Angela Kennecke: [00:00:00] Are you passionate about keeping kids safe and informed? Emily's Hope is proud to introduce our K 5 Substance Use Prevention Curriculum designed to educate young minds about the dangers of substance use. This engaging program lays the foundation for a healthy future. Visit emilyshopedu. org to learn more and help bring this vital resource to your local schools.

Encourage your school administrators and counselors to explore our curriculum today. It's part of our mission. Together, we can make a difference. ( MUSIC UP) 

Bradi Harrison Nathan: He, secured the LLC on his own.

He launched the website on his own. He hired his friends to be the models.

 At just 19 years old, Jack Nathan seemed to have an exciting and successful future ahead. He started his own apparel company and even donated some of the proceeds to an [00:01:00] organization that helps children struggling with their mental health.

Bradi Harrison Nathan: Jack was fearless. That's how he lived his life. He just never believed anything would happen to him.

 Unfortunately, his decision to take one pill would change his and his family's life forever. 

Bradi Harrison Nathan: And

His last text to me was, I love you more than life, which was very. not unusual for Jack to write. And the next morning I text him. I figured he's still sleeping. I text him again. And I don't even know how much later I got  a phone call from Jack's dad who had learned that Jack never woke up

 (MUSIC UP AND OUT) 

 I'm Angela Kenecke and you're listening to Grieving Out Loud. Thanks for joining us as we talk about some of the major topics facing today's youth the mental health crisis, the fentanyl [00:02:00] epidemic, and how parents can navigate these challenges.

 (MUSIC TRANSITION) 

Angela Kennecke: Bradi, thank you so much for joining me on Grieving Out Loud. It's just a pleasure to meet you.

Bradi Harrison Nathan: Thank you so much. I am grateful to be here.

Angela Kennecke: I'm saddened by the reason that you're here. Why so many of my guests join me because they've been through the loss of a child to fentanyl, , just like me or, to some other substance, but I'm very sorry for the loss of your son,

Bradi Harrison Nathan: Thank you. And my sympathies go out to you and to this group that none of us wanted to be a part of 

Angela Kennecke: Right. Right. And your Jack was just 19 years 

Bradi Harrison Nathan: 19. He was just shy of his birthday. He had come home from college because of COVID and We tragically lost him on July 3rd of 2020.

Angela Kennecke: right before the 4th of July. So [00:03:00] can you talk to me a little bit about Jack, because I think it's so interesting what he had already accomplished in his short

Bradi Harrison Nathan: life sure. So Jack struggled with both anxiety and depression, and as a way to relieve that anxiety, he would often, you know, retreat to the basement and blast Mac Miller, and he would paint. He would take himself to Michael's, buy canvases, and just paint for hours on end, and he told me it was the one place that He found peace.

 (MUSIC UP) 

Angela Kennecke: When Jack started college, he continued to paint, now in the basement of his fraternity house. But he also came up with an idea to turn his passion into a business, all while helping others who struggle with mental health.

 (MUSIC UP) 

Bradi Harrison Nathan: he had the idea to parlay his love of painting and his love of art into a way to help others. who felt the way my [00:04:00] son did in terms of Jack was very transparent about his anxiety and about his depression.

So he started heat pressing his designs onto apparel from his room in the fraternity house. And he aptly named his brand, Happy Jack. And he started selling those images and they were so well received, By his friends and just the concept as a whole. And so many kids identified with Jack and his struggles.

And I do believe that it was quite unusual for someone at the age of 19 to be so forthcoming, about his struggles. And he almost sort of wore it like a badge of honor. He just wanted to lead this charge. He called it for the misunderstood. 

 he just wanted other kids to know that they were not alone and they were not, you know, this anomaly and he literally sent out a text on June 7th and he said, if you're getting this text, you've [00:05:00] been a part of my life. And I've been building this company of brands around my struggles with mental illness and a portion of every sale is going to go to the Child Mind Institute, which was his chosen foundation at the time that he researched and found himself.

Bradi Harrison Nathan: And after the first week of sales, he donated $1, 000. And I was so incredibly proud of what he did on his own. And he didn't want any help from me, any help from his father. And you know, he,  secured the LLC on his own.

He launched the website on his own. He hired his friends to be the models. 

He got the photographers and did the photo shoots. I mean, everything that went into this he did on his own.

Angela Kennecke: That's incredible for somebody who's just 19 and he had a philanthropic

Bradi Harrison Nathan: heart as well. Yes. You know, he said to me, mom, if I could help one person to not feel the [00:06:00] way I do, it will have all been worth it. And I said, well, there you go

 (MUSIC UP) 

 Despite Jack's success, he continued to battle anxiety and depression. Brady says she first learned about her son's mental health struggles when he was a sophomore in high school. 

 (MUSIC UP) 

Bradi Harrison Nathan: I could picture what he's wearing. I remember him sitting on my countertop in my kitchen and I remember him telling me he wasn't happy. And as a parent, you look to the tangible first, right? You say like, well, you know, why isn't my child happy? What doesn't he have?

He has a plethora of friends, two loving parents you know, et cetera, et cetera. And when you realize that it is not attached to anything tangible, I understood the concept of depression. But it takes a minute. It takes a while to stop looking outside and understand that you have to look within to [00:07:00] find that happiness.

 (MUSIC UP) 

 After her son opened up about what he was dealing with, Brady sought to help him right away through a therapist.

Bradi Harrison Nathan: (MUSIC UP) there was a stigma attached. But then when he realized some of his friends actually were going to therapy, but just not talking about it, he embraced it a little bit. And he began to really like therapy. But can only help so much.

And it, as you know, is heartbreaking as a parent to see your child's in pain and to Want to be able to do everything and anything you can to take that pain away

 (MUSIC UP) 

 Despite seeing a therapist, Jack continued to struggle. Weeks before his death, he started taking medication for depression.

 (MUSIC UP) 

Bradi Harrison Nathan: Eventually he said I can't handle it anymore. I can't do this myself. And we got him on medication. And if you know that it takes a while to kick in, right? [00:08:00] And you have to use it consecutively, and then you slowly up the dosage.

And, he has to be responsible for taking his medication you know, once a day. And I believe that it started to help. However, I don't think he was on it long enough. to see the, any long term effects. And if I'm being honest with myself, I don't know that he was even taking it consistently, I should say.

 (MUSIC UP) 

 Alongside his mental health struggles, Brady knew her son had experimented with marijuana. Yet, what happened on July 2nd of 2020 still seems unimaginable.

 (MUSIC UP) 

Bradi Harrison Nathan: he decided he was going to go to a 21st birthday party. I wasn't that familiar with this group of friends that he had. He typically hung out with friends he grew up with. And it was about 45 minutes from my house and he texted me at midnight and he said, you know, really not safe to drive home.

I'm going to stay the night. [00:09:00] And 

his last text to me was, I love you more than life, which was very. not unusual for Jack to write. And the next morning I text him. I figured he's still sleeping. I text him again. And I don't even know how much later I got a phone call from Jack's dad who had learned that Jack never woke up.

Angela Kennecke: You think he's making a smart choice by not driving, right? If he had gone to a birthday party

drinking had probably been involved and 

Bradi Harrison Nathan: you know, what's so crazy is that when they did the autopsy, he had no alcohol in his system. Which I was really shocked. I mean, we didn't know. I knew one boy he was with who had said that he believed that he had taken a Percocet and I remember thinking at the time, well, Percocet is not causing you to not wake up in [00:10:00] the morning.

I wasn't as familiar with fentanyl as I am today. Obviously, four years ago, we didn't know about it. We didn't talk about it like we do today. So it didn't even occur to me that that Percocet that ingested that night might have been laced with fentanyl. It didn't even occur to me.

Angela Kennecke: so then how long did you have to wait to find out what killed him?

Bradi Harrison Nathan: I couldn't even tell you the exact time frame because it's, I'm sure like you, a lot of it is a blur. But it didn't take too long to realize that that one pill was 

um, with fentanyl. And that's ultimately how he passed. I still can't wrap my head around it. 

Angela Kennecke: Right. It's almost impossible to accept,

right? That he goes to a party, takes a pill and dies.

Bradi Harrison Nathan: impossible to wrap your head around the fact that something as small as a few grains of [00:11:00] sand can end. Someone's life. 

you know,

and I I'm looking back. I don't know if you had Emily's phone, but you're like well Had he not done this and he had gone there and he had had that plan. He wouldn't have been in Obviously, I don't know if any of that would have changed the trajectory of his life.

But yeah. 

Angela Kennecke: can I say something? I just interject for a minute? there's one great thing that has helped me in some grief training that I've taken recently and Instead of second guessing and saying you know If only they hadn't done only say even if even if You know, this happened, this still could have

even if, you know, I would have done this, or even if they did this thing, it still could have

Right. So I think that's something really, we all

do that. I think as parents, our brains so badly want to restructure or rewrite the story,

Bradi Harrison Nathan: wouldn't 

Angela Kennecke: right? We want to make sense of something that's so

senseless. 

Bradi Harrison Nathan: Yes 

yes, yes.

Angela Kennecke: right. And was anyone charged in his death?

Bradi Harrison Nathan: [00:12:00] No one was charged. Why? 

We still to this 

day, don't know where he got it from. somebody, 

Somebody

knows. 

I didn't have the strength. I didn't get out of bed for almost six months. I didn't have 

the strength or the bandwidth to even go that route.

Angela Kennecke: Well, it shouldn't be up to you, quite frankly. It should be up to law enforcement and investigators these cases. 

Bradi Harrison Nathan: And I suppose I

came to the realization that it wasn't going to bring my son back, and I 

wanted to remember 

Angela Kennecke: Right, for 

Bradi Harrison Nathan: how he lived his life, and not necessarily how he left us. 

Angela Kennecke: right. I get that. And I will say that in the case of Emily, we know where the drug came from. We know who it came from. Several people associated with her death went to prison, but it didn't. [00:13:00] Make me

feel any better. Do you know what I mean? It didn't make the pain go away I was glad that those people were Especially the higher level dealers that were bringing it from Chicago into my town Who killed many people who did not use their own

product? I was glad those people 

were put away 

because then they couldn't do it to other people, right? But it seems like then another person pops up in their place, like, it's just like whack a

right? So there's a lot of parents out there really angry that they didn't get justice, but sometimes it's not stopping this problem

Bradi Harrison Nathan: It's not

stopping this problem, and I haven't heard many parents say that. say this, if any, that Jack has to take some responsibility for what he did. And I'm his mother and I recognize no one put a gun to his head that night and made him take that pill. I don't know if I would have told him 10 times, 20 times more, be careful.

Be careful. No one [00:14:00] worried. I mean, it was a full time job for me worrying about Jack and he always told me I worry too much. And for just reason, 

Jack was fearless. That's how he lived his life. He just never believed anything would happen to him.

Angela Kennecke: in my daughter's case, she was struggling from substance use disorder and I always say You know, she made a decision to use, obviously, the day that she died, but she didn't make a decision to die. She didn't choose to die. It wasn't like she was trying to die, nor was Jack. So that is a different Yes.

 All of us hold some personal accountability. Right? Like the first time my daughter used, or the few times she used and then I know she was suffering from substance use disorder, There's some personal accountability there, but yet, when we were growing up, if someone was engaging in risky behavior, it wasn't a

Angela Kennecke: death sentence. right? So it's, really changed. I get what you're saying about personal accountability, but yet [00:15:00] there's this deadly substance in everything and people don't know they're getting

At least our kids

Bradi Harrison Nathan: I mean, it's almost been four years and I heard of it, but not like, you know, you have a 70 percent chance of, not waking up if you take an illicit pill. I mean, the numbers weren't out there like they are today. You know, if I had 

said to Jack, here's your decision to, when you take a pill, you think to yourself, I have a 70 percent chance of not waking up in the morning.

Angela Kennecke: Right. Well, didn't.

know. And you can't know what you didn't know, that's just the way it

goes. But you mentioned you know, basically you were in bed for like six months. Like you couldn't really

function. 

Bradi Harrison Nathan: I was tired. 

I was. Emotionally tired, too tired to eat, too tired to socialize, too tired to carry on a conversation, too tired to even go through even the process, which I have to hand it to Jack's father, [00:16:00] who handled all of the logistics that go into planning one's funeral. And I didn't know when I tell you nothing, nothing.

And it took every ounce of me just to even. Get me to the synagogue that day to hear the rabbi speak. I didn't go to Shiva. I didn't go to his unveiling. It took me two years to get to the cemetery. And I know everyone grieves differently. And for me personally, I become completely exhausted.

Angela Kennecke: and your grief is your grief. I mean, it is, and no one should define for you what that means or what you should do or not do. But my heart aches for you thinking of how devastated and sad. Cause I know that devastation and sadness. I know that tiredness. What eventually got you to [00:17:00] get going and get back into life

Bradi Harrison Nathan: Happy Jack. He had launched a business that I knew I had to continue. I wanted to honor his legacy and his memory. And his friends all rallied around happy Jack and picked up the slack when I couldn't and Jack's father and I, you know, finally took the reins and it gave me a reason to wake up in the morning.

And obviously my daughter, who's now 20 I told her, I promised her that I wouldn't go numb. And it's for her and for a happy Jack That's where my strength came from, and I'm grateful to my son that he left us that gift.

Angela Kennecke: And so you continue to sell his

artwork on merchandise. What else are you doing?

Bradi Harrison Nathan: Jack had these little touches that he would add, you know, every package had, he took a fat sharpie and he [00:18:00] drew a smiley. So some days I would just sit with huge envelopes and just draw smileys and hours would go by, but you know what? I felt more connected to him.

I felt like I was doing something. I was going back and forth to the post office, mailing out packages and sourcing and meeting with the manufacturer, meeting with the embroiderers.

Um, 

 (MUSIC UP) 

 Brady says that Happy Jack has not only helped her in the grieving process, but the company has grown and now supports even more non profits focused on mental health and substance use disorder.

Bradi Harrison Nathan: (MUSIC UP) We continued with the Child Mind Institute and eventually branched off to be able to raise enough money to donate to Active Minds, Born This Way Foundation, NAMI, Song for Charlie Release Recovery, and a bunch more, but it, we were It warms my heart that we are able to continue what he started in the way that [00:19:00] he wanted it to go.

Angela Kennecke: I have to say that is beautiful. It is a beautiful story. I mean, sad, bittersweet, obviously, but I love that what he started gave you your purpose again in life. And how are you doing today?

Bradi Harrison Nathan: I'm still tired. I'm 

Angela Kennecke: Yeah, grief. has a way of sticking I think will quite 

 I, nap. I am tired and I nap. I'm not as social as I used to be. I have trouble in social situations where I know a lot of people because I 

Bradi Harrison Nathan: feel like I have that like scarlet letter. Oh, there's the woman who lost her

child. And then, you know, you know, how people look at you and they're like, 

Angela Kennecke: that face.

Bradi Harrison Nathan: don't want to be that person. I am that person. 

I want to be that Well,

Angela Kennecke: this was not a choice that you or I made for our stories, right? For our family stories, for our stories. Yeah, I get 

Bradi Harrison Nathan: you're [00:20:00] in the public eye, so I don't know how much of a choice that you have I 

Angela Kennecke: didn't have a I had a lot of anxiety

initially. you know, going back out into public and, , I knew that people ask me about my daughter. Well, it is a big, huge part of my identity now, but I accept it that this is. My story now our story, but it's not none.

I would ever choose.

of course.

neither would you

, but I love that really I mean the fact that Jack started this before he died and you're carrying

it on it's just such a Powerful thing and your daughter you mentioned she would have been 16 when he died died. And my kids were also in high school, like 16, 17. I think it really, this horrible thing that happens in a family.

I would say it's like a bomb going off in your family. You know, it affects everybody. So how has it affected her?

Bradi Harrison Nathan: Mostly, and I found this really interesting, is that as she started [00:21:00] to sort of ease herself back into life, And going back to school and sports she began to say, you know, she didn't necessarily want to be a part of happy Jack. It was too much for her. It's too overwhelming. You know, when we did a pop up shop, she came, you know, a handful of times, whereas we were there every single day and she later said to me, she was able to articulate why, and she said, I don't want to be known as happy Jack sister.

Angela Kennecke: She wants her own 

Bradi Harrison Nathan: Correct. said, I want to, her name is Drew. And she said, I just want to be Drew. and it's no different, right? I don't want to be that mom 

and she didn't want to be that girl. And it's been almost four years she's been involved, but not as involved. As I thought she would have been, but I totally understand it and we have never pressured her.

We have never asked her to do anything that she wouldn't willingly want to do. And you know what? She's right. She deserves her own identity. She [00:22:00] deserves her own story. And you know, right now she's studying abroad in Australia and I'm so incredibly proud of her. And that's 

huge for anyone, but to go, you know, after a loss, it hasn't been that long, but you know, what's amazing is she's done things that she knew her brother wanted to do.

She went 

skydiving and I don't think that's something she ever would have done if she, you know, she knew that was something Jack wanted to do. 

Angela Kennecke: that's cool. That's her way to pay tribute to him is to do some things. Yeah, that's, and I think each of us has to find our own way, right? Even our children. have one daughter who moved to a different city and now lives in a different city. And I think that's good for her. There's some

distance.

She's not always identified as Emily's sister, right? She has her own but yet she does things. Yes. to help the charity. She's an animator illustrator. So she's helped with our education curriculum in her own way. She does but it's

her my other kids do different things.

So each one is [00:23:00] different in how they've approached this and what they wanted to do, what they've not wanted to do and how it has impacted their identity.

Bradi Harrison Nathan: Yeah.

Angela Kennecke: Yeah. Well, I love the fact that he was an artist because my daughter also was artist and a

painter and she left us with 29 paintings and we use her art now and the of Emily's Hope. And I know Jack really continues to live on through his art as well.

Bradi Harrison Nathan: Yes, he does. And, you know, like you, you look at those paintings, right? And you're like, Emily actually held that paintbrush and touch that, you know, and, I lost sometimes my hands, to the paintings themselves. And I. Imagine him holding that paintbrush and striking that brushstroke and, I want to ask him so many questions about his artwork now.

Angela Kennecke: I know it was a tangible thing. They left us. And I always say, I wish I would have gone into more deep

with Emily about each piece. I know a little bit about some pieces, [00:24:00] right? But I mean, if I would have obviously known that I wouldn't have her, I would have done

that. But kudos to you for doing all that you do. Where would you like to take Happy Jack from here? you know?

Bradi Harrison Nathan: I don't, I'd be lying I said I did. I, try and do one day at a time because any more than that is overwhelming to me. not unlike Jack. I, I would say my biggest. obstacle or the thing that I wrestle with the most is, looking at happy Jack saying, and I constantly say to myself, well, would Jack would he have done this?

Would he like this? Would he have partnered with this one? Would he? And it's a constant question and, and, and I ruminate over it. And, someone said to me, point blankly, you're not Jack. Stop trying to emulate him. You're not 19. You're, you know, a 53 year old woman who, could have a voice now.

So I started, you know, [00:25:00] speaking on TikTok and sharing a different conversation from a different perspective than the one, you know, he started on Instagram. I'd like to continue the company. I'd like to be able to continue to give back and, you know, for everyone to recognize our story and save some lives.

But right now it's really one day at a time.

Angela Kennecke: I think that's smart. I think all of us should really live that way one day at a time. And I agree. It's, it's nice to keep in mind what Jack would have liked, but also sometimes you do have to make a decision, right? As, as yourself. And this is the way that you should go for you because he will always in a way be with you.

Bradi Harrison Nathan: Yeah, I believe that. I believe that.

Angela Kennecke: Yeah. I really believe that with my daughter

that 

she's with me. It's just, of course, not in the way we, we really want them with us is physically and all of that. 

Bradi Harrison Nathan: I know this sounds crazy, but I often think how crowded it must be upstairs and [00:26:00] with all of our kids. And I just can't even conceive how many of them or how many of us there are. And I try my hardest to envision all of our kids. I, sorry, I get emotional, but as you know

all of them together.

And I'm not saying I wish people would join him, but it gives me comfort to know that he can be with Emily and, and he can be with other kids. Yeah,

Angela Kennecke: send you a link to the podcast I did with a woman named Debbie, who is a caricature artist. And she got as many pictures of kids, this has happened to them all together in heaven, having a great time.

 (MUSIC UP) 

 If you'd like to listen to the episode titled Grieving Mother Copes by Drawing Caricatures of Those Lost in the Fentanyl Epidemic, just check out the show notes in this podcast. While you're there, we would appreciate it if you could rate and review this [00:27:00] episode. It truly helps us further our mission to raise awareness about the fentanyl epidemic that has taken far too many lives.

Angela Kennecke: Here is a segment of our conversation with Debbie Evans, the caricature artist.

Debbie Evans: I draw pictures of Jamie, and who are his angel friends? Oh no, he's got like 2, 000. And when I met you, we had never met before.

Angela Kennecke: And you saw a picture of my daughter and you said what? 

Debbie Evans: That I know her. She's in my pictures. A lot of moms ask me, request, can my child be on your picture?

And then there's some that I just see them and something touches me and she was so beautiful. So beautiful. Yeah. She just, I just thought, yeah, she'd been in all of them since I saw her. 

Angela Kennecke: So you draw these pictures and they're very well done. It's not just a little picture, 

they're huge. And what's happening in the pictures? 

Debbie Evans: Like, Jamie's birthday party. His [00:28:00] birthday in heaven. Yes. Birthday in heaven. 

Angela Kennecke: Cause he would have been 37, is that right? 

From fun birthday parties to Jamie's favorite bacon cheeseburger feasts, Debbie's artwork covers a wide range of scenes. In these drawings, she captures her son doing the things he enjoyed most, surrounded by others who lost their lives to fentanyl. Some of these pieces are Even have more than 2000 faces in them.

Emily was an artist. Maybe that's why she resonated with you. Oh, because she was an artist. Aw. And you have, so you got bacon, cheeseburgers, and hockey and people doing all kinds of things. Yeah. And does this help you? Yes. How? 

Debbie Evans: Just. Give me something to do for 

yeah, they're not alone and we're not alone because we do have each other. And I'm sorry that we're part of this club, but we still have each

other. And I think our [00:29:00] voices are important. So thank you for speaking out. Thank you for carrying

Bradi Harrison Nathan: Thank you for 

everything you do. I'm so grateful for what you do, I, think to myself, I don't know if I have that strength. 

Angela Kennecke: Well, you might surprise yourself down the road. You might end up doing more than even what you're doing now, but what you're doing now is plenty.

Bradi Harrison Nathan: it's 

about all I can handle. So like I said today, I'm okay.

I'm so grateful. Thank you so much

​ (MUSIC UP) 

Angela Kennecke: Thanks for listening to this episode of Grieving Out Loud. We hope you found it helpful as we navigate the addiction, mental health, and fentanyl crisis together. Take care. By sharing these stories, we hope to prevent other families from going through devastating losses. Thanks again. Until next time, wishing you faith, hope, and courage.

 This podcast is produced by Casey Wonnbenberg King.

 (MUSIC UP) [00:30:00]