[00:00:00] Angela Kennecke: Wine Wednesday, Mom Juice, Liquid Courage. Our culture has all kinds of cute catchphrases encouraging people to drink. In fact, excessive drinking is often normalized. Unfortunately, it's also one of the leading preventable causes of death in the U. S., with more than 380 Americans dying every day. 

[00:00:26] Kylee Hanson: I hung out with people who told me, you know, it's okay to drink in the morning even.

I was drinking all the time then, morning, noon, and night. I had a close who introduced me to hard definitely where it took 

[00:00:41] Angela Kennecke: episode of grieving out l felt honest and hopeful c Hanson, whose battle with began almost from her ver Her mother opens up about watching her own 

[00:00:59] Dawn Hanson: daughter You can't protect 

[00:01:02] Kylee Hanson: him.

Yo 

[00:01:03] Dawn Hanson: You just, 

[00:01:05] Angela Kennecke: you can't. Thankfully, Kylie decided to seek help, but her struggles were far from over. Kylie lost her job and her insurance and had no way to pay for 

[00:01:15] Dawn Hanson: treatment. I could see her already being scared. You know, I'm not going to be 

[00:01:19] Kylee Hanson: able to stay here. I'm going to have to leave. I like to say this is life or death for me and I probably would have died.

You know, to be honest.

[00:01:34] Angela Kennecke: Welcome to Grieving Out Loud. I'm your host, Angela Kenecke. In this episode, we delve into Kylie's journey, her moments of resilience, the hurdles that she overcame, and the instrumental role of an Emily's Hope Treatment Scholarship in her recovery. Through this conversation, my aim is to leave you with a sense of optimism, reminding you that no matter the challenge that life presents, it can be confronted with determination.

Join me now as I sit down for this very candid conversation with 

[00:02:05] Dawn Hanson: Kylie.

[00:02:11] Kylee Hanson: I would say at the age of 13, I started drinking. I went to visit my sister, which my sister is seven years older than me. So she was living in Minneapolis and I was 13 and I went to visit there and it was New Year's Eve. And so, she was young, and her and her friends wanted to go out to the bar, so they left me home alone at her place, and they had alcohol there, and I decided to drink it, and I was like, why not?

I never have. This'll be fun. So I did, and I remember, I was just like, watching a scary movie on TV, drinking Bacardi Razz, and, The end. You know, the very first time I drank, I got so drunk that I blacked out. That's not normal, right? I mean, my sister came home and found me passed out on the bathroom floor, thought I was pretty much dead.

I was very sick that first time.

[00:03:15] Angela Kennecke: Despite getting sick, Kylie kept on experimenting with alcohol. At just 14, drinking became a regular part of her life.

[00:03:26] Kylee Hanson: I had a job ever since I was 14, old enough to have a job. I worked at Taco John's, and my siblings had worked there prior before me. So I already knew people, I knew older people, I always hung out with older people. And I also started smoking weed when I worked there. And it was just kind of like fun, you know, we would get done with school, get high, go to work.

I was only 14, so I had to be off at like 7 or 8 p. m., but we would all hang out and party together. And that's definitely where it started to progress. I had older people that was able to buy me alcohol. And there were such things as road parties in a small town, and You know, everyone drank. It was just normal.

Okay, kids. This is our Uncle Yeager. That's right, drink up. We got an anonymous tip. There's some underage drinking going on here. Hutch? Hell no, man. 

[00:04:30] Angela Kennecke: I've been at the door all night. Whether it's in the movies like Van Wilder or real life, underage drinking has been somewhat normalized in America for decades.

But it's extremely risky. Not only can it lead to alcohol poisoning and car crashes, but according to the CDC, young people who drink alcohol can have changes in their brain development that may affect them for life. They're also more likely to get lower grades, suffer memory problems, engage in unprotected sex, experience physical and sexual violence, and have a higher risk of suicide and homicide.

Unfortunately for Kylie, binge drinking wasn't just a phase during her teenage years. 

[00:05:11] Kylee Hanson: I was 16 years old when my brother passed away from a motorcycle accident, and he also liked to use drugs, and he would use Meth, I believe. I don't know. I was a lot younger. I would smell him smoking weed, and I always thought it was cool.

And so, after he passed, I took that very hard, and my mother took it very hard, and she drank a lot during that time. She almost died from drinking too much. And, you know, I felt like I had to be the strong person for her. And at that time, I would say I definitely started drinking a lot more. I was self harming.

And cutting myself and my mom and my boyfriend at the time, like took me aside, almost had like a little intervention with me and just told me how much that hurt them and they never wanted me to do it again. I just 

[00:06:05] Dawn Hanson: felt like I had lost her in that time after my son died. I was in my own grief and she was kind of hanging with her friends a lot and would always ask her, what, what are you doing?

And she just. Merle never told me anything. I had no clue. You know, I knew she was smoking marijuana, and I was just like, well And she was with her boyfriend 

[00:06:31] Kylee Hanson: all the time. And I really did stop for the most part. I mean, there were a few other times, but really

[00:06:44] Angela Kennecke: But it didn't completely resolve Kylie's struggles with substance abuse. When she went to college and moved away from home, Kylie found herself surrounded by the wrong crowd, and she slipped back into binge drinking. Except this time, it was even worse. 

[00:07:01] Kylee Hanson: First time I lived completely like on my own without my mom and my family there to watch.

You know, I hung out with people who told me, you know, it's okay to drink in the morning, even I was drinking all the time then morning, noon and night. I had a close guy who introduced me to hard liquor. And that's definitely where it took off there. I would buy a handle like a big old bottle of Captain Morgan and a big old two liter of pop.

And I would just drink it like that. And I continue to do that for years and years, years, years. What 

[00:07:38] Dawn Hanson: about other 

[00:07:39] Kylee Hanson: substances during that time? Ever since I was young, I was experimenting with stuff, like my high school prom, I did ecstasy. Like, we would have parties where everyone would be on ecstasy. It was just normal, you know?

I tried acid. I've done everything but the hard stuff in my mind, you know? Like heroin and now with the fentanyl and everything. I was very fortunate that I didn't. Get addicted to something like that. I even tried meth when I lived out in the hills, and I guess I'm lucky I didn't like it or something, or I just like knew that I probably would become addicted.

One time we went to 

[00:08:17] Dawn Hanson: visit her when she lived in Rapid, and my granddaughter went to take a drink out of her glass. That was sitting by her bed and it had alcohol in it. It was like in the morning I was shocked every time we would try to do anything as a family. She'd be sick She'd come with us, but she didn't feel good the whole time and even you know My granddaughter was like, why are you always sick?

I should have faced it a long time ago But how do you I didn't know how how hard is that as a mom to watch? Hard you can't protect him. You're taught to protect your child, you know, and You just, you 

[00:08:58] Kylee Hanson: can't. They have to do it. I'm lucky in the past I've never killed anyone or hurt myself by driving drunk.

I've driven drunk so many times. When I lived out in the hills I got two DUIs, back to back. I spent 20 days in Sturgis Jail. So, I mean, and I didn't learn back then, that was 10 years ago. Yeah, but you know, I mean you have a disease of the brain. 

[00:09:22] Dawn Hanson: So I think punishment doesn't work, right? 

[00:09:25] Kylee Hanson: I wasn't ready to change then I didn't even Consider myself to have a problem really 

[00:09:31] Dawn Hanson: tell 

[00:09:31] Angela Kennecke: me what kind of problems did your addiction cause in your life?

[00:09:36] Kylee Hanson: I Was dating another alcoholic for 10 years after treatment. I broke up with him and That was just a very toxic relationship, as much as we loved each other and everything, it even got physical. There's many times the cops have been called to our house, I've gone to jail before over that, like even though I felt I was doing whatever I did in defense, it doesn't matter.

My mother, I've had to call her so many times in the middle of the night to come and help me, and she's just been terrified to lose another child, that's her biggest fear. And that is by far the best thing about being sober, that she doesn't have to worry as she, you know.

[00:10:18] Angela Kennecke: And worry Dawn did for years. Not only was her daughter facing legal and relationship trouble, But she also ended up in the hospital several times for something you may not suspect.

[00:10:32] Kylee Hanson: I've been diagnosed with something called cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome. And so when I was heavy into addiction, my daily life was just sick every single day. I would throw up all day long. And one of the main things that would help me feel better is to take a hot shower. And so now with all that, there are new studies coming out with the CHS.

where people, long term, daily marijuana users develop something and it's in cycles where you throw up and it's non stop like that and then the only thing they say that helps is to completely quit smoking. Well, I've never believed that marijuana could do anything bad to me, I believe in its good qualities, but They don't know why it affects some people and not others, but definitely people that have used long term daily and they have that, the hot shower thing seems to help people for some reason.

So, they have been telling me for probably 8 years that this is going on and I just assumed and blamed the alcohol and hangovers, but I'm sure it was all combined too. But, One of the last times I was in the hospital, I've been in the hospital several times over the years for this, and I just fully, finally believe that that has to do with the marijuana too.

So, what's the point of living if you feel like that? I've recycled it. It was the worst thing. What 

[00:12:11] Dawn Hanson: brought you to the point to get help? 

[00:12:13] Kylee Hanson: I wanted to quit for so many years, like I said, I've wound up in the hospital, I spent three days in the hospital in 2021, and it scared me into wanting to be sober, and I tried, and I was like, four months sober, but I feel like I was also lying to people that I was sober when I wasn't, so.

You really just have to be honest with yourself. That's where it begins, you know, my family, I hurt them by being sick and I become very angry and hurtful, say very hurtful things that I can't take back. So, yeah, I've tried and wanted to get sober for years and, you know, one day I woke up August 15th, 2022, and I just said, I don't want to live like this anymore.

And I'm like, if I'm going to feel like death, then I would rather die than feel this way, but I chose 

[00:13:15] Dawn Hanson: to live.

On 

[00:13:19] Angela Kennecke: that crucial day, Kylie called her mom, urgently asking for help. Dawn acted quickly, driving her to Sioux Falls, South Dakota, where Kylie became a patient at the Avera Addiction Care Center. Yet things weren't easy, compounded Kylie had just lost her job, and as a result,

[00:13:41] Kylee Hanson: The past year prior to going to treatment, I was working for a place and teaching preschool, and I absolutely am very passionate about working with kids. I love kids, and I don't have any kids of my own, but that's where all that love comes in. And school was about to start again, it was August, and to me, instead of like looking forward to it, it felt like an impending doom.

And I'm sure that was part of my depression and anxiety and part of, you know, I had the summer off. I was like, Oh, I'm gonna do so many fun things this summer. And instead, it just gave me a lot of time to drink. And I was sick all the time, like I said. And I even drank with my coworkers and stuff from there.

They knew where I was at mentally and in my addiction. And. They wanted me to get help, and so the first day of school came, and I had gone out with my coworkers the night before, but they all made it to work, and I didn't, and so technically, I no call no showed, and the very next day is when I decided to go to treatment, and they told me that since I no call no showed, that I was losing my job, which really, really was hard, but they were so supportive, they just wanted me to get help, so I I had insurance through them, Avera Insurance, which was awesome because I was, you know, going to be going to an Avera place, but then I was losing my insurance within the next month and it's obviously not cheap to go there.

So I had talked to people on the phone, I had talked to my insurance and they had suggested Cobra, even for one month, the Cobra was well over a thousand dollars. It was like 1, 300. I didn't have that kind of money, but my mom is very supportive and she's like, you know, no matter what, we'll get through that.

Like, let's just do whatever we got to do. I paid the Cobra 

[00:15:51] Dawn Hanson: and it was like 1, 300. I paid it one month and then we found out it was going to have to be paid again. I was just like, I can't, I can't do it. I am a single person. I, my boss even took me aside and said, I don't want you worrying about this. I'll give you the money.

She gave me half and then when we had to do it again, I was like, I can't do this and when they told her don't, she was, I could see her already being scared, you know, I'm not going to be able to stay 

[00:16:20] Kylee Hanson: here. I'm going to have to leave. I was really scared that I was going to get kicked out of there. And so I went to my counselor and I explained to her everything and she was like, don't worry about that at all.

Like, that's not what you need to be worrying about. Focus on your sobriety and your work and everything. And. We have scholarships for that.

[00:16:44] Angela Kennecke: The scholarship was through Emily's Hope, the nonprofit behind this podcast, Grieving Out Loud. If you're not familiar with our charity, I started it after my 21 year old daughter, Emily died from fentanyl poisoning. I've channeled my pain into purpose to try to prevent others from going through the same devastation I've experienced.

In addition to raising awareness about substance use disorder and our nation's drug crisis, Emily's Hope has also developed a substance use prevention curriculum for schools and donates money toward treatment scholarships.

[00:17:21] Kylee Hanson: So, Emily's Hope paid for my COBRA so that I could remain in treatment. And I'm so thankful for that. And it just took all the worry away too, because I was so scared. I didn't want to leave. I wasn't ready. I wasn't in a place where I could keep going. And so it was a godsend, you know. What do 

[00:17:41] Angela Kennecke: you think would have happened if you would have had to leave treatment at that point because you didn't have the 

[00:17:44] Kylee Hanson: insurance?

I have no idea. I think I probably would have given up hope and I probably would have, you know, I, I like to say this is life or death for me and I probably would have died, you know, to be honest. I was at that place.

[00:18:06] Angela Kennecke: Thankfully, Kylie was able to get the help she needed. She says her time at the Avera Addiction Care Center was truly life changing, as she not only abstained from alcohol and drugs, but also learned ways to avoid relapse and improve her mental health. 

[00:18:24] Kylee Hanson: It is mind, body, and spirit. It's a whole thing. They keep you extremely busy.

You're in classes all day long. I like to call it sober college because Everyone was in class and we were learning stuff that everyone should learn about to cope and deal with your problems of daily life instead of drowning yourself out and numbing the pain. All of the counselors and the staff were very easy to connect to and talk to because most of them have been in treatment or in recovery and so they know what it's like and I just fully connected with them.

I was really close with Dr. Mark. He's the grief counselor, and he helped me so much. I told him things I'd never told anyone, and it just, I finally started to deal with stuff rather than letting it go. Ruined me, did my life. 

[00:19:22] Angela Kennecke: Listeners, I wanna take a moment to recommend Sagely speaking with Mary Bono, a podcast that offers insightful conversations on a range of important topics.

Mary, a former congresswoman and my guest on grieving out loud hosts this thought provoking show. It features expert interviews on social issues, politics, and personal development. Join the enlightening discussions on Sagely Speaking with Mary Bono, available on your favorite podcast platform. Looking back on your substance use, 

[00:19:55] Dawn Hanson: do you have compassion for yourself?

[00:19:57] Kylee Hanson: You know, it was really hard. I had to work a lot during the treatment and therapy to have self love. I was in a place where I didn't believe I even deserved good things. And I don't know why. I just can't. I don't know where that comes from. I'm sure just the bad things in my mind that I've done over the years under the influence of drugs and alcohol.

[00:20:21] Angela Kennecke: Emily's hope not only helped out with Kylie's treatment expenses, but also gave Dawn a chance to attend family days, a two day retreat where families learn more about substance use disorder and ways to support their loved ones. 

[00:20:37] Dawn Hanson: Teach you how to deal with your family member when they get out of treatment.

And how we feel as having a family member that's addicted. We became very good friends with the people we were with because we were all going through the 

[00:20:53] Kylee Hanson: same thing. My family is the biggest support system I have and I just don't know where I would be without them. Every little thing helps and I'm so thankful that they would do that for me.

I mean, they're my biggest cheerleaders. And 

[00:21:07] Dawn Hanson: everybody thinks that it's so easy for her. They all think she's just, they don't see the hard times, you know.

[00:21:17] Angela Kennecke: Don shares that that training wasn't only helpful in her personal life, but also professionally. As a nurse, she gained valuable insights into understanding substance use disorder and how to relate to patients. 

[00:21:31] Dawn Hanson: It's made me a lot more compassionate for my patients because we always think, Oh, they just want to drink.

They don't want to get better. But now I'm like, you guys don't know. Everybody's been through things that we know nothing about. And now you have hope? I have hope. Lots of hope. I have 

[00:21:51] Kylee Hanson: my daughter back. She's 

[00:21:55] Dawn Hanson: the daughter I knew at 13 because, 

[00:21:57] Kylee Hanson: you know, I've not known her in all these 

[00:22:00] Dawn Hanson: years without her addictions.

What is keeping you in 

[00:22:05] Kylee Hanson: recovery right now? To just not feel the way I felt. How do you feel now? Tell me about your life now. Even just yesterday, I was just so thankful in the middle of the day to be going out in public and not having to worry that I'm gonna get ill and be sick somewhere or have to high drinking so that I can enjoy whatever I'm doing.

I've literally thought I had to drink to even do anything and I did physically. I would be sick otherwise. And just being proud of myself, you know? I am proud of myself. Because it does take work every single day.

[00:22:53] Angela Kennecke: Work that millions of Americans are undertaking every day. According to the latest government data, more than one in six Americans suffer from substance use disorder, an increase of 2. 5 million people in just a year.

[00:23:11] Kylee Hanson: I would say that addiction does not discriminate between the privileged or the beautiful or the smart. It could be anyone. It could be Me, it can be your daughter, Emily. It's not just the people you think that need help. Everyone deserves a chance.

[00:23:40] Angela Kennecke: And our mission at Emily's Hope is to extend that chance to more people. To explore our programs, visit the Emily's Hope website at emilyshope. charity. You can also find a link in the show notes of this podcast. While you're there, we'd greatly appreciate your support through positive reviews and sharing this episode with your friends and family.

Your engagement is crucial in advancing our mission to raise awareness about our nation's deadly drug epidemic. Reduce the stigma surrounding substance use disorder and connect more people with the help they urgently need. Thank you for spending your time understanding one of the most significant crises facing our nation.

We hope you found this podcast informative and helpful. Join us every Wednesday for a new episode of Grieving Out Loud. I'm Angela Kenecke, wishing you faith, hope, and courage. This podcast is produced by Casey Wannenberg King and Anna Fye.