[00:00:00] Heather Ruzic: So I've literally watched it unfold. I've watched the thousands of mothers join create groups that I was in. It just, yeah, I wish I could have stopped. I really thought I could stop it or at least slow it.

[00:00:20] Angela Kennecke: Heather Ruzic wanted to warn as many people as possible about the danger of illicit fentanyl after her son died in 2015. But she's not only watched a growing number of parents suffer the same tragedy, but the epidemic has also continued to hit her family in unexpected ways. We were, at one time, 

[00:00:41] Heather Ruzic: a family of four, and half of that family is gone.

[00:00:44] Angela Kennecke: Heather's life story reads like something straight out of a movie, or even the plot of several miniseries. But the reality of it all is far from glamorous. 

[00:00:55] Heather Ruzic: After he died, I did go to the doctor and just wanted antidepressants. Nerve pills, like give me whatever. I didn't care. I did do that. 

[00:01:03] Angela Kennecke: Despite grappling with the loss of several loved ones, battling substance use disorder herself, And facing feelings of shame, guilt, and countless other emotions, Heather refused to stay silent.

Instead, she's raising her voice and advocating for change at a time when our country is facing its deadliest drug epidemic in history.

I'm Angela Kenecke, this is Grieving Out Loud. If this is the first time listening to this podcast, welcome. I too know personally the devastating impact of the fentanyl crisis. I lost my 21 year old daughter to the powerful synthetic opioid in 2018. I believe that by raising awareness about the crisis together, we can make a difference and save lives.

Well, Heather, thank you so much for joining me on Grieving Out Loud. It's a pleasure to see you again. We've seen each other in Washington, D. C. at some advocacy events. 

[00:02:18] Heather Ruzic: Yes. Yes. It's good to see you. Those are so important. That's when I feel like I'm actually doing something. It's when my feet are on the ground and I'm in places meeting people and, you know, screaming out loud.

[00:02:31] Angela Kennecke: I think there's a synergy, you know, when we all come together, we all have had not identical experiences, but very similar experiences and there are power. I would say there are power in numbers. 

[00:02:42] Heather Ruzic: Right. Absolutely. I wish there weren't so many numbers. 

[00:02:47] Angela Kennecke: Yeah, I know. I know. Sadly, it gets worse every year.

Heather's journey with substances began at a very young age. She says her dad struggled with substance use disorder, and then she fell in love and married a man who battled alcohol addiction. 

[00:03:06] Heather Ruzic: He had been dealing with that. Since we were teenagers, he was an alcoholic and that's why we divorced. 

[00:03:14] Angela Kennecke: Heather believes the divorce was also traumatic for her two children at the time, especially her son Caleb.

[00:03:21] Heather Ruzic: He was always depressed probably from like six or seven. You know, divorce was about in that age. Um, you lost his grandmother and then a typical kid out of divorce. And then a stepfather who was abusive, verbally, it was a horrible situation. And then once we got out of that, my boys had a bit of freedom.

They were, you know, no longer living under fear of the horrible stepfather, but I guess they kind of had free reign. I had four children. I was going to school and working, so I wasn't, you know, I wasn't always there, but I always thought it's just a phase, you know, he's a typical kid, he skateboards, he listens to music, he's just a, you know, it's just a phase.

I experimented as a teenager with marijuana or whatever, so I thought, he'll grow out of 

[00:04:14] Angela Kennecke: it. Instead of growing out of it, Caleb fell further into his substance use disorder. By age 16, he was grappling with severe meth addiction. He was 

actually 

[00:04:25] Heather Ruzic: kidnapped at 18 for like a 20 drug deal going bad, which he just wanted to keep the pills for himself, like it's like 30.

These eight baseball players kidnapped him, tortured him for two hours, like put cigarettes out on him. broke his knee with a bat, had footprints with grass embedded in his back, it was horrible. But he felt like he deserved that. He never wanted to give up their names. He just felt like he deserved it, and that's the place he was in.

That's where addicts stand. They feel like they deserve what happens to them. They deserve to be treated like crap because they chose that. That's what they feel. 

[00:05:07] Angela Kennecke: We've talked to several people about the shame of substance use disorder. including Tom Wolfe, who got addicted to prescription painkillers following foot surgery.

[00:05:17] Tom Wolf: Addiction, it's a disease of the mind. It's been well documented. It's a disease of the mind in which addiction actually implants itself in your basic brain functions of your survival instinct. And, of course, every time that I would prioritize it, I felt more and more guilt, more and more shame, stigmatizing myself.

Wasn't that anyone was stigmatizing me. I was stigmatizing myself. I was beating myself up because I felt bad that I couldn't be there for my kids. I felt bad that when it was time to read a bedtime story to my daughter, I was passing out. and not able to do it. And they would ask me questions like, Dad, Daddy, why are you sleeping all the time?

[00:05:53] Angela Kennecke: I know my daughter was ashamed because I found a writing in her journal after she died addressing shame. So I think most people who are using, I mean, they don't want to be using, they know it's not right. A part of them knows, right? 

[00:06:05] Tom Wolf: That's right. 

[00:06:06] Angela Kennecke: And so there's so much self shame that they don't even need anybody else to shame them.

[00:06:11] Tom Wolf: And the irony is, is that, you know, I wanted to stop. But I couldn't stop. I couldn't. I can't stress that enough to anyone out there that's never experienced addiction. Imagine trying to stop something that, if you do, your body has a visceral reaction to actually stopping it. 

[00:06:27] Angela Kennecke: Meanwhile, Caleb was really struggling with that shame following the assault.

His mom decided a move may provide a fresh start. 

[00:06:36] Heather Ruzic: He got over the meth addiction. We moved right after he got jumped and beat up. We moved and he went to live with his dad and I didn't know his dad was also, I knew he was a drinker, but I didn't know he was using pills, which he didn't come from his dad, but I'm sure that they partake.

Together, probably

[00:06:58] Angela Kennecke: at 20 years old, Caleb took what he thought was a Percocet, but it ended up being a deadly amount of fentanyl. 

[00:07:05] Heather Ruzic: It was 2015 when Asher didn't know that they existed, 

[00:07:09] Angela Kennecke: right? I don't think most people did in 2015, even in 2018. When my daughter died, people were just starting to talk about fentanyl. Really? So I'm sure he didn't know the family would soon know even more about fentanyl after Caleb's death his father Heather's ex husband also died from fentanyl poisoning 

[00:07:29] Heather Ruzic: and to be honest.

I have a lot of bitter feelings Towards him for the death of Caleb because he knew what was going on and didn't tell me in time So I was very bitter towards him But yes, it is it is horrible and he had been dealing with that since we were teenagers He was an alcoholic and that's why we divorced. So I guess he you know, after we separated, he turned to 

[00:07:54] Angela Kennecke: pills.

Heather has another son, Spencer, with her ex husband. She says watching him struggle with the losses of both his brother and father has been extremely challenging and emotionally draining. 

[00:08:09] Heather Ruzic: To see my son hurt, that, that's where we, you know, my son is really hurt by that and it is sad. We were at one time a family of four and half of that family is gone.

So yeah. 

[00:08:23] Angela Kennecke: You mentioned divorce. You mentioned an abusive stepfather. And I think as mothers, we all carry a lot of guilt with us when we have a child who struggles and ultimately dies. Do you struggle with that? 

[00:08:41] Heather Ruzic: Oh yeah. Yeah, a lot. A lot actually. And it still comes up because I have a son still today, he's 26, who's had to live through all this great that I've lived, experience with his dad and his brother.

And he struggles with substance abuse to this day, which is He's okay right now, but that's this week, so, you know, but he, he just can't bear so much grief at such a young age. So how do you cope with your grief and your guilt? Initially it was alcohol and then I had a bunch surgery and it was pain pills.

So that's kind of how I got there. The one thing I 

[00:09:19] Angela Kennecke: wanted to really point out to our listeners is that your family has been ravaged by the opioid epidemic. 

[00:09:27] Heather Ruzic: Absolutely. 

[00:09:28] Angela Kennecke: Yeah. Absolutely. 

[00:09:29] Heather Ruzic: After he died, I did go to the doctor and just wanted antidepressants, nerve pills, like give me whatever. I didn't care. I did do that, but I did have a surgery.

It's a long, long story. We don't have time for it, but I was left with implants and the medical tool device was in there for eight years and it caused like nickel poisoning and it was, I was really sick. So the hysterectomy and I was taking pills right before the hysterectomy and pretty much didn't stop until about three years ago.

Did you know you were addicted? Yeah, cause my pills weren't lasting all month. Where's your tolerance built at? And I tried to tell my doctor, I was, I was educated enough by now. And I was trying to tell her, I was like, these aren't working anymore. And she's like, you probably just need to take a hydrocodone vacation.

And I'm like, what? Just like, stop taking them for a week and they'll work again. Okay, let me, let me withdraw for a week.

[00:10:28] Angela Kennecke: Thankfully, Heather asked if she could be on Suboxone, a prescription medication approved by the FDA to treat opioid use disorder. However, the medication has been controversial because it's an opioid partial agonist, but it causes much less euphoria than other opioids. And in many cases, people use Suboxone to manage withdrawal, or even get themselves off of heroin, prescription pills, It is the preferred treatment for opioid use disorder.

[00:11:00] Heather Ruzic: I hate that it's so stigmatized. So Suboxone helped you? Instantly, which I hated. The first clinic I went to was really bad and you had to be there every day for like three hours and it was very hard with working and having kids at home. It was hard, but I found a doctor that's actually my family doctor.

She's the only MAT provider in our county. But it was, it was an instant. Like, from the first day, I never wanted, I never craved a pill. It was done. 

[00:11:29] Angela Kennecke: Wow. You are a walking, talking testament for medically assisted treatment for opioid use disorder. 

[00:11:37] Heather Ruzic: It's amazing. And people, they stigmatize it so badly and think you're trading one drug for another, but I am not getting high.

I'm just not getting withdrawals. I'm not in withdrawals. I'm not, Trying to seek drugs. I'm living my life, going to work, and I'm doing fine, which, and now with sublocade, there's an out. So if people are worried about getting on MAP, then how am I going to get off that sublocade? There's plenty of people that have gotten off of suboxone with sublocade with zero withdrawals.

and they're fine. Like it worked. Do you still take Suboxone? I do. I do because that surgery left me with a lot of damage and arthritis and I'm, I'm honestly scared to come off of it. I still live with pain, but I am a little nervous to come off. Yeah. 

[00:12:24] Angela Kennecke: Sure. And I, I know a young woman, a mother who's functioning, we have her story on our website and she has been on MAT for five years and has been doing beautifully.

So we don't ask diabetics to get off their medication. We don't ask people with heart disease to get off of their medication. Why do we ask people suffering from substance use disorder to get off of their medication? 

[00:12:43] Heather Ruzic: Right. I did a lot of research. It was a big decision to give up my prescription of 90 pills a month.

Versus going and signing my life away to say I'm a drug seeker or whatever they put in your file to where I'll never get pain pills again, whether it's a surgery or whatever. So that's what you're signing away. So it's a big decision, but I did the research and I seen that some don't label it as pain pills.

pain medication or to manage pain, but it can be used to manage pain and I do live with pain. So, I just felt like it was the safest way. I'm not going to run out. I'm not going to have to worry about getting it from the street, you know. It was the best thing for me and it worked.

[00:13:27] Angela Kennecke: Unfortunately, the family's struggles with substance use disorder don't stop there. Heather's other son, Spencer, has also battled addiction. So, obviously, substance use disorder runs in families. For and their dad struggled since he was a teenager. You have yourself struggled. So it's logical that your kids would struggle, right?

[00:13:51] Heather Ruzic: Both their grandfathers. Oh yeah. 

[00:13:55] Angela Kennecke: So how is 

[00:13:55] Heather Ruzic: Spencer doing 

[00:13:56] Angela Kennecke: today? 

[00:13:57] Heather Ruzic: Today he's good. You know, I'm trying to convince him to go to treatment, but he went Rooley and that's where they, they just sent him to treatment forcefully. Like he didn't have a choice, but so he's pretty against treatment, but He has survived so many things.

Like he just openly told me that he overdosed after his grandfather's funeral. So he went to the grandfather's funeral, who is his dad's dad. So I guess he thought he was going to get some closure and get to go to the house and see where Caleb lived. His dad stayed and granddad and his grandmother at one time when she was living, but the house was already sold.

So he didn't get to go, you know, and get that closure just to see Caleb's and his dad's room. And then the car broke down and he just decided to find drugs and he did, and he told me that he overdosed, and some homeless person knocked him twice. He has survived, like he has a purpose to be here, like he has survived getting shot at, he has survived so many things, and he's probably overdosed more than that, one other time I know of, but he only recently started admitting this, that he's been using fentanyl, like, he's just so depressed.

[00:15:18] Angela Kennecke: It's hard to imagine. I think those of us who have not suffered from substance use disorder and who also now the whole world knows the word fentanyl, right? And how dangerous it is and how little it takes to kill someone. It's hard to fathom why people seek that out, right? 

[00:15:34] Heather Ruzic: Right. Yeah. So I've watched it go from heroin to fentanyl.

I don't like it when people say they're seeking fentanyl, they're seeking fentanyl. Well, they are, but Because they've become accustomed to it because that's all there is there is no heroin. So yeah, good point if you're a dick and you need to Not be in withdrawals and not be sick and you're already addicted.

You don't have much to choose from it's going to be fentanyl So, I mean technically they are seeking fentanyl, but that's all there is 

[00:16:07] Angela Kennecke: And we should explain the reason that there's very little heroin left out there on the market anymore is because fentanyl is so cheap and easy that has basically replaced heroin and it's obviously a much more powerful potent opioid.

Have you lost a loved one to overdose or fentanyl poisoning? I'd like to invite you to share their story on our new Emily's Hope Memorial website called more than just a number. They were our children, siblings, cousins, husbands. Wives, aunts, uncles. friends. So much more than just a number. You can submit a memorial today on morethanjustanumber.

org.

We've talked with lots of experts on that topic here on Grieving Out Loud, including DEA agent special agent in charge, Justin King. 

[00:17:02] DEA Special Agent Justin King: The synthetic drug does not have a growing season. It does not have a product. They don't have to have the manual labor. To do all that. And, you know, I've worked in Afghanistan in the poppy fields and eradicating that and, and it's a very tedious process to produce.

heroin from that. Once you get that going, it's the same thing with marijuana growing. So anything synthetic, there's a higher profit margin. And plus they make an unlimited supply of it. And you just did a building to make it in a building, but they, a lot of times we'll make it in the middle of a jungle or they'll make it, you know, somewhere in a rural area because it takes a lot of laboratories to make the products.

[00:17:39] Angela Kennecke: And so you mentioned that heroin was coming in for a while, but now Is there much heroin or is it just all fentanyl? We 

[00:17:45] DEA Special Agent Justin King: have seen a decline in heroin seizures significantly. There still are heroin seizures, we still do, but with the fentanyl seizures, like we said, it's a lower overhead product. They don't have to put as much money into it and they will produce that.

And their profit margins are extremely high because of it. 

[00:18:01] Angela Kennecke: It's all about profit. 

[00:18:02] DEA Special Agent Justin King: All, all about profit. And first we saw the heroin, some fentanyl mixed into it, and then evolved to just pure fentanyl. Fentanyl, and then they started making the fake pills to look like the prescription drugs. 

[00:18:16] Angela Kennecke: And those counterfeit pills are partially to blame for the increase in fentanyl poisoning deaths.

In fact, new research published in the International Journal of Drug Policy finds that law enforcement is seizing a skyrocketing number of fake prescription pills laced with fentanyl, more than 115 million pills in 2023 compared to about 71 million in 2022. and less than 50, 000 in 2017. You can read more news headlines like this on our website, emilyshope.

charity. We've posted a link in the show notes of this podcast. You've been through so much. How do you take care of yourself and how do you cope with your own grief? And then I'm sure your fear and worry about Spencer now. I mean, like you said, half of your original family is gone. Yeah. 

[00:19:07] Heather Ruzic: I mean, I have kids, so I live for them.

I have two girls, teenagers, and I have Spencer's daughter, who's six. So, I mean, that's really what I do. I just, you know, I have the other kids. How are your girls doing? Any indication that they might also suffer from this? No, they're great. I mean, they've been through a lot, but they 

[00:19:30] Angela Kennecke: yeah, 

[00:19:31] Heather Ruzic: they're doing good.

I don't know that be later on, you know, I don't know. 

[00:19:35] Angela Kennecke: I bet you're kind of just sitting there like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, that's how I think I would feel if I were in your situation. 

[00:19:42] Heather Ruzic: Yeah. 

[00:19:43] Angela Kennecke: I 

[00:19:43] Heather Ruzic: think the girls are good, they have goals, they're doing good in school still. Kinsley is Spencer's daughter who, that would be the one I'd probably worry about other than Spencer.

Because she's now, she's been raised by a grandmother, that's scary. Cause you know, those kids grow up and think, why did my mom not want me? Or why was I, you know, I can imagine how they feel, like abandoned. But, which Spencer is still around, but he's working on himself. He's got some work to do. He's not really 

[00:20:14] Angela Kennecke: ready to be a full father figure.

[00:20:18] Heather Ruzic: Yeah. What about the mother? She, um, as far as I know is still 

[00:20:23] Angela Kennecke: in active addiction. That's so sad. I think people do forget about the children and about all the grandparents raising grandchildren. Yeah. There are so 

[00:20:32] Heather Ruzic: many grandparents raising grandchildren. So many. I work for the state with public assistance and I see a lot of grandmothers raising grandchildren, Raising more than one grandchild, dad.

[00:20:46] Angela Kennecke: Yeah, so what do you think some of the solutions are to get us to a healthier place in this country? Well, 

[00:20:54] Heather Ruzic: just stop stigmatizing for one. I mean stigmas in the pharmacy Stigmas at the doctor's office. I think we need to de stigmatize math because I mean I've seen it work wonders If someone is truly ready to stop that will help them.

That's a great tool This, the stigma is horrible and we need more recovery. If you don't have insurance, you've got to wait on that grant bid and they may be ready that day, but you know, seven days later when that bid opens up, they might not be ready. 

[00:21:27] Angela Kennecke: And you make it an incredible point about stigma at the doctor's office, at the pharmacy, because what's one of the initiatives we're working on at Emily's Hope is to help reduce the stigma.

I'm actually. Emily. Speaking to health care providers about the stigma that my daughter faced, going to the doctor, seeking help, some of the mistakes that were made along the way. Because physicians and other medical professionals don't have enough training in addiction and they have their own preconceived ideas about it.

And we're also working really hard to destigmatize MAT. Now that the X waiver is gone and anybody can prescribe it, we need more prescribers. 

[00:22:07] Heather Ruzic: I'm afraid some doctors just don't want to deal with it though. Right. But yeah, I'm more stigmatized at the pharmacy when I get my Suboxone filled than I was when I was getting my hydrocodone filled.

[00:22:20] Angela Kennecke: Really. 

[00:22:21] Heather Ruzic: And tell me what that feels like. What happens? So my doctor had prescribed me a Lotus pain pill when I like had a nerve, a disc bulging in my neck, and they were just like, when I speak to your doctor, I'm going to let her know how we feel about this. And you can't, it's one or the other, it's one or the other.

And now that you've come and tried to feel this narcotic when you're on Suboxone, we will not be filling your prescriptions anytime in the future. I was just like, what? I'm just doing what my doctor said. Like I have always done what my doctor said, I went from one doctor with pain medications to one doctor to Spox and I've always been under doctor's care, you know, but yeah, it was horrible.

I was like, so when my medicines do like, you know, in a couple of weeks, I can't get it. She's like, no, they know me well, they know my name when it comes up there. What did you do? Did you, were you able to resolve that issue? I submitted the complaint and then when my medicine was due to fill, I did get it, which she did not feel the pain medicine, which she said it wouldn't work anyway, probably, and probably wouldn't, which.

I was gonna have carpal tunnel surgery and I've talked to the doctor and he said some doctors will just let you continue with the suboxone and then that you'll just have to get like a toroidal shot, take ibuprofen 800 and just deal with the pain from there because suboxone has some pain relief, but not as much as pain medications, but you sure can't take both to the pharmacy or you'll get screamed at.

[00:23:50] Angela Kennecke: Wow, that seems really unfair because it seems like if they had an issue with it, they should have called the doctor and discussed it with the doctor instead of blaming you, the patient, 

[00:24:00] Heather Ruzic: right? Yeah, it definitely made me feel like, you know, a piece of trash. I was just doing what the doctor said, you know, which I think that yes, The ex waiver and the doctors can do it, but I'm really afraid they don't want to.

We have one in this county and our mental health providers are going away. We have little to none in this county and the ones that are here are leaving. So this county is going to have one provider and no mental health providers. So it's, it's bad. 

[00:24:32] Angela Kennecke: It sounds like we really have a huge need for public funding of both mental health and substance use disorder recovery.

All of this, and it's just not happening in so many areas. We know that, that people don't get the help they need in jails, and many prisons, and almost all crime that we see today is fueled by addiction. 

[00:24:57] Heather Ruzic: And we can't arrest our way out of this? 

[00:25:00] Angela Kennecke: No, and every law enforcement person I have talked to says that.

We cannot arrest our, they know that, right? It's just that, that's the system we have in place. We don't have an alternative system in place. 

[00:25:12] Heather Ruzic: Right. So we need more physicians to sign up to BMAP providers and just people to be open to, you know, stop stigmatizing. It's everywhere. I mean, it's in my workplace.

I have to hear it pretty often. I'll just say, let's just stop this conversation now. I did get my peer recovery specialist certification, but I haven't been able to use it yet. That's 

[00:25:33] Angela Kennecke: great. And peer recovery specialists are going to be playing a very big role because they're, as you said, there are not enough addiction counselors.

There are not enough people to help. We're turning to peer recovery support specialists in my organization to help us because that's who we have and if you're trained and you've had that lived experience, it can be very valuable. 

[00:25:54] Heather Ruzic: Yeah, I just want to help. I just want to help people. I want them to know they're not worthless.

They are worthy of living and being respected. 

[00:26:03] Angela Kennecke: Thank you for going through that training and thank you for wanting to get back to help others. 

[00:26:08] Heather Ruzic: Yeah, 

[00:26:08] Angela Kennecke: I mean, what else would I do? What else would we do? I think that we're all working in our children's names to try to make a difference so other people don't know this pain.

And I'm so sorry for everything that you've been through. I'm very proud of you for speaking out about it and for sharing your own personal struggle as well. Thank you. I'm sure I will be seeing you down the road, probably in Washington, D. C. at some point or some other kind of rally or advocacy forum that we are at.

I really do appreciate you sharing the story and again, I'm so sorry for the losses that you've had to endure and the struggles. with addiction within your family. 

[00:26:49] Heather Ruzic: Thank you. Yeah, it's hard. Hopefully, you know, like you said, we have power in numbers and if we all just keep working towards it, hopefully we can make a change.

[00:27:07] Angela Kennecke: And we invite you too, to join us in pushing for that change. Head over to emilyshope. charity to find ways you can get involved in the fight against fentanyl while reducing the stigma surrounding substance use disorder. And increasing accessibility to treatment. I want to thank you for listening to Grieving Out Loud.

And please, give us a five star review. Be sure to join us next week for another episode. Until next time, wishing you faith, hope, and courage. This podcast is produced by Kayson Wannenberg King and Anna Fye.