[00:00:00] Fawna Asfaw: by the time my mom was, end of life and ended up passing away, I was. Absolutely devastated. The grief was unbearable. I mean, I've never experienced pain this strong

 (MUSIC UP!) 

[00:00:17] Angela Kennecke: Imagine being Fawna Asfaw, an only child who had her world turned upside down when she lost, not one, but both of her parents at a young age. It's unimaginable, right? She didn't know how to handle all that grief, so she turned to alcohol. 

[00:00:39] Fawna Asfaw: Alcohol is my first love. I think honestly it's immediately would take me out of myself. I am a very sensitive, very Actually, kind of shy, kind of big feeling person,  and I didn't know what to do with all of that.

 I had parents that were, you know, like very much action based. Performance based, and I just didn't know what to do with my insights. I didn't know how to express emotion. I didn't know how to, process what was going on with me. But I knew that if I drank, I could just either go into avoidance, I could simply check out, or I could,  go to sleep and hopefully pass out until I can wake up and start my responsibilities all over again.

[00:01:29] Angela Kennecke: As you probably imagine, that led Fawna down a dangerous and devastating path.

[00:01:36] Fawna Asfaw: actually the drinking tolerance has now turned into. You are drinking just to function. You are not drinking anymore. To get the relief and the fun and the, , carefreeness that people can get, you know, when they're just a casual drinker, it's now crossed the line where I had to drink just to be able to wake up and function and there was no fun. There was no. Release.

[00:02:03] Angela Kennecke: Hear how Fawna was finally able to get that release without alcohol. Get ready to be moved, inspired and enlightened by her words of wisdom as her journey serves as a reminder that no matter how deep our pain is, there is always hope.

I'm Angela Kennecke, and this is Grieving Out Loud..

 (MUSIC UP!) 

[00:02:32] Angela Kennecke: Thank you so much for joining me for this episode of Grieving Out Loud. I am really excited to talk to you about your incredible life experience and some of the things that you're doing now to help others, which I really have to commend you for. But can we just get started by talking about you're in California?

Yes. And that's where you were born and raised, right. Mm-hmm. And I understand that you were very close to your mom and dad.

[00:02:58] Fawna Asfaw: Yes. I was attached at the hip, , I later learned, you know, I was a little bit too attached and you know, I did a lot of work around my relationship with my parents.

But I was an only child. Born and raised in Los Angeles. my parents were actually, you know, big activists and community leaders and educators. So they kinda had these, you know, bigger than life personalities. So I felt, very sheltered by them, but also very connected cuz we had, you know, always this like greater good kind of experience in the house.

So it was very enmeshed. Me, my mom and my dad, that was our little posse my whole life. You know, they didn't have extended family here. my father's from Ethiopia. So it was a very tight knit, you know, he was traditional. I was raised in, you know, an Ethiopian culture of just, being very close to your family, taking care of your family.

So, yeah, we had a very good childhood, but I also, was very much just devastated later when that wasn't the case anymore. 

[00:04:08] Angela Kennecke: It sounds to me like your parents wanted to change the world in many ways. I think growing up in that environment, you could idolize your parents. Really? 

[00:04:17] Fawna Asfaw: Yeah. and I had such admiration for them and the work that they did that it put them on a pedestal in my mind. And, that's a tough spot to put anybody in because nobody lives up to those expectations. And then also, I was a little bit lost of an idea of what my life would be without them.

[00:04:37] Angela Kennecke: So you lost your parents. They were very young when they died. How old were they and what happened? 

[00:04:43] Fawna Asfaw: My parents were actually not very well for the majority of my life. My father was diagnosed with leukemia when I was 13 But he did not tell me because traditionally, you know, he was keeping that secret from me to protect me.

But everybody else knew except for me. And I just knew he was getting sicker and sicker. And by the end of his diagnosis, I actually was his hospice nurse. I hospice my dad, because my mom had to work. It was just the three of us. And we just kept this kind of idea going that if we just kept it together, just kept it between us three, somehow we'd figure it out.

And the burden was just incredible. But I didn't have anywhere to put that. I just really. Was trying to take care of my dad. And then when I turned 19 he passed away and it just broke us, you know, it was me and my mom and once my father passed, it was just, there was so much of a void from his just presence being gone. And culturally, I had no tools to process any of it. 

[00:06:03] Angela Kennecke: And I suppose you felt a great responsibility for your mother and her grief as well during that time. 

[00:06:09] Fawna Asfaw: Yeah. All I knew was by that point that I had to take care of things, you know, I didn't know how to, Pause. I didn't know how to talk about it.

I didn't have any groups to go to. You know, we really didn't discuss it. It just was, what are we gonna do now? it was really, really hard. 

[00:06:29] Angela Kennecke: And how many years after your father died did you lose your mom?

[00:06:33] Fawna Asfaw: I lost my mom about 10 years after that. My mom. And I just struggled along because we had been left with this house alone and, you know, we both had to work and neither of us were dealing with the grief. So my mom turned to food and I turned to alcohol. And so five years into that, my mom started having health complications she ended up being diagnosed with severe diabetes, had been untreated. Cuz culturally, you know, there was a fear of, too many doctors of getting outside help, of really talking about things. And so I ended up end of life hospice, seeing my mom as well. 

[00:07:21] Angela Kennecke: And so during much of this time you were drinking and you said your mother was eating. And so two addictions maybe to different things, but still addictions. When did the drinking start for you? 

[00:07:33] Fawna Asfaw: The drinking started when I started noticing something was weird with my dad, so very young.

It was all really entwined together. You know, there was something off in my house and I didn't know how to talk about it. And I knew you know, that people would go out and drink and have a good time and pretend, things weren't really happening that they were.

So I just took that and ran with it and I had been using it to cope for a long time. 

[00:08:02] Angela Kennecke: In your drug of choice? Alcohol. And what was it about alcohol that you liked? 

[00:08:07] Fawna Asfaw: Oh, alcohol is my first love. I think honestly it's immediately would take me out of myself. I am a very sensitive, kind of shy, kind of big feeling person,  and I didn't know what to do with all of that.

I had parents that were, you know, like very much action based. Performance based, and I just didn't know what to do with my insights. I didn't know how to express emotion. I didn't know how to, process what was going on with me. But I knew that if I drank, I could just either go into avoidance, I could simply check out, or I could, go to sleep and hopefully pass out until I can wake up and start my responsibilities all over again.

[00:08:55] Angela Kennecke: And you're not the only person I've talked to who's turned to alcohol during periods of grief, and I've even heard of people actually drinking themselves to death because of grief. Yeah. So grief and looking for some sort of coping mechanism. Alcohol worked for you for a while, right? I mean, that's why people do it because it works.

It helps take away the pain of grief 

[00:09:17] Fawna Asfaw: It works until it doesn't. And that's the fatal flaw. if we're dealing with life and the traumas and grief of life with, you know, harmful coping mechanisms, that they stop working and they start harming us. And by the time my mom was, you end of life and ended up passing away, I was. Absolutely devastated. The grief was unbearable. I mean, I've never experienced pain this strong because, you think you are masking this grief by drinking over it for years, and grief is internal. It has to come out. If it doesn't get expressed, it's gonna affect you physically, it's gonna affect you mentally.

It has to be expressed. And so I was, at the end of the road, just drowning and grief. and the alcohol stopped working. There was no relief in sight. 

[00:10:20] Angela Kennecke: I can see how you would feel so devastated because if your parents were really your world, you felt like that's all you had, and you'd also been a caretaker.

So much of your identity was caught up in other people and other members of your family. So you say the alcohol stopped working. What do you mean by that? 

[00:10:39] Fawna Asfaw: Well, ideally, you know, I was using it as a way to escape and a way to numb, and that stopped working it wasn't working as a way to dull the pain I was feeling.

I. Everything and I wasn't getting any relief from alcohol. And that's when, you know, they say that there's this invisible line that we can cross from going from drinking into addiction. And it's when you know the compulsion to drink and 

actually the drinking tolerance has now turned into.

You are drinking just to function. You are not drinking anymore. To get the relief and the fun and the, carefreeness that people can get, you know, when they're just a casual drinker, now crossed the line where I had to drink just to able to wake up and function and there was no fun.

There was no. Release. It was just me and my thoughts, and I could not stop drinking and the grief, and I just was, it was a hell. 

[00:11:47] Angela Kennecke: How was it affecting your health?

[00:11:49] Fawna Asfaw: Well, I also didn't know that alcohol is one of the deadliest Substances to have because it wreaks havoc on your body. And also the withdrawal of the detox from alcohol is extremely dangerous.

So if anyone is struggling and it is alcohol related, please see a medical doctor because you can die from alcohol withdrawal. And I had just wrecked my body, , I was so. Sad and so grief, and I just, I had the symptoms of grief, so I had no appetite, I had no concern for myself. I was stuck in this wallowing ness.

I couldn't get up. So, you know, my body started to deteriorate. I lost so much weight. I was having seizures and I was a full blown mess. I was in the house that both my parents were hospiced in and I was by myself, but I had a huge seizure and caused enough commotion for a neighbor to hear me and contact my friends.

[00:12:59] Angela Kennecke: So were you hospitalized at that point? 

[00:13:01] Fawna Asfaw: I was. 

[00:13:02] Angela Kennecke: And. Were you able to get help or did this continue? 

[00:13:07] Fawna Asfaw: No, that was my grace from above. I mean, if my parents could have come down and helped me. I feel like that's how, you know they came back because one, we didn't do doctors, so I hadn't been to hospitals.

I didn't know anything about substance abuse. I didn't know that there was help. I didn't know that. You know, there's entire world of treatment. And once I realized where I was and that I was getting help, I just, I, I started crying. all I wanted was help. 

[00:13:41] Angela Kennecke: So did you go into treatment at that point?

[00:13:44] Fawna Asfaw: Yeah, I went to a mental health and trauma and substance abuse treatment. It was in Utah. And I ended up staying there. I ended up extending my time actually because well, one, I was so far gone. I was really, really bad. And it took me a long time to even get to a place physically and emotionally where I could start to process what had happened.

And then, I did a full treatment term, so I stayed in treatment for about a year. 

[00:14:18] Angela Kennecke: Oh, well that's a luxury, really. I mean, not many people can stay in treatment for that long, and it is such an important thing. I think longer treatment is so essential to the healing of the brain, the body, and the psyche, everything. Yeah. But most people don't get that. 

[00:14:33] Fawna Asfaw: Yeah. It's incredible, the disparities between what's available and what's actually most beneficial. treatment used to be a year, that was the standard. you know, you need a full year to just like recover and sometimes your brain can't even start to process needed quite some time.

So I was very blessed, but the reason I was able to was because the only thing I had was. The house that my parents died in and I had a friend who was a realtor and the minute that we found out that I could get some help, he put it up and I gave the whole thing up and paid for treatment that way.

[00:15:21] Angela Kennecke: Oh, I see. And so what about this treatment worked for you, do you think? 

[00:15:26] Fawna Asfaw: One, I think that just being in a really safe place you know, there are multiple types of treatment but I think one that has a good long-term aftercare plan, something that's invested in, the trajectory of your healing.

So I really felt like I could just like, let it all go. Like I didn't feel like you know, I was just getting physically sober. I had to do a lot of work. I came in really, really, really damaged. So I asked for everything. I said, you know, like, what can we do and what's offered?

And I got to do, a lot of. Therapy, a lot of trauma work, a lot of somatic skills, a lot of exposure work. I did a lot of, just learning new tools. I had to reparent myself, as you said, I'd never lived for myself, I'd never experienced that. And to experience it sober, you know, I think that's what a lot of people come to realize is, You might be further in age than what you think at the time when you get to treatment.

But emotionally, your age is usually much younger, your emotional age, and then just your experience. You haven't experienced things sober before, so it takes, time, you know, and then kind of the patience and willingness to learn. I had to learn all new tools. 

[00:16:59] Angela Kennecke: What did you learn about grief or dealing with your grief or expressing your grief, that you had masked with alcohol that you hadn't done before?

[00:17:08] Fawna Asfaw: Well, one, I just learned, that grief is one a absolutely natural and necessary part of the process. I didn't know that, you were allowed to grieve. I didn't know that we were allowed to,  mourn and take time and really, you know, express it. I didn't know how to share, I didn't know how to tell people what was, going on with me.

So being able to share vulnerably, being able to. Express the pain and being able to use a lot of the skills to, you know, I would get panic attacks. I would get, huge spikes and I would go extremely high, extremely low. And so a lot of the somatic skills, being able to regulate myself, being able to ground myself.

You know, a lot of C B T skills. Being able to, watch my thoughts and my patterns and being able to take me out of catastrophizing, which is grief would make me feel like I'm all alone. I'm by myself. Everyone's gone. Being able to counter that, but. It took a lot and it's a lot.

 you know, griefs not linear, so sometimes I, would do much better. And then it had to expel some days I would just cry and just, just being able to let myself do that, was a big relief. 

[00:18:33] Angela Kennecke: Does your grief still show up? I mean, I know it's been several years now, but for me, I always think that grief is always gonna kind of be there. It's just how you carry it. 

[00:18:44] Fawna Asfaw: I agree. I agree. It's a part of me. You know, I say hello to it. I honor it. Sometimes it comes, it comes on anniversaries and, I'll forget about it.

And then I'm like, why is my, why do I feel? I'm like, oh, it's the anniversary because it's, it's still in my body. It's a part of me. But now you know, I'm not scared of it anymore. I'm not, Buried by it anymore. I honor it. I do something to honor my parents, and now I'm so grateful that I'm alive because I get to, create a new story 

[00:19:22] Angela Kennecke: it sounds to me like you've reframed your grief completely. I mean, just by those words that you just said. Did you ever relapse after treatment?

[00:19:31] Fawna Asfaw: No, I haven't. 

[00:19:32] Angela Kennecke: Haven't. So how old were you when you got out of treatment?

[00:19:36] Fawna Asfaw: I was, I wanna say 32. 

[00:19:40] Angela Kennecke: So what did you do after treatment? Because your parents are gone. house is sold. You spent a year in treatment, you're starting a whole new life, right? 

[00:19:48] Fawna Asfaw: Yeah I started from scratch. I took the time to do what they call sober living. I don't know if you're familiar, but it's housing that you get to do and learn how to kind of walk into the world again as a sober person.

So I stood that and because I was so fascinated culturally, the exposure to this. Treatment world. These modalities, these forms of help, these forms of wellness it just impacted me so much. So I was really affected and I wanted to work and be a part of it. 

 (MUSIC UP!) 

[00:20:25] Angela Kennecke: and a part 

of it, Fawna became first, she volunteered at women's shelters lending, a helping hand to moms who were going through a challenging recovery. Then she started working in sober houses. It was a rewarding experience, seeing the positive changes in people's lives and being a part of their journey to recovery.

But Fawna didn't wanna stop there. She realized that she wanted to expand her knowledge and skills in order to make an even greater difference.

 (MUSIC UP!) 

[00:20:56] Fawna Asfaw: I went to Loyol Marymount and I got my accreditation and my graduate program from addiction counseling and substance use counseling.

So then I ended up running a house for women and then wrote the book I was so overwhelmed with learning skills and tools. That I just, I just wanted to give it back so badly. 

[00:21:18] Angela Kennecke: And you became a recovery coach and wrote the book, Sober Daughter. So tell me a little bit about, first, what does a Recovery coach do exactly?

And then I wanna hear more about the book. 

[00:21:30] Fawna Asfaw: Okay, great. Yeah. you said, you know, the most important piece of healthy long-term sobriety is, Pacing it, pausing it, and having it structured and long term, that's ideal. And so many people don't have access to that. They don't have awareness of that, and they don't have the resources or the skills and structure to put that together.

So because I got to experience it myself firsthand, I know. What it takes, what support you need, what needs to be structured around you. And so I help clients who are looking for a long-term solution to really guide them through their first couple years and create, you know, anchors and barriers and safety and support.

to really get to long-term recovery. 

 (commercial break - visit www.morethanjustanumber.org) 

[00:22:21] Angela Kennecke: Where do you get your support from now? 

[00:22:23] Fawna Asfaw: Thank you for asking that because I think that's so important. because I felt so alone in my grief and in my reality, you know, I thought I was so alone. One of the best things that was told to me was to just jump feet first into support communities.

And I'm part of 12 step communities. I, you know, run a lot 12 step programs and I built a family from it and I have, people that hold me accountable and also support me, and I do the same for them. And it's the most rewarding thing to be a part of a community where you're all.

Working on the same path of life, 

[00:23:08] Angela Kennecke: I've heard that the solution to addiction is connection. So you have to build those connections to , stay in recovery. 

[00:23:16] Fawna Asfaw: You do. It's not something that can be done alone, and that's what's, you know, so tough for a lot of people to ac cept because the disease thrives in isolation, it thrives in hiding.

It thrives in secrets. It thrives when you're alone because it gets to, rework all your old behaviors and everything. So it is a solution of connection. And I had to build connection in every part of my life. 

[00:23:50] Angela Kennecke: Tell me about your book Sober Daughter. Is it about your journey and everything that we've been talking about? 

[00:23:56] Fawna Asfaw: Yes, so sober daughter is it's a love piece to my parents. It's also to, you know, the women that. I've met in old rooms and that helped me. When I told you I was so overwhelmed by what I was learning, I would walk around on the center with notepads and I would ask the therapist and everybody, you know, what is it you just said?

What did you just, what are we working on? And I'm a naturally very, very curious person. And so I compiled everything that I was working through, the tools I was learning, and I put it together and I, I, you know, it's also about my story, but mostly it's about how I walked through and what I used and how, you know, others can use it too.

[00:24:46] Angela Kennecke: So you're hoping through your book to help others find the tools that will help them as well? 

[00:24:51] Fawna Asfaw: Yes, that is my goal. for people to get the help that I got, and some people, will never hear of treatment and maybe they'll get it through the book and that was my hope. 

[00:25:02] Angela Kennecke: I know you work with a lot of people, a lot of women especially do you ever get discouraged because someone has a hard time finding recovery or staying in recovery?

[00:25:13] Fawna Asfaw: Oh yeah. I mean, it's ranging younger and younger. These days there's a lot of young women that are very, very young experiencing a lot of, you know, pain and addiction and I just think that every moment we get with people that are in addiction, we have opportunities to plant seeds.

We have opportunities to show them glimpses. Of what their life can be like, what hope can be, what solution is, and that lasts, whether or not they stay sober in that moment, or whether or not, it's the next few months. They are so many stories I've heard, that something they heard at a session or, you know, somewhere a year ago.

Finally hit them in their bottom, and they remembered it and that's what helped them get, to their final sobriety journey.

[00:26:08] Angela Kennecke: I mean, that's great, but I think one of the problems we have today, especially with fentanyl in all of the drugs, all of the illicit drugs out there, is that we don't have time, right.

To wait for people to get to that point where this relapse is just so dangerous.

[00:26:23] Fawna Asfaw: it's devastating what's going on with fentanyl and it's younger and younger are affected. And that's why I think the education piece ahead of time is so important because there's so many people that have no idea how serious fentanyl is how serious drugs are.

 I think that, The more boundaries that we put around the people that do need help. it also is a faster, experience because if people are given tons and tons and tons of room it takes longer to get sober and also the person has to want it.

[00:27:03] Angela Kennecke: Yeah, that's hard.

That's hard with deadly fentanyl out there because some people don't even get a chance to want it. also, it strikes me that you talk about education and prevention, and that's something we're so passionate about at Emily's Hope. 

 (music up!) 

[00:27:16] Angela Kennecke: Emily's Hope is developing a prevention education curriculum for students grades K through 12. The curriculum is designed to teach children the effects of substances on the brain, body, and their life in order to promote healthy choices. In a recent podcast, we sat down with a licensed professional counselor at one of the schools using the pilot program.

Carrie Reinders has worked on the Rose Bed Reservation for 24 years. She's witnessed the impact of our nation's drug epidemic on so many children, and she knows how crucial it is to provide them with the right knowledge and tools to make good decisions..

[00:27:57] Carrie Reinders: here in my office, talking about if they're seeing this firsthand in their family, what can we do? Not only. To cope to help you get through missing a parent, maybe because they are in jail, missing a parent because maybe they're at treatment right now. Missing a parent because they're living with another family member because the parent is using and can't take care of them.

So we talk about here. In your future, and I don't even have to say it, I have a lot of students that tell me when I'm older, I am not going to do this because of what I'm seeing right now. 

[00:28:38] Angela Kennecke: But unfortunately, illegal drug use among teens continues according to the National Center for Drug Abuse Statistics, at least one in eighteens has abused an illicit substance in the last year, and drug use went up more than 60% over four years among eighth graders. VNA says she started drinking when she was a teen before her brain was fully developed.

 (QUICK MUSIC UP! ) 

[00:29:11] Angela Kennecke: And it can no longer be kind of a rite of passage. You know what I'm saying? A lot of parents are like, oh, my kid's gonna drink. I just have to accept that. And I don't think that we do have to accept it. 

[00:29:23] Fawna Asfaw: I think it needs to be talked about much younger.

I mean, clients can get into treatment as young as 12. And they are, and to kind of put a blind eye to it is really dangerous. It is happening and it's happening younger and younger, and the drugs are stronger and stronger, you know, so I think education and exposure work, and also there are advocacy groups that are now.

Taking Narcan and Fentanyl, testing strips and education to raves, to concerts, to the cities we have to be armed up and we have to be aware that this is really happening and we have tools and you know, hopefully the more equipment too that we have, if somebody does overdose, they don't have to die.

[00:30:14] Angela Kennecke: Hopefully, yeah, we just gotta keep 'em alive until we can get people help. Yeah. What's the most rewarding thing about what you're doing now? 

[00:30:23] Fawna Asfaw: Oh, when you see people get it, when they finally understand that the sobriety is the best thing for them and they feel so good about themselves or when they walk through something that they thought they could never walk through before, and they do it sober and they do it with skills they turn into completely different people.

Because when we're in our addiction, we are maladaptively coping to everything in life. So when we shift that into healthy behaviors and adaptive mechanisms, we're now, reaching for connection and to be a part of, and to help others they have a capacity to love. And so it's just, it's really beautiful.

 It's incredible to watch what keeps you in recovery. The connection. The connection and that The more I get, the more I know it's all because I'm sober. And you know, the more my life gets bigger that just means my sobriety also has to get bigger. And so I practice just, you know, expanding along with my life.

And I don't take it for granted and I don't, kind of press pause because it's not how it works. And it's not, you know, like running a marathon every day. There's simple little tools we get to do and practice that keep us safe and connected and then they become part of your routine is just like brushing my teeth, you know?

It's just part of my day are habits that I practice that keep me in the middle of my recovery. 

[00:31:58] Angela Kennecke: Well, I want to thank you for all the work that you're doing to help others, and thank you so much for opening up and sharing such a personal and really devastating story about grief, but how you were able to, ultimately cope with your grief.

[00:32:12] Fawna Asfaw: Thank you so much for having me and for all the work you do at your foundation too.

Thank you so much. It's so, it's very important 

[00:32:18] Angela Kennecke: Remember, 

if you or someone you know is struggling with substance use disorder or coping with grief, help is available. Head over to our website, Emily's Hope Charity, where you'll find a wealth of resources to support you. While you're there, take a moment to explore our other podcast episodes. Dive into the latest news stories surrounding substance use disorder at our nation's deadly drug epidemic, and check out my blog for additional insights.

We've also posted links under this podcast show notes to Faunas book and her Recovery coaching. Thanks so much for listening to this episode of Grieving Out Loud. If you found it helpful and inspiring, we would greatly appreciate it. If you could take a moment to give us a positive review. Your support goes a long way in advancing our mission to raise awareness and reduce the stigma surrounding substance use disorder.

Thanks again. Until next time, wishing you faith, hope, and courage.

This podcast is produced by Casey Wonnenberg King and Anna Fey

 (MUSIC UP!) . )