substance use disorder from you know going down that path But I mean, I don't think there are any guarantees in life for anyone that they won't fall into the trap of addiction

Lauren Sisler: 6:08

Well, and I think you bring up such a good point because you're right gymnastics is a huge risk taking sport, right? because it's very much physical, but also very mental as well. And, you know, I will say it takes a lot of courage to go out there and compete and put your body through that rigors of the sport. And not to mention, you mentioned balance beam being one of her best defense. Talk about risk taking, you know, tumbling down a very narrow balance beam blindly and just holding your breath, hoping you don't get hurt. Don't fall off. Don't split the beam. That's a big risk. But you say that. Nobody obviously is exempt from turning down this path. And I think that is the great work that you're doing and that we're all trying to join in hands together is to bring light to this and help people to realize that one day you can wake up and life can just be peachy and everything's great. And I'm following the rule book of life. And then next day you wake up and suddenly it takes a turn.

Angela Kennecke: 7:08

Lauren knows all too well about the twists and turns of life. As she excelled in gymnastics and felt supported by her Christian loving parents, she also started to notice that her dad struggled with substance use disorder. First, his addiction involved alcohol.

Lauren Sisler: 7:26

That was something we were aware of as kids, but let's be real, 10 year old, like, what is alcoholism to you? I didn't understand it. I didn't know what it was. And so I was really good at compartmentalizing it. And, you know, dad would have a little slip up, go on a weekend bender. He would be fine for six months. Mom would get back to your AA meetings and that would be it. So it was something I boxed up, put on a shelf and didn't think about. So it really didn't resonate with me that there was a major issue there because he managed it. But it was

Angela Kennecke: 7:55

a different story when Lauren was 16. Both of her parents went to a pain management doctor who prescribed them OxyContin. This was in the late 1990s, shortly after Purdue Pharma introduced the drug.

Lauren Sisler: 8:09

My parents were experiencing chronic pain. My mom had degenerative disc disease. My dad had chronic back pain. He was also in the military for five years and had experienced some PTSD, was dealing with some depression and things related to his military experiences. And what started out as Oxycontin eventually escalated to Fentanyl. So my mom actually, because she couldn't manage the Oxycontin. Well, we're going to try a fentanyl.

Angela Kennecke: 8:35

So your mom was prescribed, prescribed fentanyl. We should point that out.

Lauren Sisler: 8:39

Prescribed fentanyl. And it was a pain patch that every 72 hours she was prescribed to change it out. So I remember seeing her wear it like on her chest area and. Eventually the 72 hours wasn't enough, so then it became every 48 hours we're gonna swap this thing out. Remember seeing my parents sucking on the fentanyl suckers, which are basically for breakthrough pain. And talk about becoming a norm around our house, like, we'd go places and these sticks are hanging out of their mouths as they're driving places or sitting on the couch watching TV. And you were in

Angela Kennecke: 9:15

high school, you know, on your way to college when all this was happening, right? And you don't think to question it. This is just what's the doctors prescribe it. This is what's happening. This is what your parents are doing. Did you ever think that they acted abnormally on these highly addictive and potent, powerful medications?

Lauren Sisler: 9:32

Well, you know, I think the one thing that stands out to me is first and foremost is just how tired my parents were, especially my father, because my mom was on disability. And I remember my dad commuted over an hour each way to work. He worked for the Salem VA Medical Center. Oh, so he's working in health care. Yeah, working in health care, actually working on operating room equipment. That was like his sole job at the VA in the latter part of his career. That's where he was seeing his counselors. That's where he was really getting a lot of the help. That he needed to combat the alcoholism that he was dealing with, and also the doctors he was seeing for the pain, right? He had a permanent TENS unit in his back, so he's kind of, like you said, in the walls and the confines of a medical facility, and all this is happening, right? And so, He would come home on the weekends. We'd be on the couch watching TV and I'm talking within two minutes, you know, remotes in the air and he's just, you know, snoring away. And I just as a 15, 16 year old thought, well, dad's tired. He's commuting to work each day. He's getting up at 5 AM. He's coming home and getting home at 7 PM. Like, of course the guy's tired.

Angela Kennecke: 10:35

Yeah. You're not thinking he's nodding off because of the opioids. I mean, that's not. Something probably they've ever crossed your mind.

Lauren Sisler: 10:41

Not even

Angela Kennecke: 10:42

once.

Lauren Sisler: 10:43

And then I will say this, Angela, the one area that now looking back was a little bit alarming to me is there was an incident where my mom was like the even keel person, right? The glue of the family when it came to finances, the budget. I mean, she just kept it all together. And it's wild because there was an incident before I graduated high school where my mom had gotten, I'm talking furious at my dad, so furious that she started like throwing stuff at, and I'm talking this is not my mom, like who is this person, throwing stuff at him and I'm seeing my dad just well up with tears. He's crying and I, my heart just hurt so bad because I'm like, what is happening? And this was happening in the house while I'm there, not behind closed doors and come to find out my dad had taken one of my mom's prescription drugs. And what ultimately happened is that prescription drug ran out. So my mom, at that point, now looking back was going through withdrawals and needed that medication. And she was absolutely furious because now she's left with these withdrawals because my dad ultimately took. one of her prescription drugs and essentially got his fix. And now she's sitting here like, what do I do?

Angela Kennecke: 11:57

Right. And the withdrawals can be so much worse than the pain or anything else. A hundred times worse. I am just imagining all this developing and I'm thinking about everything we know now. I'm thinking about the books I've read, the movies I've seen, the miniseries, you know, painkiller or dope sick, you know, we all understand now that doctors were overprescribing. Oxycontin. The Oxycontin is basically heroin and a pill. We're understanding all these people got addicted, like your parents. And so many people died because of it. But yet at the time, everybody was in denial, right? The drug companies wanted to make money. The doctors wanted to think what they were doing. was okay. So really nobody was talking about it at the time when this happened to your parents.

Lauren Sisler: 12:42

Yeah. And I think that's the crazy part. Cause you mentioned Dope 6 specifically, that book actually was the stories that were all within the Southwest region of Virginia, where I'm from.

Angela Kennecke: 12:53

And Virginia was hit so hard.

Lauren Sisler: 12:55

Yeah. Yeah. And in my parents were essentially the prequel. to that book and what Beth Macy outlines in that book.

Angela Kennecke: 13:11

Despite her parents struggles with substance use disorder, Lauren continued to excel in gymnastics. Her dedication and talent earned her a scholarship to compete at Rutgers University.

Lauren Sisler: 13:22

Went to school, communicated with my parents every day. Everything seemed normal. Everything seemed fine. There was an incident where my mom actually called and said, you're not going back to Rutgers. Rutgers. I didn't understand that. She was furious. She was angry. What did I do? I don't understand. Come to find out she had run out of her medication. She was going through withdrawals and my dad patched it up as he always did and said, no, your mom, she's just going through a tough time right now. Everything's going to be okay. And then she called and apologized, sent me a card.

Angela Kennecke: 13:57

Shortly after that, Lauren's parents visited her at Rutgers and watched her perform. She felt like her life was reaching a high point.

Lauren Sisler: 14:07

I hadn't broken into the lineup at Rutgers yet, but I did an exhibition routine and they got to see me compete on bars and floor. Those were my two specialties and they were the proudest parents and everything seemed normal. I remember them staying at a hotel and we visited a lot and it was just a great experience. And I mean, I could still literally close my eyes and see them in the stands at Rutgers as they're cheering for me after I'd finished my floor routine. And saluted the judges. And I could just hear my dad, he had this whistle that was just piercing. I mean, they were just so proud. And I'm like, man, I'm living my dream. And it's not just my dream, you know, Angela, I mean, your daughter obviously competed in the sport and the dreams that are hers become yours. And there's that investment piece, right? You're investing in her and her career and her future. And I started to recognize that as I matured. realizing that, you know, this isn't just for me. This is for our family. This is for everyone, all the blood, sweat and tears and the financial strain that this sport has put on my family.

Angela Kennecke: 15:16

After her parents left, they continued to be her support system with regular phone calls and letters. Lauren still didn't sense anything was unusual with her mom and dad.

Lauren Sisler: 15:26

She sends me a card in the mail, the sweetest card, talking about how much she loves me and to continue chasing that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and, you know, words of affirmation and support.

Angela Kennecke: 15:38

How wonderful that you have that memory to hold close in your heart, considering what happened next. What happened next could be a scene straight out of some kind of tragic movie. Lauren was wrapping up her spring break. but was still on campus because it was gymnastics season.

Lauren Sisler: 16:07

I'd call my parents like I always did, was studying for midterm exams, picked up the phone, called them, had a great conversation with both of them. My dad had just celebrated his 52nd birthday. And I just remember him telling me how proud he was of me and how much he missed me and couldn't wait for us to be together again when the summer rolled around and said our goodbyes, said our I love yous and hung up the phone. And the phone call that came next was several hours later as I'm asleep, I wake up to the phone ringing and my dad informs me that my mom had passed away.

Angela Kennecke: 16:41

I can't imagine the shock that an 18 year old, you were 18? 18. Yeah, goes through with no warning that this could happen and no idea that there was even a problem and you get a call that your mother's dead. I mean, that's gotta be like, I just, I would think you would just have lost your mind. That's all I can think of.

Lauren Sisler: 17:03

Shock to the system. Cause I mean, you think about it, like I literally just talked to them a few hours before, you know, and I mean, literally everything seemed in place. I mean, everyone seemed happy. Everyone seemed normal. Everyone seemed. You know, par for the course. It's Sunday, we're getting ready for work tomorrow, all the things. I had actually later found out that both my parents had had the flu that morning and had called in to church to, uh, we went to a very small church, and so if you don't show up to church, somebody's calling you. So, I remember they had checked in with our neighbor to let them know they wouldn't make it. And my brother recalls that after having talked to my parents, cause he talked to them just a couple hours after I did.

Angela Kennecke: 17:39

But you get this call, your mother is dead. You're told to come home. This is your dad telling you, right? Come home. You get yourself there, which just amazes me, I guess. How did you remember anything? I can't imagine like that what's what because I remember the shock of hearing My daughter had OD'd and trying to get to her place and I remember I drove in the wrong direction and somehow I got turned Around to go to her apartment and to this day. I don't remember how I did that how you got there. Mm hmm. No memory

Lauren Sisler: 18:07

Well, and I think that's where our bodies obviously the defense mechanism and how our bodies process grief and shock like that, right? But yeah, get on a plane, get on the next plane you can. I'll be at the airport to pick you up. And as you mentioned, like, I'm just talking frantic. Like, what do I do? I don't have any money. I had 50 to my name. That's not getting me a flight home. This was back before you could just log on to the Delta app and be like, Hey, let me book a flight, right? I remember I had to call the Continental Airlines. I didn't even know what the closest airport was because previously I had not flown. To or from New Jersey. I'd only taken a train at this point early in my career. Didn't have a car on campus. Like, didn't have the resources to get from point A to point B. There's no Uber. There's no, I mean, none of that, right? He just said, get on the next plane you can. I'll be at the airport to pick you up. And I think that is, you know, I hung up the phone. I booked my flight. I get my roommate to help with an emergency credit card. Like all these things, you know, are happening and to piece it all together, how I got from point A to point B is still beyond me, but as I'm piecing it together, my plane lands and instead of my dad being there to pick me up, it was my cousin and my uncle, my uncle, Mike, and my cousin, Justin, and in those thoughts and moments, as I'm running outside, looking everywhere for my dad and they pull up instead, I'm thinking, well, I haven't talked to my dad in a few hours. I'm going to see him soon. He's probably taking care of things with my mom. He's probably at the hospital. He's probably we're going we're getting in the car. We're driving to the house. We're going to see that and that's all I can think about. And as we start driving out to the exit of the airport, I finally just worked up the courage and I said, Uncle Mike, I said, I just want to see my dad. Where's my dad? And he had to pull the car over and. Tell me that my dad had passed away too.

Angela Kennecke: 19:47

Oh my gosh That is just way too much for any one person to take it seems like in such a short period of time

Lauren Sisler: 19:55

Yeah, and I think, too, not having the explanation, right, because it's not as simple as oh, well, it was an accident, it was a car accident, it was this or that, like, just to, like, process, like, what in the world just happened, and not having any comprehension or understanding of it was just like,

Angela Kennecke: 20:12

oh. My heart just breaks for you, for your brother, for your whole family. I mean, that's awful. Just awful. Yeah,

Lauren Sisler: 20:21

it's a lot. It's a lot, you know, but you've experienced that loss in such a profound way I know the pain. I don't know

Angela Kennecke: 20:30

your specific pain, but I know the pain, right? right, and there's nothing that can compare to it and I just think how young you were and then just to not have the Answers and to not have any understanding of what went on and to lose them both so quickly within What was it? 12 hours of each other? Five

Lauren Sisler: 20:49

hours, actually. Oh my gosh.

Angela Kennecke: 20:52

And so you have some extended family there to help you and I assume your brother shows up. And when did you start to get answers about what had happened?

Lauren Sisler: 21:01

Well, the answers came a lot quicker than I was willing to. Acknowledge. It took about 90 days to get the toxicology reports, and I was home in the early summer, and we went over to the coroner's office to get those reports, and my auntie Linda, my mom's sister, basically got in the car after having walked into the coroner's office. I said, I don't want to go in. She comes out, manila envelope. She had kind of peeked through them, said, do you want to read them? And I looked at her, I said, no, and I threw it in the floorboard. 10 years went by before I ever. Open those toxicology reports.

Angela Kennecke: 21:45

Despite both of her parents dying from fentanyl, fentanyl prescribed to them by doctors. That's not what Lauren told people at her college or in her hometown.

Lauren Sisler: 21:59

Small town community, you know, everybody's business is everybody's business. And that was definitely the case there in Newport, Virginia. And even when I went back to Rutgers, after my parents passed away, people wanted to know. And so I was just fabricating this story. You know, my mom was dealing with a lot of pain. She was taking a lot of medication to help her with her pain. And she died of respiratory failure. and I basically kept putting that out there, respiratory failure. Okay, well, what about your dad? And I would just, well, you know, he just died of, of heartbreak. My dad, you know, died of heart attack, the stress of losing my mom and he was just heartbroken. And I fabricated that in my mind because I said, well, dad's heart did technically stop, but it wasn't because of a heart attack. It was because he also ingested a lethal amount of fentanyl and overdosed.

Angela Kennecke: 22:48

So both your parents died from fentanyl. Yep. But you didn't look at that toxicology report for 10 years. So did you even know that, or did your aunt tell you that?

Lauren Sisler: 22:57

She tried to tell me in a loving way over time. She wasn't trying to force it and she would do it in a way where maybe she'd be talking to someone in a sidebar conversation or somebody would ask and it would get brought up and I would just go fisticuffs with her. I'm telling you, like, throwing an absolute fit. You would have thought I'd turn back into a two year old. Throwing tantrums. That's not true. You're lying. Like I would just call her a liar and did everything I could to mask what had actually happened. And because I wanted to stick with my story. I never could acknowledge the truth behind all of it. And I literally told this story over and over and over again that like, I believed it. So as I'm envisioning what happened that night, you know, that my mom was taking the medication as she should have been, she was in a lot of pain. And ultimately she went into respiratory failure. I could not acknowledge the fact that my mom literally put a patch in the freezer, cut it open, sucked on it. And that is what ended her life.

Angela Kennecke: 23:52

Well, I think of so many things when I think about this time in your life. One thing that astounds me is that. You went back to school. You know, I think a lot of people, if they had lost both of their parents, would just be floundering around. I mean, you could have started using substances yourself. There's a lot of paths you could have chosen, not all healthy ones. What do you think it is about you that you were able to pick yourself up and go on?

Lauren Sisler: 24:18

That's a question, a question that I've been pondering for a very long time. And I will say this, you know, I do think you talked about gymnastics and some of the things that gymnastics teaches us. And I think as an athlete, as a competitor, as a risk taker, I was really good at compartmentalizing things. I really developed this like. crazy window of tolerance. And so I think there's that piece of it where I was already kind of paving the way through gymnastics. When I get knocked down, you keep getting up, you keep going, you keep going, you keep going, you keep going. And it's like that competitor mindset. It was like, I was competing constantly, just competing, competing against myself, competing against my fears, my grief, my shame, all the things. And honestly, I will say this, when it comes to substance, I was 15 years old. I remember being, um, In high school, 15, you know, is when I really started to see the drugs and the alcohol kind of coming to fruition. And I remember making a decision like, I don't need any of this. Gymnastics is too important. My life is too important. I don't need all those distractions. I didn't remove myself from those situations. I was going to parties. I was around it, but I just chose not to participate. And I did that at 15 before I really truly ever recognized My dad was an alcoholic and that that could affect me. I didn't learn that till later in life, but it was a decision that I made that I still stand on. That was one of the best decisions. of my life because who knows what pathway that could have taken me down. But you mentioned going back to Rutgers, you know. Two weeks after my parents died, went back to Rutgers. My aunt and uncle sat me down. My aunt said, look, Lauren, you've got a commitment to yourself, your university, your teammates, and this is what your parents would want. So, I went back to school and I didn't really think I had an option, you know, and I think that that kind of kept me grounded in many ways, because I had that support system. I had my teammates, you know, but I was going out and still going to parties, frat parties and living college life. And I remember walking into like a frat house and seeing lines of Coke on a table and just like freaking out and being like, it just never struck me as something that I felt compelled to do. And I think a lot of that is, you know, I take pride in. Controlling myself and having that control. And I think as a gymnast, right? Like control is like one of the number one things you've got to have as a gymnast. You've got to stay absolutely controlled. If you're going to be precise to put out the best performance and ultimately stick the landing, so to speak. And I just always like, just kept making those, firing off those decisions and staying away from the things that I felt would ultimately numb me from the pain that I was feeling.

Angela Kennecke: 26:57

Right. And subconsciously. You know, you're talking about you had an awareness of your dad being an alcoholic. Your aunt's trying to tell you it was the pain medication that killed your parents. You don't want to hear it, but you may have even thought that that's not the life I want for myself, even if you weren't thinking it, you know?

Lauren Sisler: 27:14

Yeah, I think there has to be, yeah, some subconscious level of wanting to carry on and carry on in a way that was different than what I had seen happen to my parents.

Angela Kennecke: 27:32

Despite her grief, Lauren continued to excel even after college. She broke into the highly competitive field of sports broadcasting, eventually landing a job at ESPN. Today, she's well known for her sideline shimmy.

Lauren Sisler: 27:46

The sideline shimmy became my, my token phrase, I guess. You can relate to this as a broadcaster, right? When people say, Oh, do you still get nervous? Well, you know, there is a point in your life where I'm glad that I still get nervous. Yes, you flip on that red. Light and all of a sudden it's like, you know, two thousand two million people are staring back at you and waiting for you to say something and hope that you say it and it sounds and comes out right.

Angela Kennecke: 28:11

Yeah, it kind of becomes second nature after a while though, doesn't it? Like it's just what you do.

Lauren Sisler: 28:15

It is what you do. Yeah, but I do love the adrenaline. It gives you a shot of adrenaline that it's fun to have. It feels like you're back out there competing again. At least for me, it really felt like I was back out there, uh, saluting the judges in the gymnastics arena and putting together a solid performance. But yes, the sideline shimmy kind of became my thing because of the nerves and trying to shake off those nerves and use that as a sort of a grounding exercise and giving me the opportunity to shake off the nerves. And ultimately I threw it up on social media one day and the rest is history. Everyone seemed to love it.

Angela Kennecke: 28:48

And the athletes, they do it with you, right? So that makes it more fun.

Lauren Sisler: 28:51

Yeah. Yeah. I love getting the athletes involved.

Angela Kennecke: 29:04

But as Lauren built a living telling other people's stories, she couldn't shake the feeling that she was hiding the truth about her own family's struggles. It weighed heavily on her, knowing that publicly sharing what happened could possibly prevent others from going through the same kind of tragedy.

Lauren Sisler: 29:22

You know, I think as a journalist, right, our job is to uncover the truth in other people's stories and other people's lives. We're supposed to dig. We're supposed to report the truth. And I think ultimately, as I'm starting to transcend into this sports career, you know, I'd worked at my hometown station in Roanoke, Virginia. I'd gone to Parkersburg, West Virginia. I was starting my career there as a sports broadcaster, sports reporter, and anchor for a local TV station in Parkersburg. And I think when I was starting to piece these stories together, starting to finally see, you know, like, this is my job. I am a storyteller. I do this for a living. And ultimately, I am not taking ownership of my own story. Like I am running from the truth, running as far as I can away from my own story, like reality check, you know, there's a huge piece of integrity that comes along with being a journalist and you got to take ownership of that and as I started to mature in my career, I realized like, Hey now, we got to do something different here.

Angela Kennecke: 30:24

It's interesting you say that because I felt a duty to tell Emily's story because I had asked so many parents over the years to talk after losing a child or people that had suffered all kinds of losses and you know, people who'd been hit by tornadoes or whatever it might be and horrible crashes and things like that and I just thought, how can I not? tell her story. That doesn't seem fair if I ask all these other people to tell their stories, but yet I withhold my own. And every single person who told me their story over my decades working as a journalist said they did it so it could help someone else. So it could help others or so it could prevent the same thing from happening to someone else or something along those lines, you know?

Lauren Sisler: 31:06

Well, and I think that's a huge testament to you to have the strength to do that, you know, because. I am now a new mother and have a young child and just cannot even fathom the heartache of losing a child and for you to be able to step up to the plate and have that, you know, first of all, kudos to you for having the courage and strength to do that and really to kind of set a precedent for others and giving them essentially permission to say, Hey, like, here it is, but, you know, there has to be still some level of, you know, pain that was associated with you taking those words and putting those out for the world to see and to hear. And correct me if I'm wrong, but almost kind of sitting back and maybe clenching a little bit and thinking like, okay, what's the blowback going to be? What's the conversation going to be? What are people going to say about her? What is her lasting legacy going to be?

Angela Kennecke: 32:00

For sure. For sure. Cause that wasn't the story that I wanted to write. Just like that wasn't the story that you wanted for your family either, or for yourself. none of us do. That's dissipated, I think, over time and compartmentalizing. You talked about that. I think we all do that as journalists, compartmentalize, right? And able to do some of that as well. But so you have this curiosity then that, you know, going into this field, you're telling people's stories and then you want to know the truth.

ESPN Anchor: 32:28

And

Angela Kennecke: 32:31

how did you find out the truth? Did you go to your aunt? Did you open up the autopsy papers or what did you do?

Lauren Sisler: 32:36

You know, it was a long drawn out process, right? There wasn't just like one day I woke up and said, all right, I want to know the truth. Right. But where things started to transcend, I'm in Parkersburg, West Virginia. And I remember my aunt actually sitting down. One of my colleagues that I was working with at the time had come over and we were going to cook dinner and hang out. And she came over and started talking to my aunt about. What had happened, and I'm in the other room, I'm getting dinner ready, and it was the first time that I had not silenced my aunt from talking openly about it. This was seven years after they died. Finally, just let her talk, let her share. Didn't share my own sentiments about it, but let her do. That was kinda, I think, sort of the stepping stone, the next stepping stone towards this process of healing, of grieving, and really truly unlocking the shackles of shame. And end. The 10 year mark is when I opened those toxicology reports. I was working at the local CBS affiliate here in Birmingham, Alabama, where I currently live. And finally I said, you know what, I need to see this for myself because for so many years, if I said, if I don't see this on paper, I don't read it out loud, then it can't be true. Don't have to acknowledge it as truth in fact, because I'm not witnessing it on paper. So I knew that in opening that envelope, seeing those toxicology reports, I would have to acknowledge that this is the truth, this is factual, this is what happened, and I did that as we were doing a story on my family's situation, how my parents passed away, and then ultimately pushing that story into the crisis that we're faced with and that my parents are one of many that have gone through this crisis and that are being ravaged by it. Talk about freedom. I mean, I just, I sometimes look back and say, man, dang it. Why did it take me so long? Right? Well,

Angela Kennecke: 34:38

it took you as long as it took you, you know, you weren't ready. You weren't ready. And apparently the time was right. And the crisis had, everybody was talking about it. I mean, it's gotten to the point where it's more and more a household thing. And the timing was right. And so you did feel a sense of freedom. Did you feel angry at your parents? Did you feel anything else?

Lauren Sisler: 35:01

There was definitely a level of anger. Just, you know, when you start to recognize. The addiction because, you know, as I'm learning about what took their lives, I'm also learning about what addiction is. I'm learning the intricacies of it, which, as you know, well, no, it's not black and white and gosh, there's just so much that is involved in the inner workings of how addiction literally grabs its claws into people. And, you know, I think that that's where I couldn't quite comprehend it. And I just couldn't understand how it got to that point. And just as my parents being happy people and on the outside, seemingly everything was fine. I think the anger wasn't so much the addiction itself. It was the fact that they never spoke up and they never said anything to anybody. Why would you not talk? Why would you not? Well, you know, we are a loving family. Like somebody could have helped you. Somebody could have done something to make this better, to get you guys the help you needed. And, you know, I sit here and reflect on it too and think while it's not my job and while I'm young and immature in so many ways, I wish I would have asked more questions. And maybe that's something I would encourage people that are listening to this now to ask questions. And sometimes they're not easy questions, they're uncomfortable, but you got to get comfortable with getting uncomfortable sometimes. And I think that that as my 14, 15 year old self, I wish I would ask more questions. And again, while it wasn't necessarily my role as their child. If I would have known then what I know now and what I'm trying to help these young adolescents when I go speak at a high school. To encourage them to ask these questions when they see something that's alarming or, you know, potentially dangerous or just curiosity, giving our family members, giving our friends, giving people around us an opportunity to have a voice and to ask those questions and really just to dig a little deeper and maybe understand. Free of judgment. Hey, what's going on in your life right now? What, what's got you down? You know, you seem a little off today. I've noticed these last few weeks, things just seem a little off. And so it's trying to have these conversations in a loving way that is non condemning. It's hard. It takes work, but you know, that's one piece of advice and encouragement I would have for anybody that's listening that might be on the other side of this thing. Wondering if maybe their loved one is suffering with. Something that is creating, you know, major turmoil in their lives.

Angela Kennecke: 37:39

And my guess is that your parents were deeply ashamed. I mean, they knew they shouldn't be doing this. Their life shouldn't be going this way. They knew it. Part of them knew it. And I didn't know that my daughter had graduated because I thought she was using Xanax and marijuana. I didn't know she had graduated to heroin. And of course, I didn't know because she was ashamed. And I later found an entry in her journal talking about shame related to drug use. So I'm sure your parents were ashamed, and especially back when this happened, people were not talking about this kind of thing. There was so much stigma surrounding, I say, diseases of the brain, whether it be mental health or addiction, that people didn't really feel comfortable about it. And most of this shame that I've talked to many people who suffer from substance use disorder say nobody puts shame on them as much as they put on themselves. So that's most likely the case with your parents. And you tell this story. And then you tell it publicly. Not only do you admit to yourself, this is what happened after years of really denying the truth is that you tell it publicly, which I really admire. And was that scary for you?

Lauren Sisler: 38:45

Oh, yeah. It was scary because you put that out there and you just wonder what the response is going to be, right? Because you spend so many years. I'm holding that legacy of my parents in my hands. And I felt like whatever comes out of my mouth, Whatever I say is ultimately going to be bound to them and their ultimate legacy and what they're remembered for. And my parents were remembered as such loving and supportive and kind, generous people. But if I let people in on the secret that they were addicts, then perhaps people would think very differently of them. And what I found, one of the, the stories that really resonates with me is that I had done that news piece 10 years after their passing. You know, with social media, love hate relationship, right? You kind of wait and say, okay, you know, what's the response going to be? And this goes out and I shared it on social media and a colleague of my father's reached out to me and indicated that she was so grateful that I'd finally come forward and shared their story because for so many years she had so many questions and would just, it was just eating her up to know what had happened. She wanted to know and I think people have guesses they have assumptions, but she just wanted to know and she said this brings me so much peace and so much closure and then went on to talk about what a great man my father was, how funny he was, how loving he was, and how much he loved me and my brother and my family and everything that he did and how proud he was and so nothing That that woman that his colleague had learned from that report that we had done that story coming out and sharing the truth didn't alter her view or viewpoint of my parents really gave her peace and closure and gave her permission to then tell me that she has family members that have experienced similar addictions and she was so grateful that now maybe she could have the courage to have these conversations and be more open about it.

Angela Kennecke: 40:51

Cause these two things can exist at the same time, wonderful people, people with incredible talents and gifts to give to the world and kind and all of these things can also have substance use disorder. So, you know, it's not a bad person who has substance use disorder. Often it is among the best people. I've talked to so many parents whose children are sensitive and kind and loving and all of these things and talented and they suffer from this, you know, and it's just, it's non discriminatory.

Lauren Sisler: 41:20

Does not matter the car you drive, the house you own, the job title you hold. We can all fall prey to this and I think it's just important to keep that in mind and know that we need to empower ourselves through education, prevention, be aware. You go to the doctor, they prescribe you something, be aware of the side effects, be aware that it can be addictive, be aware. that if you are in a lot of pain and you're going through maybe a surgery or something that this is not for long term use and to make sure that you are empowered to do that and have an ally in this. And that's what I encourage people, you know, have an ally. You have to go get a major surgery, let that person know this is not something I want to do.

Angela Kennecke: 42:06

Talking about her journey has not only been a way for Lauren to help others. but has also been a huge part of her own healing process. Sharing her story has helped her work through grief and find a sense of peace.

Lauren Sisler: 42:25

I have this vision of those shackles just tied around my arm and I have experienced such a high level of freedom. You know, I just feel so free that I can speak openly about it without fear of judgment and not just fear of judgment of how my parents will be judged, but how me personally, how I'm going to be judged. And I think that when you see. The response and ultimately you see that other people have this example. You set this example like, hey, it's okay. It's okay to test the waters. It's okay to share whether it's the person sitting next to your next door neighbor, your colleague, the clerk at the grocery counter, whatever it may be. And I have experienced such a high level of freedom and this feeling, and I use this word because I feel like it's so powerful, I use this word exonerated. I feel exonerated because for so many years I was a prisoner. And on the outside, I had it figured out. I was bubbly. I was energetic. I was that person that just, Oh, everyone's just, Oh, you're the fighter. You're the overcomer. You've done all these amazing things. You're so strong, Lauren. And I felt like I had to just keep up that persona and inside it was just eating away at me. And I truly feel exonerated. Number one, personally, because I've now stepped out in the truth. And number two, seeing the effects, the ripple effect. That, that truth and being open, being vulnerable has created. And I encourage people, my mantra, my saying is fall in love with your story. Learn to fall in love with your story, because when you can do that, you can break those chains. And ultimately my hope and goal is that I can break those chains and be an example for, you know, my friends, the people around me, my colleagues, the people I stand on stage and talk to, and more than anything, my husband and my child.

Angela Kennecke: 44:26

In addition to speaking about her parents struggles with substance use disorder, Lauren has also written a new book, Shatterproof, not only to tell her family's story, she also shares how shame silenced her. However, when she embraced her own story, she found strength and resilience becoming shatterproof.

Lauren Sisler: 44:46

We just surpassed the 21 year anniversary of my parents passing. You know, it took me 19 years to even put the first word on paper. And, you know, when I reflect on sort of those events, like going back to school and like, how in the world do you survive that? How do you get your mind right? To be able to just keep pushing forward. And I think having the support system, an incredible roommate, Cara was just phenomenal. Having her like going back to someone that cared, someone that loved me, someone, you know, her family loved me like their own, I think just having that, the gymnastics team, the support system. Did not want to go see a counselor, did not want to see a therapist, was like, Nope, not for me. And then ultimately my coaches encouraged it and said, Hey, like you need this. They were sending in grief counselors for the team, as you can imagine. So, you know, I needed to take advantage of that. And I did, and there were times where I leaned in, times I leaned out. And, you know, I think that that is one of the saving graces for me is just having some level of structure around me. that kept me grounded. And because I went back to Rutgers, I think had I not been forced to go back to Rutgers and my aunt would have said, Hey, you can just stay here and live here for a little while. I think I would have probably just sat on that bed all day and just, you know, I had commitments. So like I had to set an alarm clock. I had to get up out of the bed. Like there was no choice and don't get me wrong. Like there were days I'd go in the gym and I'd just go sit in the corner and cry and they wouldn't say anything to me because they said, well, you know, her mom and dad died, so we're not going to push her. too hard, but there came a point where they finally said, all right, Lauren, enough's enough. Like you've got to get control of this or you're going to drown in this. And ultimately the price you pay is you get kicked out of school. And then who knows what's next.

Angela Kennecke: 46:32

Although Lauren has learned to live with her grief over the past couple of decades, she admits there are still moments when it feels overwhelming. That is especially the case during big milestones. such as her wedding day or her son's birthday and

Lauren Sisler: 46:48

the day that he was born and knowing that he'll never know his grandparents other than what I share with him and when he one day is old enough to read my book and it does feel like a lot of missed milestones. I am thankful for the memories that exist. I'm thankful for the 18 years that I had them. My in laws, my husband's parents are amazing. So many great family members and friends that have certainly stepped in and nobody can ever replace my parents, but I am so grateful for the people that have stepped in. I would just say that, you know, there are times where I see the interaction with Mason and his grandparents, my in laws, and I think, man, You know, what, what would this look like if my parents were sitting here right now? And there's a lot of what ifs and it's hard to dismiss those. And there's just sometimes, you know, I just go to bed at night and just. Can't stop thinking about them. It's hard,

Angela Kennecke: 47:41

right? Because it'll always be with you. It'll always be with you that grief the loss Nobody can ever replace your parents But I think you have a wonderful attitude about it the best that you could have You know to be grateful for the time you had with them and to be grateful for the people who are in your life now Making your life really rich which it sounds like it is. And I'm just really glad that you did decide to share their story about a decade ago and that you continue to do so. It's so important.

Lauren Sisler: 48:09

Well, I appreciate that, Angela. It means a lot to me. And just thank you for the voice that you are and to have the courage and strength to share Emily's story. It's not all in vain. And I know that her legacy lives on.

Angela Kennecke: 48:19

Yeah, that's what I worry about, that it's all in vain. And of course, the legacy that you're creating here will live on through your book as well.

Lauren Sisler: 48:25

Yeah, it's always one of those things, you know, I go speak at events and I get 30, 45 minutes, maybe an hour if I'm lucky, and then there's a million questions and you just can't, you can't answer them all. And the book really outlines things. And I will say so many things were discovered in that process. You talk about, Not remembering how you got to your daughter's apartment. There were so many of those black holes that when I sat down and started writing this book, I said, I got to figure this out. I got to piece this together. You know, it was really just an amazing process and a healing process. If anything comes from this, you know, it's number one, I just hope for tremendous impact for other people. And number two, you know, I can tell you that the healing that I've experienced in this process has just been amazing. exponential. So grateful for it. And grateful for the people that have been alongside me in this journey. And I'm just so excited for people to get their hands on it and hopefully it to experience, you know, some level of healing and understanding because the goal is to meet people where they're at and whether it is addiction, shame is something we all experience. Right. And so I want people to understand that, you know, they don't have to be defined by the circumstances and that they can use shame. They can use. challenges as a catalyst for growth and that it doesn't have to be a setback. You know, it's not the end of our story. When we have a setback, it's not the end of our story. Truly, it's just a turning point in the road and gives us an opportunity to go in a different direction.

Angela Kennecke: 49:47

Well, you are a living example of that. So thank you. Thank you for everything that you do. It's been a pleasure to get to know you. I'm sorry for the loss of your parents, but I am grateful that you're talking about it.

Lauren Sisler: 49:58

You as well, Angela. Thank you so much for your love and your heart. And I'm so excited to just continue on this journey and join hands with you on this fight to help people navigate this unfortunate set of circumstances that we're faced with this epidemic.

Angela Kennecke: 50:11

Thank you. And thank you for listening to this episode of Grieving Out Loud. If you found it helpful, please consider leaving a positive review and sharing it with your friends and family. We'd also love to hear your ideas for future episodes, so don't hesitate to reach out. My contact information is in the show notes. Thanks again for listening. Until next time, wishing you faith, hope, and courage. This podcast is produced by Casey Wunderberg King and Michael Guerin.