[00:00:00] Kim Hix:  most days I just wanna be with her. You know? I just wanna be with, I wanna see my girl. I just wanna see my girl

 (MUSIC UP!) 

[00:00:06] Angela Kennecke: Welcome to Grieving Out Loud. I'm your host, Angela Kennecke, and this week we shine a spotlight on national Fentanyl Awareness Day. Shockingly, this synthetic opioid has become the leading cause of death among Americans, aged 18 to 45. As we speak. Families across the nation are suffering the same tragedy as Kim Hicks who joins us today to share her heartbreaking story of losing her daughter to this deadly drug. By taking a pill she thought was harmless. However, it was laced with a deadly dose of fentanyl.

We can no longer turn a blind eye to this public health crisis, and by spreading awareness, we can start taking steps toward preventing more senseless deaths. Stay tuned for a powerful episode that will open your eyes to the devastating impact of fentanyl.

[00:01:09] Kim Hix: It's just unbelievable how this is just killing a generation of, it's just killing so many people. What? Over 300 people a day are dying from this fentanyl poisoning. 

[00:01:20] Angela Kennecke: I heard it's like nine 11 every 10 minutes. 

[00:01:23] Kim Hix: Yes. 

[00:01:23] Angela Kennecke: It's like a nine 11 every 10 minutes. And I thought that is something that will stick in my mind.

 (MUSIC UP!) 

[00:01:28] Angela Kennecke: Kim, the first thing I want to say is how terribly, sorry I am for the loss of Kelsie, and I know you're just getting through this first year and that is such a difficult time and I'm so sorry. 

[00:01:41] Kim Hix: Thank you Angela. Yes, it is, it's more than difficult. As you well know, there's no words to that could describe how painful it.

[00:01:51] Angela Kennecke: Right. 

Tell me a little bit about Kelsie. She was 23 years old 

[00:01:56] Kim Hix: Right? 

[00:01:56] Angela Kennecke: When she died, but tell me about her, leading up to that age 

[00:02:01] Kim Hix: Kelsie well, actually she was just a delight. She was my love, she was my heart. She was my girl. I called her my girl and I called her my double rainbow baby.

because I had two miscarriages before I finally had her and I was just completely in love with her from before she was born. I never let her out of my sight. You know, as an infant or pretty much all of her life actually, I took her everywhere with me. Luckily I did not have to work when she was young.

I went back to work when she was in, finally went back to school. So I just took her everywhere with me. I was completely enamored with her. But , she had the biggest hugest smile and the biggest eyes and eyelashes, even as an infant. Everywhere we went, people would remark on how huge her eyes and eyelashes were and how beautiful they were. She loved volleyball growing up. Like in middle school she did volleyball and horses, and she always loved dogs.

Um, As she got older, she was everything into the celestial. , astrology, numerology crystals, that kind of thing. She loved talking to people about about their horoscopes and their birthdates and just giving them all the information like that, that they wanted.

She was also plagued terribly with depression starting in the eighth grade. In the eighth grade is when things really went on a downward spiral for her.

 (MUSIC UP!) 

[00:03:27] Angela Kennecke: Researchers have found strong links between mental health disorders and substance use. In fact, a new study out of Washington University uncovered several genes that are often found in those who battle addiction. People who suffer from mental health issues also have those same genetics researchers say, we need to start considering mental health when treating addiction

 (MUSIC UP!) 

[00:03:50] Kim Hix: when hormones kicked in, it seems like in the eighth grade depression, major depression and anxiety kicked in. And we just never could get the depression under control for her.

[00:04:01] Angela Kennecke: It sounds a lot like my daughter in a way. She's just an amazing kid. Yeah. And the troubles sort of started happening at age 14, you know? 

[00:04:09] Kim Hix: Yeah. 

[00:04:09] Angela Kennecke: 15. 

 (MUSIC UP!) 

[00:04:10] Angela Kennecke: one of the ways Kim says her daughter tried to deal with depression was by experimenting with marijuana. That's becoming increasingly common. However, medical professionals strongly advise teens to avoid marijuana because of its potential impact on brain development. Some studies suggest that marijuana before the age of 18 may affect how the brain builds connections for functions such as attention, memory, and learning.

 (MUSIC UP!) 

[00:04:44] Kim Hix: she also had Very, very low self-esteem that really affected her and. She just never felt good about herself, as much as I loved her and her family loved her, and we tried to do everything we could to help her, and she had a great therapist that she would see every two weeks and a great doctor. She just never internally felt good about herself or could feel the love really coming from everybody, and she just started to get in with the wrong crowd.

 People started to show her different things and she drifted towards it because she said, and she and I were very open. We talked about everything, and she told me everything. She just said that it helped her to numb out and to forget about how bad she felt about life and about herself, and about having to live in the midst of the rage and everything.

[00:05:38] Angela Kennecke: I suppose you tried everything that you could to help her. 

[00:05:43] Kim Hix: Oh, oh yeah. I'm a very proactive person and if something's wrong, I research and research and do whatever I can to figure something out, you know, to solve problems and. , I did everything I could to help her. Like I said, she had a wonderful therapist and she loved her therapist that she would go and talk to.

 You know, I tried to offer different things like meditation and, do you wanna go do like equine therapy or art therapy, or whatever it was that I thought might help her to feel better about herself? Anything. , anything she wanted to do that might help her to gain some self-esteem and, to help her depression and just nothing helped.

 She just turned to the drugs to numb out and to forget everything for that short amount of time. 

[00:06:30] Angela Kennecke: That's so sad. And I'm sure that the drugs began creating problems for her and for your family. 

[00:06:37] Kim Hix: They did. , you know, it is just a downward spiral. Like I said, she started with marijuana and then it started to lead to other things, and then she met a guy who turned her onto meth and it just really went downhill from there.

She would start taking like $5 here from me and I would notice little bits of money would be gone. And I kept thinking, well, maybe I spent it somewhere. But I realized later that it was her taking it. And just, you know, hanging around with it seemed like worse and worse types of people.

And , 

[00:07:10] Angela Kennecke: well, often when they feel more comfortable in a group of other users who accept them and accept what they're doing. 

And in my daughter's case, there was a boy involved too that introduced her to many of these substances like heroin, starting with marijuana. But long-term boyfriend that later introduced her to heroin and other drugs.

[00:07:29] Kim Hix: Yeah. 

[00:07:29] Angela Kennecke: And I just have a really hard time. with that, with the influence, the outside influences of other people. 

[00:07:36] Kim Hix: Yeah. 

[00:07:36] Angela Kennecke: Do you have a hard time with that too? 

[00:07:37] Kim Hix: Very much so. And this particular guy, he even admitted that he got her hooked on meth, said that he didn't have to be addicted alone.

 And he was, I just call him the. I'm sorry, but that's not nice. But he's sick himself. But he admitted to, that's why he introduced her to meth and once she did it, she was hooked. She went to rehab, she went to three rehabs. Each of them were 30 days at a time. They were wonderful places.

And the fourth rehab was for three months. And, she was wonderful. She was our daughter again for that short amount of time, but it never last. I mean, she would be home for just a few days and already be using again. She just couldn't kick it. 

[00:08:22] Angela Kennecke: Did she use all of those drugs at once or was, there one that she liked the most or used the most often?

[00:08:28] Kim Hix: Yeah, meth was her drug of choice. Mainly because she had an issue with. Body image and with weight and meth helped her to u lose weight. 

[00:08:39] Angela Kennecke: Mm-hmm. 

[00:08:39] Kim Hix: She did not want to lose weight the proper way by eating healthy and by exercising. And my business, I am a health and fitness coach, so it did not help for people to compare her to me or for people to. Oh, if I had your mom, I would let her work me out, or I would let her help me. And so I know that didn't help things, you know, and I offered, I'll quit working. You know, I'll quit my job if it makes you feel bad to be compared to. to me because I would do anything to help her. And she would say, no, it's fine. You don't have to do that. 

But she didn't like exercise and she didn't wanna take the time to lose weight properly, you know, and it takes long. You're not gonna lose 10 pounds overnight or in a week. And meth would just kill her appetite and she would lose weight. So that's why it was her drug of choice.

[00:09:35] Angela Kennecke: Right. But it wasn't only meth. And so were these treatment programs, were they prescribing medications for her for opioid addiction because she also used heroin 

[00:09:45] Kim Hix: no, they did not. Actually, like I said, she already had a, a psychiatrist who prescribed medications for. For depression and for anxiety. 

She also had a seizure disorder. She fell down in 2016 in our garage and hit her head really bad and it caused a lasting seizure disorder. So she was on quite a few medications for seizures. for the anxiety and for depression. And none of these places, they just kept the medications in place that she was already on.

I think one of the places did. No, she was in the hospital at one time and the doctor did put her on Suboxone. 

[00:10:23] Angela Kennecke: Mm-hmm. . 

[00:10:24] Kim Hix: But that was the only other thing that was prescribed for. 

[00:10:27] Angela Kennecke: and what happened each time. Why do you think, because she went through treatment several times. Why do you think she couldn't stay in recovery? Why do you think that was? 

[00:10:36] Kim Hix: I think a lot of it had to do with her low self-esteem, and she just wanted to stay numbed out. She just hated herself. She just was so depressed all the time. and she just wanted to completely be numb she told me, she said, I'm not happy when I'm high and I'm not happy doing drugs and I'm not happy not doing drugs. She said, I'm just not happy. I'm never happy. And she said the only time she found peace was when she was numb. . 

[00:11:03] Angela Kennecke: Mm-hmm. . And so she gets out of rehab for the fourth time, right? 

[00:11:08] Kim Hix: Yes. 

[00:11:08] Angela Kennecke: And you mentioned, I've heard this over and over again, that people have this little window of like hope and their kid returns and it's the person they once were and you experienced that.

[00:11:20] Kim Hix: Yeah. The last rehab she was in was for three months and. . It was just wonderful to see our daughter again, and it was the last three months before she died. She got out January the 17th and. . I had a feeling that she was not gonna stay clean again cause she gained a lot of weight in this recovery in the place that she was at cuz they did all home cooking, southern home cooking, macaroni and cheese and cornbread and really good food.

And she put on a lot of weight. She was the heaviest she had ever been and I just had a feeling she was gonna go right back to the meth to try to get the weight off. She was out three days and back to using meth after being in for three months and being clean. And it just broke my heart because it was so nice to see our girl again.

I mean, to see our real girl again for three months and to enjoy her and see her laugh and. . It was fabulous cuz it was through Thanksgiving and through Christmas and we got to go spend the time with her there cuz it wasn't far from where we lived. So we could see her every weekend. And it was just a beautiful gift to spend that time with her and to have our daughter back again for those three months.

[00:12:34] Angela Kennecke: So she relapsed. And what happened from there? 

[00:12:39] Kim Hix: Well, she relapsed and we talked about having to get help again you know, I kept telling her, you cannot live the rest of your life like this. She had gotten herself into trouble with the law as most people do, I believe that get involved with drugs.

She was on probation and she kept breaking probation by doing drugs. 

[00:12:58] Angela Kennecke: well, because you know that the definition of addiction is people keep doing. , whatever it is, the drug or whatever, 

[00:13:06] Kim Hix: right? 

[00:13:06] Angela Kennecke: Despite negative consequences. The negative consequences don't matter to the addicted brain. They cannot stop. 

[00:13:13] Kim Hix: No. 

[00:13:13] Angela Kennecke: You know? 

[00:13:13] Kim Hix: I know. And she would get so mad at herself. She'd say, I'm so stupid. I'm such an idiot. I don't know why I do it. I'm like, Kelsie you're not an idiot. You're not Stu. You've got a disease. You know you have a disease, right? It's not, you're not stupid, you just have a disease, honey.

But she would get so angry at herself when she would. Use, especially after she got outta treatment and she would use, and she would get so angry at herself for letting herself fail and, go back and use again. 

[00:13:41] Angela Kennecke: I think that has to do with some of the misconceptions in our society and also the stigma that yeah, people are made to feel like this is you, you're making this choice. This is your fault, when actually the drugs take over the brain. 

[00:13:57] Kim Hix: Yes. 

[00:13:58] Angela Kennecke: And at that point, . They don't have a choice. 

[00:14:00] Kim Hix: No, no. 

[00:14:02] Angela Kennecke: It changes the brain and it controls the brain and people know what they're doing is wrong. People know what they're doing. 

[00:14:07] Kim Hix: They do. And she knew it, and she hated herself for doing it.

[00:14:11] Angela Kennecke: So that low self-esteem was made even lower by the fact that she couldn't stop. I'm sure.

[00:14:17] Kim Hix: Well, oh it did. And she said that it did. Cuz she would just call herself stupid. I'm an idiot,  she hated what she was doing to herself, but she couldn't stop.

[00:14:26] Angela Kennecke: Oh. 

[00:14:27] Kim Hix: And it broke my heart. I mean, I just spent so many hours crying and crying because, you know, I was so fearful of what was going to happen and what did happen, because I knew it was gonna happen eventually. 

[00:14:42] Angela Kennecke: Did she know about fentanyl? , 

[00:14:45] Kim Hix: she knew about it. She and I had spoke about it and she knew about it, but she didn't say that she was using it.

 (MUSIC UP!) 

[00:14:52] Angela Kennecke: Even though Kelcie wasn't using fentanyl, she wasn't safe from the drug, which can be deadly even in small doses because it's so cheap to make drug manufacturers are using it to lace other drugs, such as heroin or street Xanax. The practice is leading to an alarming increase in drug overdose deaths.

According to the CDC more than 71,000 Americans lost their lives to synthetic opioids in 2021. With fentanyl being responsible for nearly 80% of adolescent overdose deaths, unfortunately, in 2022, Kelcie became part of that statistic.

 (MUSIC UP!) 

[00:15:38] Kim Hix: the day that this happened? She and I had, were just talking on our back porch and I, we were talking about getting back into treatment. Cuz I said, Kelsie, you've got to get your life together. You can't keep living like this. You've got to get back into treatment because you're either going to die or you're gonna be in prison. I said, and I'd much prefer you in prison than be dead. I said, but you've got to figure something out and let's talk about getting back into treatment. 

And you know, she said, okay. And that was about three 30. It was on a Saturday afternoon. my parents had come over for dinner. My husband was grilling for everybody and. At 5 30, 2 hours later, I found her in her room sitting on her floor cross-legged. She was slumped over just saturated in her own vomit. I could hear her making sounds and stuff still coming out of her mouth. , and of course, I start screaming and screaming her name, call 9 1 1.

I start doing c p R on her and she's already blue. My mom rushes up and helps me to do C P r. And she and I do it together. My mom was a nurse for almost 50 years, and we do C P R until the paramedics and everybody get here. it looks like it looked like we were in the middle of a forest fire. There were so many first responders here. I mean, both sides of our street were just lit up. But they worked on her for an hour. giving her Narcan and doing the shock, shock treatment. after an hour, they were just getting ready to call. Time of death, you know, and I'm screaming, don't stop, don't stop.

And one of them said, wait a minute, I feel a pulse. I think I had found a pulse. And they did. And they rushed her to the hospital put her on life support. . And exactly 24 hours later, her heart just gave out. 

[00:17:41] Angela Kennecke: You didn't have to make a decision to take her off life support?

[00:17:44] Kim Hix: No, they had already told us that she was gone. Basically, they had already told us that her brain had stopped functioning and her organs were shutting down. They had already told us that she was not coming back and. We decided, you know, I said I am not taking her off of life support because I want to spend as much time with her as I can sing to her and holding her hand. And we were just gonna let her heart. Go when it decided to go. And it was exactly 24 hours later, at 5 27 on Sunday night, February 27th. 

[00:18:20] Angela Kennecke: How long did it take emergency workers to get to your house? 

[00:18:24] Kim Hix: They got here quickly. It was probably about 10 minutes. . 

[00:18:28] Angela Kennecke: So I just wonder if you would've been able to administer Narcan to her even earlier. I don't know if it would've made any difference. Do you know? 

[00:18:34] Kim Hix: I don't think so, because there was no pulse. I mean, she was already blue, you know? She was blue. There was no pulse. 

[00:18:42] Angela Kennecke: And what did you learn? Killed her 

[00:18:44] Kim Hix: Fentanyl and I, 

[00:18:46] Angela Kennecke: and she thought she was getting what?

[00:18:48] Kim Hix: Xanax. 

[00:18:50] Angela Kennecke: Xanax. 

[00:18:50] Kim Hix: She thought she was getting Xanax. She had an anti-anxiety medication from her doctor. I guess she preferred Xanax that she would get from friends or from whomever, and she got Xanax from this guy, and I quickly found out who it was because she did not know it, but I had the passcode to her phone, and when she was sleeping at night, I would sneak in and go through her messages and things and try to. intervene, I guess. And like I would delete a lot of messages from people sending her messages about, Hey, I've got this, or I've got that. So I would do a lot of things like that to try to prevent things from 

[00:19:34] Angela Kennecke: You're trying to control a situation that's out of control. 

[00:19:37] Kim Hix: Yes. 

[00:19:37] Angela Kennecke: Yeah. As a mom. 

[00:19:39] Kim Hix: Yes. 

[00:19:40] Angela Kennecke: I get that. I get that.

[00:19:41] Kim Hix: Yes. 

[00:19:41] Angela Kennecke: so the person who sold it to her, were they charged? 

[00:19:44] Kim Hix: Oh, they were charged. Yes, this guy had been arrested 30 times, starting at the age of 15, 30 times 17 of those times were for drug possession, trafficking and manufacturing. 

[00:20:01] Angela Kennecke: The other thing that strikes me is just, I was also there, right af My daughter was basically dead when she was found, but the emergency crews were working on her and I arrived at her apartment when the emergency crews were there, and I was there and I was so traumatized to.

[00:20:22] Kim Hix: Yes. 

[00:20:23] Angela Kennecke: But the scene plays out in your head 

[00:20:25] Kim Hix: Yes. 

[00:20:26] Angela Kennecke: Every single day. And when you bring up your scene that you dealt with, it brings up my scene. I feel a little bit sick to my stomach. 

[00:20:35] Kim Hix: Yeah. 

[00:20:36] Angela Kennecke: How have you coped with being the one, finding her? How has your mother coped, you know, with trying to save her? 

[00:20:42] Kim Hix: Well, I, I have those images so often. And it's just been very difficult. But I think about it and I'm thankful that I'm the one that found her and that she was here because I know everything was done possible to save her. I've talked to parents who say their child was found somewhere else or whatever, and I don't know how I would be able to, I don't know how I'm surviving now.

I. because  most days I just wanna be with her. You know? I just wanna be with, I wanna see my girl. I just wanna see my girl, but at least I know everything humanly possible was done to save her. I was in my room, which is only a few steps from her room, and I had just decided to walk down there and talk to her like I always do, and I found.

I heard nothing. I heard nothing. I heard no sound come from her room. And I've often wondered about that. Why didn't I hear anything? I never heard anything 

[00:21:47] Angela Kennecke: There was nothing probably to hear because the fentanyl just shuts down. 

[00:21:51] Kim Hix: Yeah. 

[00:21:52] Angela Kennecke: The body and shuts down the ability to breathe. And there was probably nothing to really hear. 

 (commercial break vist morethanjustanumber.org) 

[00:21:56] Kim Hix: Yeah. Yeah. But like I said, I'm glad that I found her because . Like I said, she was still making sounds, and I know everything was done possible to save her. And if she had been anywhere else, I would've lived the rest of my life thinking if this had been done, if this had been done, she might be alive.

I would've worried with that. The rest of my. 

[00:22:18] Angela Kennecke: Well, and appreciate you sharing this story with me. I, I don't wanna retraumatize you. I feel like sometimes I tell the story quite often when I speak to groups. 

[00:22:26] Kim Hix: Yeah. 

[00:22:27] Angela Kennecke: And I re-traumatize myself, when I tell about the day my daughter died and being there in her apartment, and it just brings it all back as if it was happening all over again.

And, 

[00:22:38] Kim Hix: yeah. 

[00:22:39] Angela Kennecke: What do you do to take care of yourself now? And I know you're so early in this horrible grief journey and 

[00:22:45] Kim Hix: right 

[00:22:46] Angela Kennecke: after having joined you and I are in this club, I always say that we didn't wanna join and we can never leave. And it, it feels like a life sentence. Oftentimes. It's, yeah.

[00:22:57] Kim Hix: Well, my outlet has always been, my medicine has always been exercise. I mean, for as long as I can remember. I mean, . That's not only my hobby, but it's also my career and my job. So that's what I do. And I'm thankful for that. Cause I love all my clients.

They're all great people, and I love going to work every day. and that's a blessing to be able to say I love going to work every day and seeing my people and enjoying them and helping them to feel better about themselves. So, that's what I do is take care of other people. That's kind of what I've always done, but. my job is my outlet and exercise is my outlet. 

[00:23:39] Angela Kennecke: I feel like exercise keeps me sane and also helps my brain. The first few weeks I couldn't exercise, I couldn't do anything. The first few weeks 

[00:23:47] Kim Hix: couldn't, I mean either I 

[00:23:48] Angela Kennecke: once I got back into it. I have to say that it's been a lifesaver for me too.

[00:23:52] Kim Hix: Yeah. Yeah.

[00:23:53] Angela Kennecke: I just feel so much better and if I miss it, I find myself getting a little more irritable and not dealing with things as well. Right. I think because this incredible trauma and complicated grief. Complex grief or whatever you wanna call it. 

[00:24:06] Kim Hix: Yeah. 

[00:24:06] Angela Kennecke: When you lose a child in this way, are you angry?

[00:24:10] Kim Hix: Yeah. I don't think I'm as angry now as I was. Very, yes. Very, very angry and angry at God. Very angry because I've spent 23 years praying please take care of my daughter. Please don't ever let anything happen to her. She's the love of my life.

Please don't ever take her from me. Please don't ever take her from me. And she's gone. , you know? Yeah. I've been very angry. Yeah. 

[00:24:40] Angela Kennecke: Yeah. I prayed too constantly. And it's like a dark cloud is following you around all these years. 

[00:24:46] Kim Hix: Yeah. 

[00:24:46] Angela Kennecke: But you worry about them. And you pray and pray and pray and pray, and you are hopeful and you have faith, there's going to be a better outcome.

[00:24:53] Kim Hix: Yes. Yeah. . 

[00:24:54] Angela Kennecke: And then you do everything in your power too, which I know I did. I'm sure you did. 

[00:24:58] Kim Hix: Yeah. 

[00:24:58] Angela Kennecke: Okay. Everything with knowledge you had at the time. 

[00:25:01] Kim Hix: Yeah. 

[00:25:01] Angela Kennecke: Steps you would take, like deleting her messages to try to protect her, you know? 

[00:25:05] Kim Hix: Yeah. 

[00:25:06] Angela Kennecke: Just those kinds of things. Just being a mom, and you and I both prayed for our daughters, and I always say that my prayers certainly were not answered no in the way I wanted them to be.

[00:25:18] Kim Hix: Why? 

[00:25:19] Angela Kennecke: That's for. 

[00:25:20] Kim Hix: And you know, people will say, I'll pray for you. I'll pray for you. And I would finally just say, prayers don't work . You don't need to pray for me. Cause prayers don't work. I've been praying my entire life. I prayed for both my children since the day they were born and where's it gotten me?

I feel like where's it gotten me? But I've, come to realize too, you know, He didn't take her from me. And then I think, well, maybe he could have prevented it, but she had free will. she did not have to take a so-called Xanax that somebody else provided to her. 

 (MUSIC UP!) 

[00:25:57] Angela Kennecke: It's not uncommon for people to question their faith after suffering such a loss. According to Dr. Mark VandeBraak, a grief educator, in a previous grieving out loud podcast, he explained that questioning one's spiritual beliefs is one of the four primary ways we grieve. 

[00:26:15] Dr. Mark VandeBraak: That's why it's very important for people, people to recognize this is when people fall away from the faith the most or they get closer.

And I always say in my human form, I have questions for God when I. It'll probably be a different story. 

[00:26:30] Angela Kennecke: People get angry at God though, don't you? 

[00:26:31] Dr. Mark VandeBraak: Oh, I think you can handle it can, if he knows what's going on 

[00:26:34] Angela Kennecke: or feel abandoned by God. 

[00:26:36] Dr. Mark VandeBraak: Absolutely. 

[00:26:36] Angela Kennecke: Or question if there is even a God. 

[00:26:38] Dr. Mark VandeBraak: Absolutely. 

 (MUSIC UP!) 

[00:26:38] Angela Kennecke: Sadly, an increasing number of parents are grappling with these questions of grief because of the prevalence of fentanyl-laced drugs.

We all know Fentanyl is a major game changer.

[00:26:58] Kim Hix: So yes. 

[00:26:59] Angela Kennecke: My daughter wasn't intending to die. 

[00:27:01] Kim Hix: No. 

[00:27:01] Angela Kennecke: Your daughter wasn't intending 

[00:27:03] Kim Hix: No. 

[00:27:03] Angela Kennecke: To leave you and. , neither one of them knew that there was fentanyl in the drug that they chose to take. 

[00:27:09] Kim Hix: No. 

[00:27:09] Angela Kennecke: And that is murder. 

[00:27:11] Kim Hix: Yes, it's murder. It is murder. And she was getting dressed to go to visit a friend. And you know, she had no idea she was taking fentanyl.

She thought she was taking Xanax to chill out because she had the social anxiety and. . she was not trying to kill herself. She was just trying to chill out And it's not overdose. I'm so tired of hearing overdose. 

[00:27:35] Angela Kennecke: Well, it's hard because they lump in all overdoses in the statistics. So out of all the people that die of overdose, you know, this big huge umbrella called overdose, 80% of those are fentanyl. Poisoning. 

[00:27:48] Kim Hix: Poisoning. Yeah. 

[00:27:48] Angela Kennecke: So it is hard because the CDC doesn't distinguish it and it is too much of an opioid, but they didn't intend to take too much of that particular synthetic opioid.

[00:27:59] Kim Hix: Right,

[00:27:59] Angela Kennecke: right. So yeah, it is a little frustrating and I hear that from people and sometimes I use them interchangeably, but I try to be careful and say Fentanyl poisoning slash overdose, because I have a friend whose son died of meth overdose. So there's other people that die of a combination of drug over, you know, for overdose.

[00:28:16] Kim Hix: Yes. 

[00:28:16] Angela Kennecke: So, but it's hard, I often say that, this fentanyl being put into everything, it's not safe to take anything from anybody. 

[00:28:23] Kim Hix: No. 

[00:28:24] Angela Kennecke: And. . It's because we stigmatize the behavior of someone who's suffering from substance use disorder. 

[00:28:30] Kim Hix: Right. 

[00:28:30] Angela Kennecke: We don't stigmatize somebody going to a bar and drinking alcohol.

[00:28:34] Kim Hix: Right. 

[00:28:34] Angela Kennecke: If people were putting fentanyl in the alcohol 

[00:28:37] Kim Hix: mm-hmm. 

[00:28:37] Angela Kennecke: in a bar, what would be happening? . 

[00:28:40] Kim Hix: Right. 

[00:28:40] Angela Kennecke: You know? 

[00:28:40] Kim Hix: Yeah. Exactly. . 

[00:28:42] Angela Kennecke: But let's talk about what you've done with some of your grief because not only do you and I both find exercise a good outlet. 

[00:28:50] Kim Hix: Yeah. 

[00:28:50] Angela Kennecke: Not only did you and I both love our daughters fiercely.

[00:28:54] Kim Hix: Yeah.

[00:28:54] Angela Kennecke: Not only do we both pray every single day and, and feel a little bit discouraged. In trying to understand the meaning behind not having our prayers answered how we wanted. 

[00:29:04] Kim Hix: Yeah. 

[00:29:04] Angela Kennecke: But you also started a nonprofit, which is what I did too. So tell me about that. 

[00:29:09] Kim Hix: Well, I just felt like I had to do something, one, to keep busy and to keep my mind occupied and to let other parents know about this fentanyl because they didn't. parents didn't know, and other kids did not know. They don't know what was going on. They had no idea what Fentanyl was, and I just felt like I had to let other people know. so they could warn their kids. Have these conversations with their kids. you've Got to talk to your children.

You know, they're at a party and they're so easy to persuade, oh, hey. I've got some of these, have one and it'll make you feel better. And if your best friend's offering you something, you're probably gonna take it cuz you trust your best friend. You can't accept anything from anybody, you know. And parents have to drive that into their kids' heads because chances are it's gonna have fentanyl in it.

And so I just had to do something to be able to. Send out all the information that I could find so that other parents could find out about it and read about it and know about it, and tell their kids and warn them, don't touch anything. Don't accept anything from anybody 

[00:30:23] Angela Kennecke: and you're raising money for a couple of different. Organizations through Kelsie's cause, 

[00:30:29] Kim Hix: right. So what I'm doing is whatever funds that I raise, she loved dogs. She had two dogs, gypsy and Lila. And so she loved animals and loved dogs. So whatever funds I raise, , I'm given money. All the funds go to it's called Labor of Love, transport, rescue. And they take in dogs that have been abandoned or abused, and they nurse 'em back to health and then they adopt them back out.

So the monies go to them, and then money goes to the Shalom Ministries, which is the recovery where Kelsie was for the last three months. It's called Shalom Ministries and it's a recovery for just women with any type of addiction. So it could be gambling or, you know, alcohol or shopping or any type of addiction whatsoever. So all the monies go to those two places. 

[00:31:22] Angela Kennecke: Is it helping you? It is helping me. 

[00:31:25] Kim Hix: It is helping me to know that. . You know, I've had so many parents say, thank you, keep it up. I had no idea. I'm talking to my kids, I'm talking to my students, they didn't know about this. I didn't know about this.

, you know, I'll see one of your videos, or I'll read one of your articles and I'll talk to my kids. I tell them Kelsie's story, and so the word is getting out. . I also chartered and built a little free library. Since she loved everything celestial, it's got a crescent moon on the front door and stars.

 I've got it in my front yard and inside of the little free library. All kind of information on Fentanyl and drug awareness and Kelsie's cause. And then on the top shelf are books that neighbors or anybody could come and get a book out and take it home and read it or put books in there, whatever they wanna do.

So people can just come by any time and get information on Fentanyl out of the little free library as. 

[00:32:27] Angela Kennecke: All these things sound like wonderful tributes to your daughter and how do you get support for yourself? , have you met other parents in your community who are dealing with this? Do you have family support?

[00:32:40] Kim Hix: Yeah, I, I mean, my parents actually they just moved up here in January, a few weeks before this happened. To be closer to me. My dad has Alzheimer's and my mother cares for my dad by herself. And she was really urged by his doctor to get closer to me so that I could help. And they just so happened to move up here right before this happened.

So they have been, my mom has always been a wonderful support from me, so she has continued to be a really good support. My lifelong friends that I. Forever, for 30 plus years are always around me and supportive. And I have met a lot of other families that this has happened to.

Actually a good church family that I know, a friend that I went to church with, the same thing happened to their son. He had really bad anxiety. This happened just four months before Kelsey. He took half of a pill that he thought was Xanax and he died. . it's just unbelievable how this is just killing a generation of, it's just killing so many people. What? Over 300 people a day are dying from this fentanyl poisoning. 

[00:33:47] Angela Kennecke: I heard it's like nine 11 every 10 minutes. 

[00:33:49] Kim Hix: Yes. 

[00:33:49] Angela Kennecke: It's like a nine 11 every 10 minutes. And I thought that is something that will stick in my mind. 

[00:33:54] Kim Hix: Yes, 

[00:33:54] Angela Kennecke: and you're right. There's so many of us now. You know you're not alone, but it doesn't make it any easier.

[00:34:00] Kim Hix: Mm-hmm. And I know the detectives that worked on our case have called me a couple of times and said, we just had a family. Their son passed or their daughter passed and they just need somebody to talk to. Can you talk to them? And so I've met some families that way. I also just testified in the Senate subcommittee hearings to try to get this bill passed in South Carolina that charges these dealers with homicide.

 We didn't have that bill here. Yet. I know other states do, but we didn't. 

[00:34:32] Angela Kennecke: Well, a lot of states don't, A lot of states don't have that drug-induced homicide bill. That's why in my daughter's case, in the case of some other deaths around her time, it was actually charged in federal court because they have. Stricter laws and the laws more fit that, but you're right, like not every state has that, so that's great. Did it pass in south Carolina? 

[00:34:51] Kim Hix: it did, it passed. So they can be charged with , fentanyl induced homicide and also the trafficking bill that there's a maximum and a minimum sentence for the traffickers heavier sentence for them Also that bill was passed that we wanted passed.

[00:35:07] Angela Kennecke: That's great. 

[00:35:08] Kim Hix: Yeah. 

[00:35:08] Angela Kennecke: Well, I love the advocacy work you're doing. It sounds like you're doing a lot of different things and I really appreciate everything you're doing. I think if all of we parents who have lost a child in this way do our part in our little corner of the world.

[00:35:23] Kim Hix: Yeah. 

[00:35:23] Angela Kennecke: And we. bring our voices together. I think we can really make a huge difference. 

[00:35:27] Kim Hix: Yeah. 

[00:35:28] Angela Kennecke: And turn this thing around because it's outta control. 

[00:35:31] Kim Hix: It's so outta control. And, you know, every day if I'm on Instagram, the feed is just loaded with. Yeah, families, it's parents that are bringing the awareness.

It's not our government doing anything about it. It's the families that are raising their voices and doing something. 

[00:35:49] Angela Kennecke: Yeah, because your daughter should not have died four years after my daughter. 

[00:35:53] Kim Hix: No, 

[00:35:54] Angela Kennecke: it should have ended so long ago. I mean, I feel like I've been shouting from the rooftops for going on five years now. and I don't know what it's gonna take, but you're right, , it's this swelling up of people in grief because there's a ripple effect for every death. You think about how many people, how many people Kelsie's death has affected. 

[00:36:14] Kim Hix: Yeah. It's just unbelievable. Like I said, the amount of people, and it's all for greed. It's greed, it's for money. It's, 

[00:36:23] Angela Kennecke: yes, 

[00:36:24] Kim Hix: it's sickening. 

[00:36:26] Angela Kennecke: Yes. Sometimes I think it feels like chemical warfare. Yeah. 

[00:36:30] Kim Hix: yeah. . 

[00:36:31] Angela Kennecke: Well, I just, I so appreciate you taking the time and sharing Kelsie with me and with our listeners. We do have quite a lot of listeners now all across the country because there's a lot of. People like you and I out there. So 

[00:36:46] Kim Hix: yes. 

[00:36:46] Angela Kennecke: I think unfortunately the more people understand they're not alone. And yeah, the more people share their grief and openly talk about it, the better. So, and thank you for everything that you're doing also with Kelsie's. 

[00:36:57] Kim Hix: Oh, thank you Angela. I appreciate it. 

[00:36:59] Angela Kennecke: Take care of yourself, please.

[00:37:00] Kim Hix: It's yes, 

[00:37:01] Angela Kennecke: be gentle and kind to yourself. 

[00:37:03] Kim Hix: Yeah, I'm trying. Yeah. But thank you so much.

 (MUSIC UP!) 

[00:37:07] Angela Kennecke: thank you for tuning into this episode of Grieving Out Loud. If you or someone you know is struggling with substance use disorder, please visit our website, Emily's Hope dot charity for resources and support. By working together, we can make a difference in the fight against this horrible drug epidemic.

Your support is crucial to helping us raise awareness. Please consider leaving us a positive review or sharing this episode with your friends and family. Together we can make a difference and save lives. Thank you for listening. We look forward to bringing you more inspiring stories and helpful resources in the future.

Until then, wishing you faith, hope, and courage. This podcast is produced by Casey Wonnenberg-King and Anna Fey.

 (MUSIC UP!)